.o57 x i've never been so stressed in my life
We got back today from visiting Guilford... and I am so fucking stressed out. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.
Maryland is my first choice school. There are a lot of reasons for me to prefer to go there. I already know this area and don't really want to leave it (it's home now), Maryland has a real journalism program, Writer's House, the bigger campus...
But the truth is, I'd be fine at Guilford. It's a smaller community, but not too small; I'd be okay. It's a writing intensive school. Even if there's no big, specialized, well known journalism program, they do have some sort of communications concentration (I'll go figure out what that is in a minute), and like I said, it's very writing intensive.
There's a lot of smoking in restaurants down there... I'd been taking for granted the fact that restaurants in PG now are all nonsmoking. And there are a lot of country accents. But as a whole people are more polite. When we went to a restaurant, the service was terrific. At Cracker Barrel. At Pizza Hut, the theory is that the waitress was new, although she was friendly enough.
Like I said, I still prefer Maryland, but the truth is... if not for Danny, I'd have given in by now. Yes, he is the deciding factor, the reason I'm still fighting instead of just rolling over and doing what my parents want.
I know they want what's best for me. But when it comes down to it, they expect me to give up Danny over money. And I wouldn't sell him for any amount of money. Mom has said, "If it's meant to be, you'll stay together even if you go to Guilford." But long distance isn't that simple. We're both very intimate people. We miss each other after two days, let alone two months. Even if we stayed together, the distance between us would be miserable.
So yes, they want what's best for me, but so do I. And I'm so serious about him. I can tell he feels the same. Maybe one day we'll find it didn't work out, but the good news is that I'd still be happy at Maryland, because it is my first choice school. I can't know what's going to happen, but I know I trust Danny with everything. I love him more than anyone or anything else. When I lived with my grandmother for a year in tenth grade, I wasn't homesick for my parents. Even when I fought with her, I just missed the privileges I've always had with my parents, because my grandmother was so much more traditional. I don't really miss people... except Danny, and I miss him after a few days. Sometimes less. I want to come home to him every night.
Dad says I should go to the college that will leave me the least debt. And he says he'll help me if I go to the least expensive college... but if I go to Maryland (because of Danny, he adds), he won't help pay a cent.
According to Cris, Dad has said he'll make payments on my college while I'm in school, but once I graduate and then get a job, it's up to me. It's a ten-year payment plan, so that'd be four, four and a half months he'd be making payments... which might be half, considering Mom likes to pay extra on bills when she has the money, or might be less, considering Mom probably won't have such a high paying job here in a few months.
At worst, going to Maryland would cost $60,000. Danny said that's like buying a Corvette, and a Corvette can be paid off in five years at about $900 a month. Not that I'd be able to pay $900 a month, probably, but yeah. (Calculator says it'd be a little over five years, but um, close enough.) It's a lot of money, but not unmanageable. And student loans don't have to be paid off until after graduation.
It's about more than just Danny, too. I don't want my parents' money at that price. On the one hand, I understand them refusing to pay more because I want to go to a more expensive college. On the other hand, it seems like... I always feel like I owe them, like I'll never stop owing them and they'll never let me forget it, but I've been a good daughter. I've been a model student. I've kept up a part time job. I haven't gotten into trouble with drugs, alcohol, or other stupid shit. I'm not perfect, but I've been a good daughter. They insisted on home schooling me for two years even though it cost money and I wanted to be in public schools. Why pay for that when I didn't want it, but refuse to help put me through the college I want to go to?
To be honest, I think it might be easier just to go to Maryland on my own dollar without any assistance from my parents. Then next year when I file the FAFSA, it'll be solely on my income, which means I'll get a shitload of financial aid. And I'll be smarter about applying to scholarships next year. I'll start applying in July or August. Or I'll just check for new scholarships every month and sit down and fill out at least a couple.
If I'm lucky, I'll only end up owing about $15,000, which is probably what I'd be left owing if I went to Guilford -- or less, possibly. $15,000 is what's left over after scholarship money for my first year at Maryland... but then, I haven't heard back from any outside scholarships yet, so it could possibly be less. But I'm not counting on it. Like I said, worst case is $60,000.
But there's so much other stuff. A driver's license. I'm supposed to go down to Florida in June with my parents to get my license, but what if we have a falling out and I'm not invited? I'd have to take driver's ed up here, and I'd have to have transportation to get to the class. I could maybe spend the summer with Danny, although I wouldn't want to impose on his parents... but there's still transportation. I think Safeway's within walking distance if I wanted to get a summer job there, but wherever I were to take driver's ed...
This reminds me eerily of when I wanted to live with Alicia to get out of home schooling. Only... as afraid as I am about jumping out on my own to go to Maryland and owing that much money, the thought of going to Guilford is even less reasonable, makes me feel even sicker.
So I'm scared. Terrified. And I have two weeks to figure this out.
edit Communcations concentration does not equal journalism... I looked. I also looked up Maryland versus Guilford crime statistics, and yes, Maryland crime is higher... but it's also 40,000 students versus 2,500 students. Lol, that's a huge difference. I'd be amazed if the crime rate wasn't vastly different. Anyway, proportionally, it's not so bad at Maryland. Some things are probably worse, but others are proportionally the same, maybe even not as bad. I've been told Maryland's crime rates are horrible, but looking at them actually made me feel a little better. Eh.
Maryland is my first choice school. There are a lot of reasons for me to prefer to go there. I already know this area and don't really want to leave it (it's home now), Maryland has a real journalism program, Writer's House, the bigger campus...
But the truth is, I'd be fine at Guilford. It's a smaller community, but not too small; I'd be okay. It's a writing intensive school. Even if there's no big, specialized, well known journalism program, they do have some sort of communications concentration (I'll go figure out what that is in a minute), and like I said, it's very writing intensive.
There's a lot of smoking in restaurants down there... I'd been taking for granted the fact that restaurants in PG now are all nonsmoking. And there are a lot of country accents. But as a whole people are more polite. When we went to a restaurant, the service was terrific. At Cracker Barrel. At Pizza Hut, the theory is that the waitress was new, although she was friendly enough.
Like I said, I still prefer Maryland, but the truth is... if not for Danny, I'd have given in by now. Yes, he is the deciding factor, the reason I'm still fighting instead of just rolling over and doing what my parents want.
I know they want what's best for me. But when it comes down to it, they expect me to give up Danny over money. And I wouldn't sell him for any amount of money. Mom has said, "If it's meant to be, you'll stay together even if you go to Guilford." But long distance isn't that simple. We're both very intimate people. We miss each other after two days, let alone two months. Even if we stayed together, the distance between us would be miserable.
So yes, they want what's best for me, but so do I. And I'm so serious about him. I can tell he feels the same. Maybe one day we'll find it didn't work out, but the good news is that I'd still be happy at Maryland, because it is my first choice school. I can't know what's going to happen, but I know I trust Danny with everything. I love him more than anyone or anything else. When I lived with my grandmother for a year in tenth grade, I wasn't homesick for my parents. Even when I fought with her, I just missed the privileges I've always had with my parents, because my grandmother was so much more traditional. I don't really miss people... except Danny, and I miss him after a few days. Sometimes less. I want to come home to him every night.
Dad says I should go to the college that will leave me the least debt. And he says he'll help me if I go to the least expensive college... but if I go to Maryland (because of Danny, he adds), he won't help pay a cent.
According to Cris, Dad has said he'll make payments on my college while I'm in school, but once I graduate and then get a job, it's up to me. It's a ten-year payment plan, so that'd be four, four and a half months he'd be making payments... which might be half, considering Mom likes to pay extra on bills when she has the money, or might be less, considering Mom probably won't have such a high paying job here in a few months.
At worst, going to Maryland would cost $60,000. Danny said that's like buying a Corvette, and a Corvette can be paid off in five years at about $900 a month. Not that I'd be able to pay $900 a month, probably, but yeah. (Calculator says it'd be a little over five years, but um, close enough.) It's a lot of money, but not unmanageable. And student loans don't have to be paid off until after graduation.
It's about more than just Danny, too. I don't want my parents' money at that price. On the one hand, I understand them refusing to pay more because I want to go to a more expensive college. On the other hand, it seems like... I always feel like I owe them, like I'll never stop owing them and they'll never let me forget it, but I've been a good daughter. I've been a model student. I've kept up a part time job. I haven't gotten into trouble with drugs, alcohol, or other stupid shit. I'm not perfect, but I've been a good daughter. They insisted on home schooling me for two years even though it cost money and I wanted to be in public schools. Why pay for that when I didn't want it, but refuse to help put me through the college I want to go to?
To be honest, I think it might be easier just to go to Maryland on my own dollar without any assistance from my parents. Then next year when I file the FAFSA, it'll be solely on my income, which means I'll get a shitload of financial aid. And I'll be smarter about applying to scholarships next year. I'll start applying in July or August. Or I'll just check for new scholarships every month and sit down and fill out at least a couple.
If I'm lucky, I'll only end up owing about $15,000, which is probably what I'd be left owing if I went to Guilford -- or less, possibly. $15,000 is what's left over after scholarship money for my first year at Maryland... but then, I haven't heard back from any outside scholarships yet, so it could possibly be less. But I'm not counting on it. Like I said, worst case is $60,000.
But there's so much other stuff. A driver's license. I'm supposed to go down to Florida in June with my parents to get my license, but what if we have a falling out and I'm not invited? I'd have to take driver's ed up here, and I'd have to have transportation to get to the class. I could maybe spend the summer with Danny, although I wouldn't want to impose on his parents... but there's still transportation. I think Safeway's within walking distance if I wanted to get a summer job there, but wherever I were to take driver's ed...
This reminds me eerily of when I wanted to live with Alicia to get out of home schooling. Only... as afraid as I am about jumping out on my own to go to Maryland and owing that much money, the thought of going to Guilford is even less reasonable, makes me feel even sicker.
So I'm scared. Terrified. And I have two weeks to figure this out.
edit Communcations concentration does not equal journalism... I looked. I also looked up Maryland versus Guilford crime statistics, and yes, Maryland crime is higher... but it's also 40,000 students versus 2,500 students. Lol, that's a huge difference. I'd be amazed if the crime rate wasn't vastly different. Anyway, proportionally, it's not so bad at Maryland. Some things are probably worse, but others are proportionally the same, maybe even not as bad. I've been told Maryland's crime rates are horrible, but looking at them actually made me feel a little better. Eh.