(no subject)
Well, I haven't updated in quite some time. I'm really trying to figure out
who I am, and what I believe, and all that jazz.
I'm just trying to take it day by day... and define myself not by other people,
but simply by myself. I'm working on being okay with it being just me. Losing Rafi
has been really tough.. and I haven't completely accepted it yet, but it's
reality. Hard to face. Really. hard to face. Every couple that walks by.. or
any friend that is excited about a new/old boyfriend... just absolutely
kills me inside. I'm happy for everybody, it's just hard. I want it again
so much. I miss Rafi, and I wish I could have the relationship back. But, it's
over and he doesn't want me in his life anymore.. nor does he want a relationship
for sure, so I need to move on. I'm trying to move on... but the hope of him
coming back is always in my mind. In the past, my pattern has tended to be
"want what you can't have" and I REALLY need to get out of that habit...
because it means I'm never happy. Anyways, I'm just trying to
take it day by day, find little things to look forward to. I miss highschool.
I miss highschool a lot... everything was much more simple and explainable.
I graduate at the end of this semester, with an AA degree and then I will
go on.. somewhere... though I don't know where yet. I'm looking in New College,
but britt says it's weird and I'll be unhappy. I don't HATE mcc... in fact, I
rather like class because it gives me something to think about besides Rafi.
Some days are much better than others.. but most days I am very unhappy,
even crying. I don't know where peppy kendall has gone, but she's
definitely gone. and has been for quite sometime.
tonight I had dinner with alia, which was fun. she always makes me laugh
and we are so much alike. so much! I've lost myself by being so
involved with rafi - and I need to find me again! I WAS happy without him, before him.
i FUNCTIONED. I LAUGHED. I LOVED things. I LOVED people. I just need
to figure out how to get back to that girl...
growing up is really difficult. I turn 20 next month and like.. wow. that's old.
and i feel like such a tiny little girl inside.
"well I'm lookin for a dream on a machine with hell in his eyes"
"I want a whole lot more than the boy next door, I want hell on wheels."- grease 2
funny movie.. haven't seen it in awhile. 1 is better, I love Grease. but
there's no much else on.
I really don't like my job, it's boring... REALLY boring. but the
best money i could be making as a 19 year old college student.
I want to write.. I want to travel.. I just really thought
Rafi would be next to me through all of it.. and now it's like
my wingman is gone. Having him love me so much made my love
myself, and without his love it's like I don't love
myself anymore at all. that's REALLY unhealthy and terrible.
how did I let his happen? Bah.
Anyways - bottom line: I miss highschool and I'm very
unhappy in life right now.
who I am, and what I believe, and all that jazz.
I'm just trying to take it day by day... and define myself not by other people,
but simply by myself. I'm working on being okay with it being just me. Losing Rafi
has been really tough.. and I haven't completely accepted it yet, but it's
reality. Hard to face. Really. hard to face. Every couple that walks by.. or
any friend that is excited about a new/old boyfriend... just absolutely
kills me inside. I'm happy for everybody, it's just hard. I want it again
so much. I miss Rafi, and I wish I could have the relationship back. But, it's
over and he doesn't want me in his life anymore.. nor does he want a relationship
for sure, so I need to move on. I'm trying to move on... but the hope of him
coming back is always in my mind. In the past, my pattern has tended to be
"want what you can't have" and I REALLY need to get out of that habit...
because it means I'm never happy. Anyways, I'm just trying to
take it day by day, find little things to look forward to. I miss highschool.
I miss highschool a lot... everything was much more simple and explainable.
I graduate at the end of this semester, with an AA degree and then I will
go on.. somewhere... though I don't know where yet. I'm looking in New College,
but britt says it's weird and I'll be unhappy. I don't HATE mcc... in fact, I
rather like class because it gives me something to think about besides Rafi.
Some days are much better than others.. but most days I am very unhappy,
even crying. I don't know where peppy kendall has gone, but she's
definitely gone. and has been for quite sometime.
tonight I had dinner with alia, which was fun. she always makes me laugh
and we are so much alike. so much! I've lost myself by being so
involved with rafi - and I need to find me again! I WAS happy without him, before him.
i FUNCTIONED. I LAUGHED. I LOVED things. I LOVED people. I just need
to figure out how to get back to that girl...
growing up is really difficult. I turn 20 next month and like.. wow. that's old.
and i feel like such a tiny little girl inside.
"well I'm lookin for a dream on a machine with hell in his eyes"
"I want a whole lot more than the boy next door, I want hell on wheels."- grease 2
funny movie.. haven't seen it in awhile. 1 is better, I love Grease. but
there's no much else on.
I really don't like my job, it's boring... REALLY boring. but the
best money i could be making as a 19 year old college student.
I want to write.. I want to travel.. I just really thought
Rafi would be next to me through all of it.. and now it's like
my wingman is gone. Having him love me so much made my love
myself, and without his love it's like I don't love
myself anymore at all. that's REALLY unhealthy and terrible.
how did I let his happen? Bah.
Anyways - bottom line: I miss highschool and I'm very
unhappy in life right now.