(no subject)
This week of my life has been distinctively busy in a great, aimless sea of summer. I've been playing for the Conductor's Workshop that the Rose City Chamber Orchestra puts on. Let me just tell you: I LOVE this gig. I've done it for three years, now and it just keeps getting more fun. It's basically a summer camp for conductors. There are three "master conductors"-- or teachers-- and the students conduct, the orchestra plays, and the masters critique. I learn LOADS every time I go. Now that I think of it, it seems almost unfair that I get paid to do it! ALMOST.
So there's that. And most of my other thoughts are revolving around one of two things:
1) E is coming home on Monday-- oh, I'm so excited! I've been spending a little time arranging various little "welcome home surprises" and such. Shhh, don't tell!
2) I've gotten the orientation schedule for Northwestern and I'm getting really excited about heading out there. My plane ticket is for September 3 and orientation doesn't start until the 16th or so. So I'll have plenty of time for my own personal orientation; humanizing my apartment, showing myself around campus and town, working on my new inherited bicycle, setting up my vegetable box pick-up, maybe visiting a couple of schools in the area to drum up teaching business. Already I am imagining meeting new people at school, making friends with the horn section, meeting my advisor and the faculty and staff of the music department...
One thing that I'm actually a little nervous about is lessons. I am so enamored with my new horn teacher at Northwestern but a part of me is terrified that I won't be able to play up to her standard. I mean, I know it's COMPLETELY illogical, but a part of my brain is thinking, 'OMG, what if I suck balls and I can't get any better and GW (my new teacher) gets so frustrated she kicks me out of school and I never play horn again!?!?'
Luckily, the other majority of my brain cells are 1) trying to contain those thoughts in little locked boxes, 2) Thinking 'well, they let you in and gave you a big scholarship-- that MUST mean you're good enough!' or 'Relax, tiger, even if that happens, it'll be for the best!'
This bizarre combination of thoughts reminds me of something I've been wanting to put into words for quite some time, now. It has to do with Testosterone and my emotional awareness. When I first started taking Testosterone, just a little over two years ago, it really made me less aware of my emotions. It kind of made me feel like I didn't HAVE as powerful of emotions as before-- and perhaps I didn't; it's hard to say. Linked to that was a real burgeoning of confidence-- because very little could make me feel "bad" or "ashamed". The tricky part, of course, was that I was having a difficult time articulating thoughts and feelings in relationships. I felt I was becoming rather closed-off-- the strong and silent type. Not my type at all!
As many of you know, I had to lower my dose by half for health reasons this winter. I was a little worried about doing that, but I must say, it has been wonderful! It seems almost magically, I've been granted my power of speech back. And my emotional depth and awareness. And some of my previous anxieties.
I think the key word here is Self Consciousness. Hormones affect everyone slightly differently, I know. My body, when stimulated with Testosterone, turns the dial down on self consciousness. Interesting.
So there's that. And most of my other thoughts are revolving around one of two things:
1) E is coming home on Monday-- oh, I'm so excited! I've been spending a little time arranging various little "welcome home surprises" and such. Shhh, don't tell!
2) I've gotten the orientation schedule for Northwestern and I'm getting really excited about heading out there. My plane ticket is for September 3 and orientation doesn't start until the 16th or so. So I'll have plenty of time for my own personal orientation; humanizing my apartment, showing myself around campus and town, working on my new inherited bicycle, setting up my vegetable box pick-up, maybe visiting a couple of schools in the area to drum up teaching business. Already I am imagining meeting new people at school, making friends with the horn section, meeting my advisor and the faculty and staff of the music department...
One thing that I'm actually a little nervous about is lessons. I am so enamored with my new horn teacher at Northwestern but a part of me is terrified that I won't be able to play up to her standard. I mean, I know it's COMPLETELY illogical, but a part of my brain is thinking, 'OMG, what if I suck balls and I can't get any better and GW (my new teacher) gets so frustrated she kicks me out of school and I never play horn again!?!?'
Luckily, the other majority of my brain cells are 1) trying to contain those thoughts in little locked boxes, 2) Thinking 'well, they let you in and gave you a big scholarship-- that MUST mean you're good enough!' or 'Relax, tiger, even if that happens, it'll be for the best!'
This bizarre combination of thoughts reminds me of something I've been wanting to put into words for quite some time, now. It has to do with Testosterone and my emotional awareness. When I first started taking Testosterone, just a little over two years ago, it really made me less aware of my emotions. It kind of made me feel like I didn't HAVE as powerful of emotions as before-- and perhaps I didn't; it's hard to say. Linked to that was a real burgeoning of confidence-- because very little could make me feel "bad" or "ashamed". The tricky part, of course, was that I was having a difficult time articulating thoughts and feelings in relationships. I felt I was becoming rather closed-off-- the strong and silent type. Not my type at all!
As many of you know, I had to lower my dose by half for health reasons this winter. I was a little worried about doing that, but I must say, it has been wonderful! It seems almost magically, I've been granted my power of speech back. And my emotional depth and awareness. And some of my previous anxieties.
I think the key word here is Self Consciousness. Hormones affect everyone slightly differently, I know. My body, when stimulated with Testosterone, turns the dial down on self consciousness. Interesting.