(no subject)
So lets see, what flavor of depression do we have tonight.
We'll start with the no job makes me cranky. Found a local job doing web programming. I have two years experience doing web programming, and a glowing review from the guy I was porgramming for. I've worked with the latest version of the language though the guy wanted an older one. The older language is more directly based on a language I was programming in at 13. Which happened to be the year that language came out. And the language that was based on I was programming in when I was around 7-8. Needless to say the reason they're not hiring me is because they found someone more qualified. Which is a giant sack of bullshit. There are several dozen people comperably qualified to me out there, but to be more qualified one would need basicly already have a master's degree in comp-sci. What the guy really means when he say's "we found someone more qualified" is I don't really give a rats ass about this hiring I picked a name and it wasn't you. I HATE bullshit. Don't patronize me with a "we found someone more qualified."
Alright moving along to sex, there's the libido phlbt. Usually my libido is pretty moderate, high for a girl, low for a boy, but well within the norm for either. However the mocking evil waxing gibous plus or minus a day or two, brings with it more than my share of lust, and well lust + alone equalls lonely. Yes, I am aware the internet has been designed to provide for cost or free of charge errotic materials for all sorts. For the physical issues this is tolerably effective. After all if you can't love yourself, how will you know where that future partner should touch or what ideas will start the motors for them? It is nice to know the parts are working, and working well, frustratingly overly well at times; when the idea is to satiate libiido, going back for thirds or more is inconvenient. Would someone else understand my O well enough to call up all that fire? I dunno, despite being surrounded by available nice looking people who complain at me about their lack of a love life, I'm apparrently untouchable. Even if I have no itention of dating any of these people it'd be nice if even one of them considered dating me a possibly desirable thing. And why not? Skipping the obvious reason is it that I'm too tall? Is it that people find me to agressive? It seems like it is the obvious, they see me as transexual and don't want to be in a "gay" relationship. For straight women yes okay not a lesbian I can understand that. Hetero guys just don't understand. The thing is I'm bi I know what attactive looks like, and I'm an attractive guy. If I got my act together I could probably model as a male. That said if you've been paying attention I'm okay looking and don't really put much effort into my male presentation. But it certainly would be alot easier. To pretend to be some pretty boy who I'm not. And I'm confident I could start a relationship with some unsuspecting girl. Get married have kids, go batshitfracking crazy, and have to transition when I'm like 40-50 and ruin our hypothetical straight girl's love life unless she decides to switch teams. The thing people don't reallize is the water-torture like annoyance of being untransitioned. Sure it's just a little drip, but you try dealing with a little drip for 20 or 30 years. Eventually you're going to have to cross the fence to get away from that horrible dripping. That said I feel really alone sometimes and it's really tempting to play prince charming for a couple months just to get some cuddling.
The only thing worse though than the waxing gibous is the full moon. Hi mr. Moon I hope you die horribly. Full moon brings insomnia, migranes, moodswing, random inexplicable fits of crying, cravings, mild nausea and a few other minor symptomes, which come every month like clockwork. Anyways as bad as not really PMS is, I should get some rest. It's not PMS because there's no menstrual discharge for obvious reasons which thankfully means no cramping which I hear can be really painfull. Yeah the brightside of having the wrong equipment. I'm going to bed. I'm skeptical anyones still reading this far into me ranting anyways. Goodnight journal, and people who read you. Go to hell mr. Moon.
We'll start with the no job makes me cranky. Found a local job doing web programming. I have two years experience doing web programming, and a glowing review from the guy I was porgramming for. I've worked with the latest version of the language though the guy wanted an older one. The older language is more directly based on a language I was programming in at 13. Which happened to be the year that language came out. And the language that was based on I was programming in when I was around 7-8. Needless to say the reason they're not hiring me is because they found someone more qualified. Which is a giant sack of bullshit. There are several dozen people comperably qualified to me out there, but to be more qualified one would need basicly already have a master's degree in comp-sci. What the guy really means when he say's "we found someone more qualified" is I don't really give a rats ass about this hiring I picked a name and it wasn't you. I HATE bullshit. Don't patronize me with a "we found someone more qualified."
Alright moving along to sex, there's the libido phlbt. Usually my libido is pretty moderate, high for a girl, low for a boy, but well within the norm for either. However the mocking evil waxing gibous plus or minus a day or two, brings with it more than my share of lust, and well lust + alone equalls lonely. Yes, I am aware the internet has been designed to provide for cost or free of charge errotic materials for all sorts. For the physical issues this is tolerably effective. After all if you can't love yourself, how will you know where that future partner should touch or what ideas will start the motors for them? It is nice to know the parts are working, and working well, frustratingly overly well at times; when the idea is to satiate libiido, going back for thirds or more is inconvenient. Would someone else understand my O well enough to call up all that fire? I dunno, despite being surrounded by available nice looking people who complain at me about their lack of a love life, I'm apparrently untouchable. Even if I have no itention of dating any of these people it'd be nice if even one of them considered dating me a possibly desirable thing. And why not? Skipping the obvious reason is it that I'm too tall? Is it that people find me to agressive? It seems like it is the obvious, they see me as transexual and don't want to be in a "gay" relationship. For straight women yes okay not a lesbian I can understand that. Hetero guys just don't understand. The thing is I'm bi I know what attactive looks like, and I'm an attractive guy. If I got my act together I could probably model as a male. That said if you've been paying attention I'm okay looking and don't really put much effort into my male presentation. But it certainly would be alot easier. To pretend to be some pretty boy who I'm not. And I'm confident I could start a relationship with some unsuspecting girl. Get married have kids, go batshitfracking crazy, and have to transition when I'm like 40-50 and ruin our hypothetical straight girl's love life unless she decides to switch teams. The thing people don't reallize is the water-torture like annoyance of being untransitioned. Sure it's just a little drip, but you try dealing with a little drip for 20 or 30 years. Eventually you're going to have to cross the fence to get away from that horrible dripping. That said I feel really alone sometimes and it's really tempting to play prince charming for a couple months just to get some cuddling.
The only thing worse though than the waxing gibous is the full moon. Hi mr. Moon I hope you die horribly. Full moon brings insomnia, migranes, moodswing, random inexplicable fits of crying, cravings, mild nausea and a few other minor symptomes, which come every month like clockwork. Anyways as bad as not really PMS is, I should get some rest. It's not PMS because there's no menstrual discharge for obvious reasons which thankfully means no cramping which I hear can be really painfull. Yeah the brightside of having the wrong equipment. I'm going to bed. I'm skeptical anyones still reading this far into me ranting anyways. Goodnight journal, and people who read you. Go to hell mr. Moon.