Fic: Making Circles
Title: Making Circles
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Snape/Lily, Draco/Hermione
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 2442
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words in my head.
Summary: Two boys. Two girls. Two generations. One story.
A/N: In keeping with tradition, I have written a birthday story for my friend Mary. This is nowhere near anything like what I'd normally write (Snape and I don't get along very well), but I hope she likes it.
Their relationship survived because of the lies. He knew that. She knew that. The important part was that it wasn’t lies to each other. It was the lies they told everyone else.
It was the fact that Hermione said she was studying alone in the library and Draco claimed he was practicing dives on the Quidditch pitch, but neither were where they said they would be. Instead, they both snuck out of the castle, straying far from the areas they were allowed to be that late so they could be alone.
If anyone saw them, things would get complicated.
That’s why Lily stopped talking with her Gryffindor friends about Severus. The girls didn’t understand, and James Potter and his ragtag group of misfits would hound her about it, then turn around and go after Severus. She just wanted to save them both the trouble. They’d been there five years and they’d be there for two more. They just had to keep their heads down until then.
Their favorite spot was under the old birch tree at the edge of the lake.
Hermione would never admit it to anyone, not even Draco (especially not Draco), but the time she spent with him under the tree was the best part of her day when she got it. There were many days when she couldn’t get away due to this assignment or that minor crisis with Harry and Ron. But as much as she loved these times, they were also the worst. She hated leaving. Even when they ended up fighting and she stormed off in a huff or sent him raving away, there was a moment of sadness at being enemies again for who knew how long.
There, they talked about anything and everything.
Most of the time, their discussion was over classes. What they were doing and what assignments they had completed and what just wasn’t making sense. Sometimes, Lily would tell little stories she had heard. Not gossip, because Lily refused to gossip, but the occasional rumor that she firmly believed to be true. She wouldn’t say anything without at least a little evidence, even if it was in character. Severus preferred fantastic, invented tales that sufficiently distracted them both from whatever stresses they were feeling. The only thing never discussed by both parties was James Potter. Lily liked to rant about whatever that idiotic git had done recently, and Severus would listen with a smile on his face, but he never said a word about him. He didn’t want slip up and say something that might be considered going too far, so he kept his mouth shut. It was enough to know that Lily was irritated by him anyway.
Not a single serious thought was given to how things might end between them.
Moments came when Draco thought what he had was too good to be true. He would quickly push that idea away. He fully intended to have Hermione in his life and be in Hermione’s life forever. At least, as long as she’d have him. He didn’t want to accept it, but he knew that he’d never find another person who was so simultaneously infuriating and fascinating as Hermione Granger. And if, Merlin forbid, their whatever-they-had ended, he wouldn’t even try replacing her. He’d rather live in the memories than find a subpar substitute for the now.
They were content to continue on for as long as possible.
Lily never told him good-bye. She always said that a good-bye felt too permanent. She told him she’d see him later. More often than not, Severus took it at face value. They saw each other. That happened frequently. The talking, the laughter, the feeling of being together without anyone to destroy it? That wasn’t nearly as regular as they would have liked. Lily had a vague feeling that even when she was old and gray and her eyesight was failing her, she’d have something to say to or joke about with Severus. She just hoped he stuck around that long.
The fact was, they were mostly happy with what they had between them.
Hermione knew it would be hard. There was some bad blood between them, and even more between her friends and him, but it was worth it. The occasional barbs about Harry and Ron and anyone in Gryffindor house stung, but she understood it was a hard habit to break. She herself had said a few rude things about Pansy that got her a glare. As easy as it was to show their feelings about others, they knew they had to keep up appearances around each other. They planned a few interactions for the public, just to show that they still “hated” each other. The kind of scenes full of sneers and short retorts. Exactly what was expected of them. They acted them out, bursting into laughter at the conclusion, when one or both of them would turn away on their heel. But she felt the sadness in the laughs, because she knew that it was necessary, and she wished it wasn’t.
Certainly, there were real disagreements.
She didn’t like his friends. Severus had lost count of the number of times Lily had asked him not to hang out with Avery and Mulciber, told him that those people weren’t any good and they were involved in some Dark things, and she wanted better for him. He insisted that he knew what he was doing, that they were just people he hung around with in the common room. He was well-aware that wasn’t true; they were recruiting him for the Dark Lord. But if he actually let her know that, then she’d be even more upset. So he let her be mad sometimes and then distracted her with tales of dragons and adventure, like he did when they first met, rather than explain himself the same way one more time.
When you put two passionate people together, it’s bound to happen.
Interestingly enough, they were at their happiest when they fought. At least, Draco was. He loved the rush of adrenaline he got when he had to defend his point, the satisfaction of being proven right. The thrill of the moment to moment and thinking quick and destroying an argument while standing his ground. But it was mostly because he loved looking at Hermione when she was mad. Her cheeks got red, her eyes brightened even more, and she came alive. Even her hair, out of control as it normally was, seemed wilder and more untamed as she got angrier. She was a sight to behold, hellbent on proving herself against him. Her strengths showed and she let herself go and just be. In his opinion, it was the most beautiful she’d ever looked, including when she had dressed and polished herself for the Yule Ball the previous year. She was beautiful then, and she was beautiful when she fought. The difference was that when she fought, it was real. She was real, not a Witch Weekly version of herself.
Both refused to give an inch, even on the most ridiculous of arguments.
It felt like they’d talked this one over a million times before. For some reason, it was their go-to discussion. If Lily was feeling defensive or off-kilter about something Severus had said and needed to get back onto a more familiar ground, she always reminded him that he ate his toast completely dry, without butter or marmalade or anything on it. He insisted it was perfectly alright and not everyone felt the need to dress up their foods. They would bicker over it back and forth for a little while until things felt normal again. It would never really be a question to be answered, but that wasn’t the point.
No matter how mad they made each other, they always came back together.
Hermione wasn’t exactly sure why she went back so often. Logically, she knew that there had to be healthier indulgences than these rendezvous with Draco. Things like learning to play wizard’s chess or caring for a Blast-Ended Skrewt. She felt sure that these clandestine meetings, which often dissolved into screaming matches that reduced her to tears, couldn’t possibly be good for her. And yet, she never seriously considered not coming. There was just something about talking with Draco that made her feel whole. Even through the bickering and crying and harsh words, it felt right.
On some level, they both knew that something would happen to mess up the cycle of push and pull they had going.
Severus was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. More precisely, he was waiting for the moment when he’d accidentally drop the other shoe. He was waiting for the one time he’d push too hard, would say just the wrong thing, and send her away for good. He thought he’d messed up a few times before, but she’d come back. A little angrier perhaps, but she came back. And he apologized and she took it all in stride because she knew she’d messed up before, too. Granted, he always forgave her easily, forgave her the moment said it, but that was part of them. He was so happy with Lily, but experience had long ago taught him that the good things in life don’t last.
They were going to ride it until it happened.
Draco never wanted to let go. When he was with Hermione, he actually felt happy, something he didn’t feel anywhere else. It was kind of selfish, he was well aware of that, but he wanted her. He wanted the chance to take her home and introduce her to his parents, and meet hers, and have everything be okay, and get happily ever after. He wanted forever. He realized that was unrealistic in their world, especially with Voldemort somewhere out there, but he wanted to hold on to what he had. He wanted to hold onto her.
Her friends would be appalled if they knew how much time she spent with him.
She had grown use to the lies she had to tell. James knew they spent time together, but every time he was reminded, he tended to make a scene about it. So she lied, especially if he was there to overhear. She would tell Mary she was going to ask Professor Flitwick for a little extra help on a Charms assignment, or that she was going to practice blasting spells in an empty classroom where she wouldn’t hurt anything, things that she’d do on a regular basis, before going to meet Severus. She felt horrible, not telling anyone the truth, but she was in too deep. Severus was her best friend, and she wouldn’t give that up for anything. Even if it destroyed her every time she had to lie to her roommate’s face.
His housemates would be shocked at what he really felt for her.
It was different, seeing Draco with his friends. He had to regard her as nothing more than the scum beneath his feet. She knew it was an act, something to keep them off the track. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Every time he sneered at her or rejected her in public, she was put right back into the frame of mind of that little second year girl that was called a dirty word without knowing what it meant. When he met with her, he apologized for every slight, every snub. Every time, he told her he cared about her, so much, and could she see why he had to do it? Every time, she forgave him his sins, only to have him turn around and do it again the next day.
They didn’t care.
Severus would gladly give everything for Lily. Even if it meant having nothing for himself.
They lived contently in their own little sphere.
Draco went to bed every night knowing that she’d always be there for him, simply because he’d always be there for her.
Unfortunately, the day came when their carefully built circle broke like sugar glass.
She just wanted to help him. James was torturing him, and she wasn’t just going to stand by and do nothing. Until he told her that’s exactly what she should do.
She pushed a little too hard and he pushed back even harder.
They were bickering again, out by the lake. This time, it was politics and way the Ministry was handling things. Hermione knew her idea was better, and told Draco that. He said she didn’t know anything because of who she was.
He called her a Mudblood.
He couldn’t believe he’d actually said it. He may have said it about other people, but he always swore he would never say That Word to Lily.
He begged for forgiveness. She refused.
He hoped it would be just like when he called her names in front of his friends. Draco would apologize and she would forgive. But this time was different. This time, it was just the two of them when it slipped out, like a bad habit. He tried to explain that that was all it was, but she wouldn’t hear of it.
Eventually, he got her to listen long enough to say he would be at the old birch by the lake that night to talk.
She debated, wondering if she should go or not. She knew Severus was sorry, just like she knew he wouldn’t be if it was anyone else. She didn’t want to lose her best friend, though.
He was well aware of the fact that he had really messed up, but he had to try to get her back in his life.
It was all just too much. The whole situation was almost impossible for her to bear. Draco knew how much every remark cut her, she told him so herself. So for him to say something like that when they were alone was too much. As much as she cared about him, she didn’t know if she could be with someone who hurt her that badly.
The darkness covered the grounds as he sat, waiting to see if she would show.
In his own opinion, Severus had not only dropped the other shoe, he chucked it into the lake. But he knew that if she came to him, and he wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t, they could make it through anything together.
He heard a rustle and looked up.
Hermione stood in the moonlight.
An owl flew out of the tree.
Lily was nowhere to be found.
Sometimes, he knew her better than she knew herself.