.o62 x letter to ash part two
I wrote until I got tired of writing... again, I don't expect anyone to read it, it's far too long. It's just here for me to stumble on some day in the future.
For the final, current, tangled-up chapter of the Update of Kher, we begin with work, about four months ago. Henry, the good boss, who hired me and Yuka, left to manage a new store, and Brandy took his place at our store. It was her first time as a store manager, and she hadn’t been with Starbucks that long.
At first I had no problem with her. Even when others began to complain, I just kind of listened like, “What’s their problem? She’s not so bad.” For a little while. But it didn’t take long for her to get to me, too. If anything went wrong, it was the baristas’ faults, and she wasn’t shy about telling the customers that, either. We constantly ran out of stuff, sometimes many things at once, because her ordering sucked. Scheduling was awful. And she gossiped behind the baristas’ backs. I hated it.
We were short shifts (shift supervisors), so we started borrowing from other stores. Claude, John, others-and Danny. Yuka met him first, and they basically instantly started going out. I liked working with him, but for some reason I didn’t trust him. I’m not one to believe in my own powers of intuition, but it’s the only explanation I can think of, because the only thing he ever said that put me directly on guard was that he could get me to drink, he was good at peer pressuring people. But he was so open about sex, talking about his experience, saying they hadn’t even kissed yet and he never waited that long before, I kind of felt he wasn’t right for Yuka. She was a virgin.
I wondered what would have happened if we’d met first. Which is ironic.
Anyway, they ‘went out’ for a while, even though Yuka said she didn’t consider him a boyfriend. I thought she was dumb for saying that and making out with him and everything, but maybe that’s my mentality. I made out with a guy I wasn’t dating once, but it was only once. I didn’t keep hanging out with him. I made it clear it was a one-time thing, we didn’t have a chance as a couple. Some people do friends with benefits. I don’t.
The last couple of weeks of their relationship, Yuka was ‘trying’ to break up with him. She started sort of seeing another guy, Andy. But Danny was brought to our store as a permanent shift (knowing he and Yuka had a thing-Brandy knew, and I think her boss too), and Yuka didn’t want to have things awkward at work if she dumped him. So she waited longer, and got closer to Andy.
One day she came over to tell me she finally actually broke up with Danny. We sat outside and she explained what happened. She said it was in his car. Stairway to Heaven came on, and he’d said something about that being their song, so she said she consciously dumped him while that song was playing. She said it wasn’t for another guy-it was just over.
I feel really bad because I didn’t think about Danny’s side of things. I’d encouraged her to break up with him when she felt it was over, and I wished she’d done it sooner rather than dragging it out, but she said she’d tried and he hadn’t taken the hint. I took her word on it and said she wasn’t dumping him for Andy because she’d been trying to dump him already, it was already over for her, in fact she’d said they were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
God I feel horrible because she treated him like crap and I didn’t notice. I mean, honestly. Ugh.
A couple weeks later-it must’ve been the beginning of November, I’m not sure-I started really talking to Danny at work. I warmed to him really quickly. Talking a bit about Yuka, I realized how… much of a bitch she had been, haha.
He mentioned a party he was having (sort of) for the launch of Wii, and I kind of invited myself. I was only joking, but he was serious when he said okay.
When I mentioned it to Yuka, at first it was nothing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. She just said his friends wouldn’t rape me or anything, not to worry. But later, she asked why I didn’t ask if she thought it was okay. I didn’t see why I should have to ask her. (I still don’t. At the time, it seemed everyone but me already knew Danny and I were all but a couple. I genuinely didn’t see it that way until… I’ll get to that.)
Wii night didn’t work out. We saw Casino Royale instead, opening night. I didn’t see it as a date, although apparently he did. But he put his arm around me in the theater, and it was nice, and it was shortly after that that I realized I was starting to like him. I should have known, though. Yuka had mentioned him having “a crush” on me-that he said it-but it had been when they were fighting, so I told her he probably said it to hurt her or something. When I mentioned it to him, he said he had a curse of dating one girl only to find he liked her best friend better. Later-I guess it was after we saw the movie-he told me it had been the same with us, and the moment he met me he thought he’d done it again.
We made plans to hang out at his house the Wednesday after the movie and before Thanksgiving. I may mix up some dates in here, haha, but I believe the day before I talked to Yuka and she was obviously upset, so I didn’t tell her we were hanging out. I found out Danny had told her. She sent me a message on myspace, angry. Why was I hanging out with Danny and not telling her? She gave me a chance to say I liked him and I didn’t! I messaged her back… I told her I’d warmed to him, and it was as surprising to me as her, and I hadn’t been intentionally keeping anything from her-it was sudden, and when I had a chance to tell her, she was already upset, so I thought it best not to say anything.
Wednesday. We hung out, played on the Wii, went in the hot tub. He was thinking about kissing me for ages before he did-I could see it-but where I could have just kissed him and gotten it over with, I didn’t because I was still uncertain about it all. Yeah, the uncertainty went away quick. Very quick. I think probably it ended when we actually did kiss.
Jessica from work-another shift-called while we were together to say Brandy knew we were hanging out and pitched a fit. She asked if we were going out, and Danny said no. But apparently she told Yuka we were, I found out later.
I think it must have been about then when I started talking to Danny every night on the phone. After he took me home, I had another myspace message from Yuka, and she had shifted her anger to him and blasted him. I told him about it when he called, and showed him by email, because he didn’t care what Yuka said up until the point when she laid into him, and then he wanted to know what was said. I didn’t blame him.
I saw him again Saturday, and then he asked me out. I said sure, but what I meant was of course. =P
Monday I planned to talk to Yuka, but she talked to Danny first, and they resolved a lot. When I talked to her, she said that while at first she wasn’t cool with us dating, she was now. But she was upset that I wasn’t upfront with her to begin with. And she said whoever she talked to agreed with her that I should have stopped with Danny when she showed discomfort. I didn’t say it, but I thought everyone I talked to agreed with me-that’s the way one-sided stories are. I did tell her that I didn’t function by girl rules, and I’d probably do it again, except I’d tell her from the beginning-because I follow my heart. She asked what I’d have done if she’d asked me to stop, and all I could say was if I did it anyway I’d feel guilty and if I stopped I’d feel resentful. Truthfully-I didn’t say this-it probably would have ruined both relationships.
Oh god, there’s so much to tell.
She said she was doing her part as a friend and accepting the relationship. At first she said she didn’t want to hear any details, and Danny was the same way-they accept that their exes date other people, but they don’t want to know the details because you never stop having feelings for an ex completely. I don’t get that-Alicia and Travis-but then again, this was far more recent, and Travis and I… never had anything real to speak of. Maybe I’ll feel the same someday.
Anyway, Yuka changed her mind and said she wanted to be a normal friend with me, I could tell her what I wanted, but she warned me that Danny wouldn’t want to hear about her and Andy. She said she was in love with Andy (so I don’t get why she ever cared about me and Danny). But I still didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about Danny. So I would just ask her about Andy. She would talk about love and places they went, but that was about it.
Then at work she started talking about how she had Andy tied to the bed, giving head (again forgive the detail, this is functioning something like a journal at the moment), when her friends walked in and she was hopelessly embarrassed and hid in the bathroom. Danny was working and when he asked what we were talking about, she said nothing.
Later, after I’d gone home, Danny called to say Yuka was really getting to him, telling him stuff about her and Andy. I didn’t get why she would after telling me he didn’t want to hear it.
A couple days later in gym, Yuka told me how Danny’d told her he fingered me (he had) and how the smell lingers on the fingers for days and he liked smelling it. She said he’d told her that, but when she started to talk about her and Andy, he wouldn’t let her.
I didn’t mind him telling her, but I was a little upset that he hadn’t given me warning, that he’d told me what she said and not what he said. And I would have been upset if it had really gone that way-he told her, out of the blue, and then got upset when she tried to respond in kind, and stopped her. But I thought about it, and it didn’t make sense. He’d told me he was upset before she ever said anything, like she’d been talking about it for a while, not like he stopped her. I thought it was more likely he’d told her as a reaction to what she told him, so at lunch I called and asked. I told him I would have liked some warning, and that I wanted to make sure he hadn’t started it and then gotten upset over it.
I think it was the same day when I went to talk to him during his meal break at work. He said he wouldn’t tell Yuka anything that happened between us again, even though I assured him I was fine with it if he told me what he told her-warning.
He invited me to the Redskins game that weekend. I didn’t care much for football, but I agreed to go because A) it was with him, B) you have to try everything once, C) football means a lot to him, and D) it was with him. Haha. I convinced my parents to let him stay the night. Well, actually he mentioned it to me as a joke, then I mentioned it to them as a joke, and they said sure if he sleeps downstairs. And so it was done.
The game was a lot of fun. I had very little idea what was going on, but he explained it, and it was… fun.
Do you know, I just left out a lot? “Watching” Superman Returns (well, apparently I’m evil and he can never watch it again without getting a boner) and “watching” Deck the Halls in theaters… ahahaha. I was on my period that week.
Anyway, after the game we came back to my house. We… had sex for the first time. I was ready. It’s funny, with him, for the weird start we had, we’ve gotten close amazingly fucking fast. During the week before the game, I realized we were going to sleep together-figuratively-at some point, and when I realized that, when became academic. I was ready.
Then we went to dinner. And he went home.
At some point, Jessica (work) told Danny Yuka had told her details about what we’d been doing. It was… confusing. I asked Jessica, and she confirmed it. When I talked to Yuka, she said she and Jessica were talking about how she felt about our relationship, and Jessica asked how far we were. Yuka said, “Further than Danny and I got,” and Jessica asked sex. “No, just fingering,” Yuka said. I still don’t know exactly what or whether and how that conversation gives “details”.
Danny and I agreed not to tell Yuka anything. He called her and talked to her about it, angry.
The weekend after the Redskins game, I stayed at Danny’s two nights. Now, for a while I had a straight-edge phase, but now I’m more realistic. Alcohol used responsibly is fine. I’ve been curious about how much would get me drunk and what kind of drunk I’d be, so I did shots at Danny’s. The first night I got pretty tipsy; the second night I got drunk. (I didn’t like being drunk drunk.) We called Yuka on a dare. Danny ended up telling her he’d had some of the best sex he could remember, and I smacked him for it because it was a mean thing to tell her. Then we were playing on the Wii, and I accidentally let his controller fly, and it could have hit his HD TV. For just a little bit, he was genuinely upset, and that made me upset, but in a different way. A crying way. Apparently I don’t remember just how bad I cried. I felt like shit and realized consciously how much I hated being drunk. He reassured me nothing had changed, we still cared a great deal for each other. Haha, we were both drunk, but oh, I was worse.
I can remember the order of weekends. It’s the in-between stuff that gets me. Oh well. Anyway, I told my parents everything that happened-I seriously tell them everything-and they were okay with it. They like Danny, now, although at first they were wary of him just because I had been wary of him.
Okay, I was beginning to fall for Danny, but I felt incredibly dumb because it had only been something like three weeks. How could I be falling so soon? I decided to leave it in his hands. He was, well, is, 23, with more experience. I left the feeling alone and just enjoyed as much time with him as I could. The next weekend, he stayed here one night, we opened together at Starbucks, and then I stayed over at his house and we went to his friend’s party in Baltimore with another friend, Arthur, as designated driver. Danny got fucking drunk, haha. I got a little drunk, but it wasn’t bad. I was ready to go before he was-bored-so I went downstairs and took more shots (those would be the ones that brought me from tipsy to kind of drunk). He saw me and told me I didn’t have to drink to impress him. I said I know… haha. I thought it was very sweet.
I talked to Arthur while everyone else (pretty much) played a drinking game. Time passes really slowly when you’re drunk… it’s weird.
On the way home, Danny laid in the back with me and acted as backseat driver on the way home. I told him to shut up and let Arthur drive. Somehow we got on the topic of our relationship, and he told me he wanted me to know it wasn’t about sex, I meant a lot to him… he loved me. It stunned the hell out of me, and I didn’t respond even though I felt the same because we were both drunk. He hadn’t meant to tell me. He said it was an accident, something he only told the girl he was engaged to. I told him not to worry about it just then.
God Ash, he’s so… perfect for me. He’s the goofiest… ah. I love it. We’re both really geeky, haha. I can see how much he cares about me. He has never pressured me to do anything I don’t want to do. He’s careful not to let me drink too much. He says the sweetest things sometimes, even though sometimes I don’t know how better to respond than to smile and kiss him. It’s not something I can really describe, but I love him so much. I want to be with him as much as possible.
When I brought up the car ride and what he’d said the next day, he said he didn’t know what to say. It took a few days for him to tell me (sober) that he was ready, he loved me. The whole time I’d wanted to tell him but something held me back. Maybe his hand over my mouth the first time I tried to go into it. Haha. I’m still not sure why he stopped me.
But I responded in kind, and god it felt good.
For the final, current, tangled-up chapter of the Update of Kher, we begin with work, about four months ago. Henry, the good boss, who hired me and Yuka, left to manage a new store, and Brandy took his place at our store. It was her first time as a store manager, and she hadn’t been with Starbucks that long.
At first I had no problem with her. Even when others began to complain, I just kind of listened like, “What’s their problem? She’s not so bad.” For a little while. But it didn’t take long for her to get to me, too. If anything went wrong, it was the baristas’ faults, and she wasn’t shy about telling the customers that, either. We constantly ran out of stuff, sometimes many things at once, because her ordering sucked. Scheduling was awful. And she gossiped behind the baristas’ backs. I hated it.
We were short shifts (shift supervisors), so we started borrowing from other stores. Claude, John, others-and Danny. Yuka met him first, and they basically instantly started going out. I liked working with him, but for some reason I didn’t trust him. I’m not one to believe in my own powers of intuition, but it’s the only explanation I can think of, because the only thing he ever said that put me directly on guard was that he could get me to drink, he was good at peer pressuring people. But he was so open about sex, talking about his experience, saying they hadn’t even kissed yet and he never waited that long before, I kind of felt he wasn’t right for Yuka. She was a virgin.
I wondered what would have happened if we’d met first. Which is ironic.
Anyway, they ‘went out’ for a while, even though Yuka said she didn’t consider him a boyfriend. I thought she was dumb for saying that and making out with him and everything, but maybe that’s my mentality. I made out with a guy I wasn’t dating once, but it was only once. I didn’t keep hanging out with him. I made it clear it was a one-time thing, we didn’t have a chance as a couple. Some people do friends with benefits. I don’t.
The last couple of weeks of their relationship, Yuka was ‘trying’ to break up with him. She started sort of seeing another guy, Andy. But Danny was brought to our store as a permanent shift (knowing he and Yuka had a thing-Brandy knew, and I think her boss too), and Yuka didn’t want to have things awkward at work if she dumped him. So she waited longer, and got closer to Andy.
One day she came over to tell me she finally actually broke up with Danny. We sat outside and she explained what happened. She said it was in his car. Stairway to Heaven came on, and he’d said something about that being their song, so she said she consciously dumped him while that song was playing. She said it wasn’t for another guy-it was just over.
I feel really bad because I didn’t think about Danny’s side of things. I’d encouraged her to break up with him when she felt it was over, and I wished she’d done it sooner rather than dragging it out, but she said she’d tried and he hadn’t taken the hint. I took her word on it and said she wasn’t dumping him for Andy because she’d been trying to dump him already, it was already over for her, in fact she’d said they were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
God I feel horrible because she treated him like crap and I didn’t notice. I mean, honestly. Ugh.
A couple weeks later-it must’ve been the beginning of November, I’m not sure-I started really talking to Danny at work. I warmed to him really quickly. Talking a bit about Yuka, I realized how… much of a bitch she had been, haha.
He mentioned a party he was having (sort of) for the launch of Wii, and I kind of invited myself. I was only joking, but he was serious when he said okay.
When I mentioned it to Yuka, at first it was nothing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. She just said his friends wouldn’t rape me or anything, not to worry. But later, she asked why I didn’t ask if she thought it was okay. I didn’t see why I should have to ask her. (I still don’t. At the time, it seemed everyone but me already knew Danny and I were all but a couple. I genuinely didn’t see it that way until… I’ll get to that.)
Wii night didn’t work out. We saw Casino Royale instead, opening night. I didn’t see it as a date, although apparently he did. But he put his arm around me in the theater, and it was nice, and it was shortly after that that I realized I was starting to like him. I should have known, though. Yuka had mentioned him having “a crush” on me-that he said it-but it had been when they were fighting, so I told her he probably said it to hurt her or something. When I mentioned it to him, he said he had a curse of dating one girl only to find he liked her best friend better. Later-I guess it was after we saw the movie-he told me it had been the same with us, and the moment he met me he thought he’d done it again.
We made plans to hang out at his house the Wednesday after the movie and before Thanksgiving. I may mix up some dates in here, haha, but I believe the day before I talked to Yuka and she was obviously upset, so I didn’t tell her we were hanging out. I found out Danny had told her. She sent me a message on myspace, angry. Why was I hanging out with Danny and not telling her? She gave me a chance to say I liked him and I didn’t! I messaged her back… I told her I’d warmed to him, and it was as surprising to me as her, and I hadn’t been intentionally keeping anything from her-it was sudden, and when I had a chance to tell her, she was already upset, so I thought it best not to say anything.
Wednesday. We hung out, played on the Wii, went in the hot tub. He was thinking about kissing me for ages before he did-I could see it-but where I could have just kissed him and gotten it over with, I didn’t because I was still uncertain about it all. Yeah, the uncertainty went away quick. Very quick. I think probably it ended when we actually did kiss.
Jessica from work-another shift-called while we were together to say Brandy knew we were hanging out and pitched a fit. She asked if we were going out, and Danny said no. But apparently she told Yuka we were, I found out later.
I think it must have been about then when I started talking to Danny every night on the phone. After he took me home, I had another myspace message from Yuka, and she had shifted her anger to him and blasted him. I told him about it when he called, and showed him by email, because he didn’t care what Yuka said up until the point when she laid into him, and then he wanted to know what was said. I didn’t blame him.
I saw him again Saturday, and then he asked me out. I said sure, but what I meant was of course. =P
Monday I planned to talk to Yuka, but she talked to Danny first, and they resolved a lot. When I talked to her, she said that while at first she wasn’t cool with us dating, she was now. But she was upset that I wasn’t upfront with her to begin with. And she said whoever she talked to agreed with her that I should have stopped with Danny when she showed discomfort. I didn’t say it, but I thought everyone I talked to agreed with me-that’s the way one-sided stories are. I did tell her that I didn’t function by girl rules, and I’d probably do it again, except I’d tell her from the beginning-because I follow my heart. She asked what I’d have done if she’d asked me to stop, and all I could say was if I did it anyway I’d feel guilty and if I stopped I’d feel resentful. Truthfully-I didn’t say this-it probably would have ruined both relationships.
Oh god, there’s so much to tell.
She said she was doing her part as a friend and accepting the relationship. At first she said she didn’t want to hear any details, and Danny was the same way-they accept that their exes date other people, but they don’t want to know the details because you never stop having feelings for an ex completely. I don’t get that-Alicia and Travis-but then again, this was far more recent, and Travis and I… never had anything real to speak of. Maybe I’ll feel the same someday.
Anyway, Yuka changed her mind and said she wanted to be a normal friend with me, I could tell her what I wanted, but she warned me that Danny wouldn’t want to hear about her and Andy. She said she was in love with Andy (so I don’t get why she ever cared about me and Danny). But I still didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about Danny. So I would just ask her about Andy. She would talk about love and places they went, but that was about it.
Then at work she started talking about how she had Andy tied to the bed, giving head (again forgive the detail, this is functioning something like a journal at the moment), when her friends walked in and she was hopelessly embarrassed and hid in the bathroom. Danny was working and when he asked what we were talking about, she said nothing.
Later, after I’d gone home, Danny called to say Yuka was really getting to him, telling him stuff about her and Andy. I didn’t get why she would after telling me he didn’t want to hear it.
A couple days later in gym, Yuka told me how Danny’d told her he fingered me (he had) and how the smell lingers on the fingers for days and he liked smelling it. She said he’d told her that, but when she started to talk about her and Andy, he wouldn’t let her.
I didn’t mind him telling her, but I was a little upset that he hadn’t given me warning, that he’d told me what she said and not what he said. And I would have been upset if it had really gone that way-he told her, out of the blue, and then got upset when she tried to respond in kind, and stopped her. But I thought about it, and it didn’t make sense. He’d told me he was upset before she ever said anything, like she’d been talking about it for a while, not like he stopped her. I thought it was more likely he’d told her as a reaction to what she told him, so at lunch I called and asked. I told him I would have liked some warning, and that I wanted to make sure he hadn’t started it and then gotten upset over it.
I think it was the same day when I went to talk to him during his meal break at work. He said he wouldn’t tell Yuka anything that happened between us again, even though I assured him I was fine with it if he told me what he told her-warning.
He invited me to the Redskins game that weekend. I didn’t care much for football, but I agreed to go because A) it was with him, B) you have to try everything once, C) football means a lot to him, and D) it was with him. Haha. I convinced my parents to let him stay the night. Well, actually he mentioned it to me as a joke, then I mentioned it to them as a joke, and they said sure if he sleeps downstairs. And so it was done.
The game was a lot of fun. I had very little idea what was going on, but he explained it, and it was… fun.
Do you know, I just left out a lot? “Watching” Superman Returns (well, apparently I’m evil and he can never watch it again without getting a boner) and “watching” Deck the Halls in theaters… ahahaha. I was on my period that week.
Anyway, after the game we came back to my house. We… had sex for the first time. I was ready. It’s funny, with him, for the weird start we had, we’ve gotten close amazingly fucking fast. During the week before the game, I realized we were going to sleep together-figuratively-at some point, and when I realized that, when became academic. I was ready.
Then we went to dinner. And he went home.
At some point, Jessica (work) told Danny Yuka had told her details about what we’d been doing. It was… confusing. I asked Jessica, and she confirmed it. When I talked to Yuka, she said she and Jessica were talking about how she felt about our relationship, and Jessica asked how far we were. Yuka said, “Further than Danny and I got,” and Jessica asked sex. “No, just fingering,” Yuka said. I still don’t know exactly what or whether and how that conversation gives “details”.
Danny and I agreed not to tell Yuka anything. He called her and talked to her about it, angry.
The weekend after the Redskins game, I stayed at Danny’s two nights. Now, for a while I had a straight-edge phase, but now I’m more realistic. Alcohol used responsibly is fine. I’ve been curious about how much would get me drunk and what kind of drunk I’d be, so I did shots at Danny’s. The first night I got pretty tipsy; the second night I got drunk. (I didn’t like being drunk drunk.) We called Yuka on a dare. Danny ended up telling her he’d had some of the best sex he could remember, and I smacked him for it because it was a mean thing to tell her. Then we were playing on the Wii, and I accidentally let his controller fly, and it could have hit his HD TV. For just a little bit, he was genuinely upset, and that made me upset, but in a different way. A crying way. Apparently I don’t remember just how bad I cried. I felt like shit and realized consciously how much I hated being drunk. He reassured me nothing had changed, we still cared a great deal for each other. Haha, we were both drunk, but oh, I was worse.
I can remember the order of weekends. It’s the in-between stuff that gets me. Oh well. Anyway, I told my parents everything that happened-I seriously tell them everything-and they were okay with it. They like Danny, now, although at first they were wary of him just because I had been wary of him.
Okay, I was beginning to fall for Danny, but I felt incredibly dumb because it had only been something like three weeks. How could I be falling so soon? I decided to leave it in his hands. He was, well, is, 23, with more experience. I left the feeling alone and just enjoyed as much time with him as I could. The next weekend, he stayed here one night, we opened together at Starbucks, and then I stayed over at his house and we went to his friend’s party in Baltimore with another friend, Arthur, as designated driver. Danny got fucking drunk, haha. I got a little drunk, but it wasn’t bad. I was ready to go before he was-bored-so I went downstairs and took more shots (those would be the ones that brought me from tipsy to kind of drunk). He saw me and told me I didn’t have to drink to impress him. I said I know… haha. I thought it was very sweet.
I talked to Arthur while everyone else (pretty much) played a drinking game. Time passes really slowly when you’re drunk… it’s weird.
On the way home, Danny laid in the back with me and acted as backseat driver on the way home. I told him to shut up and let Arthur drive. Somehow we got on the topic of our relationship, and he told me he wanted me to know it wasn’t about sex, I meant a lot to him… he loved me. It stunned the hell out of me, and I didn’t respond even though I felt the same because we were both drunk. He hadn’t meant to tell me. He said it was an accident, something he only told the girl he was engaged to. I told him not to worry about it just then.
God Ash, he’s so… perfect for me. He’s the goofiest… ah. I love it. We’re both really geeky, haha. I can see how much he cares about me. He has never pressured me to do anything I don’t want to do. He’s careful not to let me drink too much. He says the sweetest things sometimes, even though sometimes I don’t know how better to respond than to smile and kiss him. It’s not something I can really describe, but I love him so much. I want to be with him as much as possible.
When I brought up the car ride and what he’d said the next day, he said he didn’t know what to say. It took a few days for him to tell me (sober) that he was ready, he loved me. The whole time I’d wanted to tell him but something held me back. Maybe his hand over my mouth the first time I tried to go into it. Haha. I’m still not sure why he stopped me.
But I responded in kind, and god it felt good.