to my distant family and friends
First and foremost, an apology. I'm sure I've cost myself many friends by being as distant as is my habit - it's a bad one.
One of the positive things I do more often of late is sit in state (meditate), and one of the things that state has helped me realize (through giving me better moments, like this one) is a genuine drive to stop my aforementioned habit. I've tried very, very rarely at best to reach out to a few of you here and there at different points over the past few...years. (years, hasn't it been? How awful, really.) I finally think a few concrete things now about life, conclusions long in coming, and as I continue to organize myself better in coming (hopeful) days I hope to reconnect with as many of you as possible. (Some of you, at least?! Haha, hmm, :/.)
My subscribed readership for kenidas is pretty varied, but I do owe some specific apologies here and now; to those that I will doubtless miss (many of whom come to mind who don't know of this shared blip in cyberspace), I further apologize.
My sister, my parents, and my longer-term associates from Corpus - Jon, Ryan, Clark, Timmy, Daniel, Shari, and many, many more (sadly..) - I sincerely apologize. I truly regret losing touch with you to greater and lesser degrees. To anyone bothering to read this, I'm trying to change. Some venues of communication - one-way stuff, this, really - isn't so hard for me. Other things, things I probably write off too easily as mundane most times, are. They seem damned hard for me. I'm sorry.
Even though it's only recently stopped for me, I have even begun slighting some I met in college who are unused to the ineffective way that I phase into and out of communication. Jacob Barton, Julia Barnett, Paul Ertel and Mr. Charles Ice - I'm looking and thinking of you all, here. You too, Phillip ;). Collegemates yesterday, and already - the gulf of time waxes...larger. *sigh*.
I'm a fearful, self-absorbed guy, college taught me that. But sometimes things change, y'know? - my brainchild is beginning: eschatological.net. Hopefully we'll fix each other a bit.
I tried to take time out during college to yak with lots of people around town, people who I didn't know at all. It helped challenge my mental definitions of 'friendship' and 'strangership', and probably of hate and love (and definitely of doubt and certainty). I caught a glimpse of perspective, so vast I couldn't contain all of it. It was all I could do to reduce it. The aggregate of the conversations taught me to question (to doubt, really) my own perspective - all the better to make room for the words of others in my mind. And so I have, and part of that has really fucked me up, in a way both simple (from an outsider's view) and complex (my own, as wordy as it remains). One way it boils down is this: my own perspective (my ego looking out right now) isn't something I implicitly trust; I've tried to deconstruct it...bunches. Dissembling agrees with me - I did it a lot through these conversations I had, I am, in fact, doing it now through this. Others are similar to me in this - like you, Jacob, or you, Stephen. Some, I think, don't jive so well with it, or at least didn't 'back in the day' - the Corpus crew, et al: thank you again, because you saved me from hitting the rarefied, intellectual atmosphere of Rice for some time. (What can I say? I breathed too much. Now I'm dizzy.)
All these thoughts and facts and figures...what good are they if I neglect people, really? Not too much. They're as masturbatory as any other meaningless pursuit until correctly channeled.
But can I change? Can I change quickly? Can I consistently deal with these silly fears? How long has this fear been me - been within me? Why the refusal...to do at a distance what I've become automatic with in person? Why do I do this, or rather, not do it - and why type about it? (Can anyone find this, in its unfocused form, worth reading? Because I'm certainly no Kerouac.)
Before I drift further, again, simply - *sigh*, apologies, apologies, apologies. I consign this scribble to the electronic ether, and my mind to sleep soon in coming.
Best..
Scotty.
One of the positive things I do more often of late is sit in state (meditate), and one of the things that state has helped me realize (through giving me better moments, like this one) is a genuine drive to stop my aforementioned habit. I've tried very, very rarely at best to reach out to a few of you here and there at different points over the past few...years. (years, hasn't it been? How awful, really.) I finally think a few concrete things now about life, conclusions long in coming, and as I continue to organize myself better in coming (hopeful) days I hope to reconnect with as many of you as possible. (Some of you, at least?! Haha, hmm, :/.)
My subscribed readership for kenidas is pretty varied, but I do owe some specific apologies here and now; to those that I will doubtless miss (many of whom come to mind who don't know of this shared blip in cyberspace), I further apologize.
My sister, my parents, and my longer-term associates from Corpus - Jon, Ryan, Clark, Timmy, Daniel, Shari, and many, many more (sadly..) - I sincerely apologize. I truly regret losing touch with you to greater and lesser degrees. To anyone bothering to read this, I'm trying to change. Some venues of communication - one-way stuff, this, really - isn't so hard for me. Other things, things I probably write off too easily as mundane most times, are. They seem damned hard for me. I'm sorry.
Even though it's only recently stopped for me, I have even begun slighting some I met in college who are unused to the ineffective way that I phase into and out of communication. Jacob Barton, Julia Barnett, Paul Ertel and Mr. Charles Ice - I'm looking and thinking of you all, here. You too, Phillip ;). Collegemates yesterday, and already - the gulf of time waxes...larger. *sigh*.
I'm a fearful, self-absorbed guy, college taught me that. But sometimes things change, y'know? - my brainchild is beginning: eschatological.net. Hopefully we'll fix each other a bit.
I tried to take time out during college to yak with lots of people around town, people who I didn't know at all. It helped challenge my mental definitions of 'friendship' and 'strangership', and probably of hate and love (and definitely of doubt and certainty). I caught a glimpse of perspective, so vast I couldn't contain all of it. It was all I could do to reduce it. The aggregate of the conversations taught me to question (to doubt, really) my own perspective - all the better to make room for the words of others in my mind. And so I have, and part of that has really fucked me up, in a way both simple (from an outsider's view) and complex (my own, as wordy as it remains). One way it boils down is this: my own perspective (my ego looking out right now) isn't something I implicitly trust; I've tried to deconstruct it...bunches. Dissembling agrees with me - I did it a lot through these conversations I had, I am, in fact, doing it now through this. Others are similar to me in this - like you, Jacob, or you, Stephen. Some, I think, don't jive so well with it, or at least didn't 'back in the day' - the Corpus crew, et al: thank you again, because you saved me from hitting the rarefied, intellectual atmosphere of Rice for some time. (What can I say? I breathed too much. Now I'm dizzy.)
All these thoughts and facts and figures...what good are they if I neglect people, really? Not too much. They're as masturbatory as any other meaningless pursuit until correctly channeled.
But can I change? Can I change quickly? Can I consistently deal with these silly fears? How long has this fear been me - been within me? Why the refusal...to do at a distance what I've become automatic with in person? Why do I do this, or rather, not do it - and why type about it? (Can anyone find this, in its unfocused form, worth reading? Because I'm certainly no Kerouac.)
Before I drift further, again, simply - *sigh*, apologies, apologies, apologies. I consign this scribble to the electronic ether, and my mind to sleep soon in coming.
Best..
Scotty.