Apology
It has come to my attention that I have made a bit of an error by deleting my journal so hastily, and I think I may owe anyone who is still listening a bit of an apology and an explanation.
It was not my intention to worry anyone at all, and for that you have my sincere apology. To anyone who has been hurt by my absence--you know who you are--I have also been hurt. It was my reasoning that I would not be missed at all, and that my leaving would not even be noted, and when I was told that the opposite reaction was occurring, I was horrified. I do not seek drama, I seek to avoid it, and I am truly regretful that anyone would spend a word typing out where I had gone. If you have done so on my behalf, I extend, again, my apologies. I was thoughtless in that regard.
While all of the reasons for my leaving cannot be explained, I can say this: I have long suffered from some personal problems that have recently been taking a toll on my health, and rather than admit that to you and lose your respect, I would prefer to run away. So I will face it here and now, which has always been the hardest thing for me to do, knowing that my friends are watching: I have an eating disorder. I am a cutter. I am these things, have been for longer than I ever should have been, and they are my shame.
However, I am tired of running and hiding, and so I tell you this now. This is hard for me, because this has never been a place where I mention myself on any level. This is where I write, and I don't like to talk about myself. But in my absence, I saw that I was not the island I tried for all this time. I do not live in a vacuum no matter how much I would have it be that way, and my actions have affected others--you--in a way that I am sorry for. And so I owe you some explanation, and the bearing of myself is no less than you deserve in return for the support you have shown me.
I have been asked about my work, and where it can be found. Right here, because you have asked me for it. I never thought anyone wanted to read my words until this week. People I did not even know were waiting to read have asked about me. And the ones I did know have been doing more for me than I thought I deserved. You have shown me my own worth without asking for anything in return. You have brought me out of this darkness and shown me that such light exists out there that I had lost sight of.
I hope I did not disappoint you, and I will not be back to myself for awhile, but I am lucky to be here and to know all of you. I want you to know how much I know it, and I will try to live up to it and never forget it again.
It was not my intention to worry anyone at all, and for that you have my sincere apology. To anyone who has been hurt by my absence--you know who you are--I have also been hurt. It was my reasoning that I would not be missed at all, and that my leaving would not even be noted, and when I was told that the opposite reaction was occurring, I was horrified. I do not seek drama, I seek to avoid it, and I am truly regretful that anyone would spend a word typing out where I had gone. If you have done so on my behalf, I extend, again, my apologies. I was thoughtless in that regard.
While all of the reasons for my leaving cannot be explained, I can say this: I have long suffered from some personal problems that have recently been taking a toll on my health, and rather than admit that to you and lose your respect, I would prefer to run away. So I will face it here and now, which has always been the hardest thing for me to do, knowing that my friends are watching: I have an eating disorder. I am a cutter. I am these things, have been for longer than I ever should have been, and they are my shame.
However, I am tired of running and hiding, and so I tell you this now. This is hard for me, because this has never been a place where I mention myself on any level. This is where I write, and I don't like to talk about myself. But in my absence, I saw that I was not the island I tried for all this time. I do not live in a vacuum no matter how much I would have it be that way, and my actions have affected others--you--in a way that I am sorry for. And so I owe you some explanation, and the bearing of myself is no less than you deserve in return for the support you have shown me.
I have been asked about my work, and where it can be found. Right here, because you have asked me for it. I never thought anyone wanted to read my words until this week. People I did not even know were waiting to read have asked about me. And the ones I did know have been doing more for me than I thought I deserved. You have shown me my own worth without asking for anything in return. You have brought me out of this darkness and shown me that such light exists out there that I had lost sight of.
I hope I did not disappoint you, and I will not be back to myself for awhile, but I am lucky to be here and to know all of you. I want you to know how much I know it, and I will try to live up to it and never forget it again.