"People are like dice. We throw ourselves into our lives."
Years are funny things. They flow in a constant direction, and can't be stopped. And yet it seems that at certain times the flow moves fast, others slow; a single month of 30 days can span a lifetime when things are bad, or disappear in a blink when times are good.
The way a year affects the mind is amazing; life can oscillate from happy to sad, depressed to elated, in a matter of days or weeks.
2009 was in many ways that sort of year for me. I spent the first third depressed and defeated from my bids to PhD. programs, the 2nd third out of a job, and the final third so busy that I could barely keep my head on straight.
The year itself was bland, in a lot of ways. Looking back on it now I realize all the things that happened this year are quite notable, but when they were occuring I don't really know if I gave them as much weight as I would have wanted. It wasn't until Otakon that the year really 'picked up,' and from there it was a non-stop, madcap race to the finish line. I don't really know if this year was "good," and certainly for many people, especially those closest to me, it was a tough year and that certainly had bearing on what I was doing. But for the most part 2009 marked the first time in which my life came to an actual stop.
The defeat I suffered from this spring was an amazing shock. It still haunts me, and as I prepare to do the dance again, it begins to weigh heavily on me, as if what I'm doing is pointless. I've never really had to deal with the idea of "no," of not either being good enough or just losing out on the opportunity due to events I couldn't control. It was mixed with further misery by being out of a teaching position for the entire summer, which really became one of the longest summers of my life; aside from being basically jobless, it was a time of a lot of dramatic fights and confrontations that, while maybe leading to great personal growth for myself and others, really made things unbearable.
It wasn't all bad, though. I've thought about it, and really 2009 has been a year when I've worked harder for relationships (one in particular) than I really ever had before. I've grown apart from others, perhaps not for reasons I could control or things I could do anything about, but it certainly has made things more interesting. I felt the sting of not having co-workers in the Fall; I was so used to being able to share work experiences with people who don't just sympathize but empathize by doing the same things. It's sort of an amazing connection, co-workers--you don't really notice how much they can make or break a job until they're gone.
In terms of recreational relationships, I have to admit that as stupid as it sounds, NPC has been probably the one constant for the year. It hasn't always been fun--in fact there are days in which I actually consider just swearing it off due to certain people, but then there are others that I feel a deep connection to. It's probably the closest to an actual 'community' online than I think I've known before. Not the same thing as living in the same apartment complex, but like a sort of neighborhood--you don't have to like everyone or everything, but it's a place to call home and there's plenty to do. It's like an extended version of Cheers, but with people you don't like as much as others.
I've found my tastes shifting more as the year wore on--I read less because I have less time, but then earlier in the year I read less because I was depressed and unmotivated. I've been working on fixing that because it's something I miss--my 'not read' bookcase has really not changed it's contents at all during the year, except for things that I had no interest in, or from the more and more books I bought. I've had to come to terms with my collecting habits--I collect because I'm a collector, but I really had stopped this year collecting because I enjoy. That's been changing in the past few weeks (and maybe months), and I'm glad that it's coming back to me. I missed that aspect of collecting things.
Although not something I see a lot of others discuss, the economics of the year have been a hound at my heels, as well. One of the reasons I lost consideration was a shortening of programs, then the decline of enrollment in summer courses cost me my job, and the cost of things continue to rise. Just recently the store I spend most of my money at, 'The Import Store,' is closing due to a slow economy. I'm still not really sure how to deal with that loss, and I'm hoping their possibility of being open only on weekends could be a reality, but is more than unlikely. Between the Import Store and Uberbot tanking (or whatever that was), it feels like the places I can go to be myself are slowly being dwindled.
A few years ago, I used to be a Flanuer (look it up); I'd go to the mall at least once a week and just walk around, moving from stores I especially liked and just taking in the sights of people and the mall itself. The declining economy has all but ruined that--most of my mall haunts are nearly empty, skeletons of their former selves, and it's not something I ever really expected to see.
Romantically I've grown a lot. I've had quite a lot of heartbreak--almost one for every year in this decade, sometimes more than one in a single year--and I've done some pretty ridiculous things in the name of love, of selfish personal interest (not to go into a list but let's just say confessing to anything with breasts DFC girl parts wasn't a great idea, Kenji Circa 2002). But sustaining anything past the rose colored glasses days was never really a strong point for me--the first time I tried, a single joke cost me months of work, and to be honest I figured that would be the end of it. But 2009 has more or less caused me to mature in that regard, and for that I'm actually really thankful. The relationship has been fantastic, and it's probably one of the only things I truly cherish about this year, and I hope I'll be able to say that for the next years to come.
I have some regrets, some desires that weren't fulfilled, but looking at the past with regret really doesn't matter. Airing grievances, then hoping for what's to come, is about all one can really do when faced with the new year. Regretting what happened in the last one into the new seems to defeat the purpose entirely.
I hope you all have a good new years, and a good new year, and let the dice roll.
The way a year affects the mind is amazing; life can oscillate from happy to sad, depressed to elated, in a matter of days or weeks.
2009 was in many ways that sort of year for me. I spent the first third depressed and defeated from my bids to PhD. programs, the 2nd third out of a job, and the final third so busy that I could barely keep my head on straight.
The year itself was bland, in a lot of ways. Looking back on it now I realize all the things that happened this year are quite notable, but when they were occuring I don't really know if I gave them as much weight as I would have wanted. It wasn't until Otakon that the year really 'picked up,' and from there it was a non-stop, madcap race to the finish line. I don't really know if this year was "good," and certainly for many people, especially those closest to me, it was a tough year and that certainly had bearing on what I was doing. But for the most part 2009 marked the first time in which my life came to an actual stop.
The defeat I suffered from this spring was an amazing shock. It still haunts me, and as I prepare to do the dance again, it begins to weigh heavily on me, as if what I'm doing is pointless. I've never really had to deal with the idea of "no," of not either being good enough or just losing out on the opportunity due to events I couldn't control. It was mixed with further misery by being out of a teaching position for the entire summer, which really became one of the longest summers of my life; aside from being basically jobless, it was a time of a lot of dramatic fights and confrontations that, while maybe leading to great personal growth for myself and others, really made things unbearable.
It wasn't all bad, though. I've thought about it, and really 2009 has been a year when I've worked harder for relationships (one in particular) than I really ever had before. I've grown apart from others, perhaps not for reasons I could control or things I could do anything about, but it certainly has made things more interesting. I felt the sting of not having co-workers in the Fall; I was so used to being able to share work experiences with people who don't just sympathize but empathize by doing the same things. It's sort of an amazing connection, co-workers--you don't really notice how much they can make or break a job until they're gone.
In terms of recreational relationships, I have to admit that as stupid as it sounds, NPC has been probably the one constant for the year. It hasn't always been fun--in fact there are days in which I actually consider just swearing it off due to certain people, but then there are others that I feel a deep connection to. It's probably the closest to an actual 'community' online than I think I've known before. Not the same thing as living in the same apartment complex, but like a sort of neighborhood--you don't have to like everyone or everything, but it's a place to call home and there's plenty to do. It's like an extended version of Cheers, but with people you don't like as much as others.
I've found my tastes shifting more as the year wore on--I read less because I have less time, but then earlier in the year I read less because I was depressed and unmotivated. I've been working on fixing that because it's something I miss--my 'not read' bookcase has really not changed it's contents at all during the year, except for things that I had no interest in, or from the more and more books I bought. I've had to come to terms with my collecting habits--I collect because I'm a collector, but I really had stopped this year collecting because I enjoy. That's been changing in the past few weeks (and maybe months), and I'm glad that it's coming back to me. I missed that aspect of collecting things.
Although not something I see a lot of others discuss, the economics of the year have been a hound at my heels, as well. One of the reasons I lost consideration was a shortening of programs, then the decline of enrollment in summer courses cost me my job, and the cost of things continue to rise. Just recently the store I spend most of my money at, 'The Import Store,' is closing due to a slow economy. I'm still not really sure how to deal with that loss, and I'm hoping their possibility of being open only on weekends could be a reality, but is more than unlikely. Between the Import Store and Uberbot tanking (or whatever that was), it feels like the places I can go to be myself are slowly being dwindled.
A few years ago, I used to be a Flanuer (look it up); I'd go to the mall at least once a week and just walk around, moving from stores I especially liked and just taking in the sights of people and the mall itself. The declining economy has all but ruined that--most of my mall haunts are nearly empty, skeletons of their former selves, and it's not something I ever really expected to see.
Romantically I've grown a lot. I've had quite a lot of heartbreak--almost one for every year in this decade, sometimes more than one in a single year--and I've done some pretty ridiculous things in the name of love, of selfish personal interest (not to go into a list but let's just say confessing to anything with breasts DFC girl parts wasn't a great idea, Kenji Circa 2002). But sustaining anything past the rose colored glasses days was never really a strong point for me--the first time I tried, a single joke cost me months of work, and to be honest I figured that would be the end of it. But 2009 has more or less caused me to mature in that regard, and for that I'm actually really thankful. The relationship has been fantastic, and it's probably one of the only things I truly cherish about this year, and I hope I'll be able to say that for the next years to come.
I have some regrets, some desires that weren't fulfilled, but looking at the past with regret really doesn't matter. Airing grievances, then hoping for what's to come, is about all one can really do when faced with the new year. Regretting what happened in the last one into the new seems to defeat the purpose entirely.
I hope you all have a good new years, and a good new year, and let the dice roll.