A Problem I've Not Always Had
I have a problem. A problem I have not always had. I am a different person now than I was five years ago. My five years ago self did not suffer from this because he was an entirely different person. The change between these two people was not sudden. It wasn't very gradual either. Over a period of approximately 8 months I went from being a fragile idealist to being a hardened cynic; a hardened cynic who realized that he has an addiction to feminine attention. I used to view the eventual relationship with a girl as an overly romanticized dream, one that most likely would exist in the distant future. I now struggle to view any interaction with a girl as anything besides a type of challenge to me. I desire to see how interested I can get them to be in me, yet without allowing my own interest to grow to the point of allowing for the possibility of hurting myself. Even as I type this I'm amazed at the type of person I've become. I've always had some girls who are exempt from this, and these have often grown into some of my closest friends. I've realized my struggle now should be to put every girl I meet onto the exempt list. Then maybe once my desires are genuine and pure it will be distinguishable from the stupid games that I live playing. I wish it didn't seem so impossible to become more of the softer, more fragile person I was.