Leaving Childhood
When I think about the subject line I'd just typed down, I find it hard to pin down what that phrase really means to me. Leaving childhood.
The Taoist philosophy teaches me to do no such thing; I should embrace my adult self as a child would and see the world through childlike eyes. The way of the Tao is to observe and flow with the natural course of events, and by doing so I learn who I am inside and what am I to do in this world. By leaving behind remnants of my childhood self, I am discarding an essential part of myself.
However, I feel like I can fly a little more freely by leaving it behind. Ordinary people call this self-realization 'growing up'. I've found what I've been looking for and I know this is what I want to do. Yet, I cannot see myself as an adult when I make this choice; I see myself returning back to who I was, a child.
It's a paradox! But I can explain more.
You see, I've decided to cut out the premed path. I've decided to focus solely on computer science, get an internship related to computers, and graduate with this degree. I want to work in the industry after graduation. It was a gradual thing, something that has been breaking down this selfish wall of illusion.
Growing up as the youngest child, I believed that I would stand out from the rest of my family. I thought I was truly capable of doing something that was extraordinary and warranted respect. At the same time, I wanted to remain small and low-key; being at the center of attention for my accomplishments made me slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable. There was this ideal in my mind, where I would be doing something my parents would be proud of--becoming a doctor, and I would do noble things like traveling to China to work in small-village clinics. There was this ideal in my mind, where I would go to Harvard or MIT and gain valuable experiences I would not otherwise have experienced anywhere else. There was this ideal in my mind, where I would marry into a good family and have a loving husband that respected my family.
But these are ideals; they are not Things as They Are. I love my childhood, for all its pain and happiness. But the older I got, surrounded by those already late in their lives, the more I was deluded into thinking that I should do better than they. I am not quite sure why I thought this way. My parents certainly never taught me to think this way. I think subconsciously, I wanted to be the charm, like in that phrase, "Three's a charm." (Well, considering I was born on the luckest day of the month, at 8:08 a.m. on the year 1988, the year of the dragon, that's not far from the truth. Apparently, I gave my dad much fortune, enough to get the family a brand new house a few months before I was born.)
I thought I was cleared of my delusions. In high school, I gave up on my dream to become a doctor and took on activities I enjoyed. I jumped from one interest to another, and enjoyed my time immensely. I was content to go home everyday with my best friend, study with her, attend tournaments, just the high school life. But then my ego took a huge blow when applications rolled around, when I saw that my indecisiveness and inability to make concrete choices costed my chances at the Ivy Leagues. I felt so childish to have spent my four years doing insignificant things, things that amounted to nothing on the screen or on the paper.
I entered college, telling others I only wanted to find myself. I avoided taking hard classes or overwhelming myself with activities because I felt it was more important that I find something that genuinely interested me. I didn't want to do something just because I had extensive knowledge about it beforehand, or that because it was easy for me to pick up. I didn't want to anything that would guarantee me instant success and power. In fact, I downplayed myself, saying that I didn't have much people skill or a "standout" quality that would qualify me as successful. But the shrinking of my esteem and my belief that I would remain a "corporate peon" were all just ways to beat the idea into me that I was incapable of achieving real success. In the end, I still could not find something that would make me content; mounting pressures from my roommate to do something more challenging pushed me over the edge. Soon enough I found myself in premed, again deluded by self-expectations to "standout" and be ideal.
Living with Anita I have begun to break down this delusions one by one. More and more I see myself working as a CS programmer than as a medical doctor saving the sight/lives of people. I talk with my friends with high anticipation for the future, as if I would accompany them around the world or be able to have a good lunch/dinner with them every so often...things that I would not be able to do if I were a doctor. I thought joining suitcase clinic has solidified my choice to do premed, as the premeds there had a positive influence on me, but I realized that the work I sought in the clinic was far from what other typical premeds sought for. I did modest, humble work, without really a thought that I was doing something not many people wanted to do. It wasn't a prestigious thing to do; just something courageous. I think what I liked most about being a CS premed was that I was being courageous about taking on challenges that were a little more than I could chew, but it was still brave and exploratory. Talking with my parents, and seeing that they care more about whether or not I have a boyfriend, or that I get my seven hours of sleep everyday, than me becoming a doctor, I see what matters the most. What they see in front of them is not a girl becoming a woman and achieving professional success. What they see is their child, taking off the veil of self-deceiving ideals and finally seeing the world in much simpler and more defined lines.
I've begun to see my own path, humble and modest and happy. I know there are obstacles I have not seen yet, things that can be sad and angry and violent and tragic. But there are also other things that can be happy and peaceful and optimistic. In the end, the natural flow has its rises and falls--take life with some humor and peace, and you will be fine.
I know now what it means to be a child. I wanted to be a perfect adult as a child. Now I want to be an adult who is the perfect child and have achieved the way of the Tao. I treasure these days well, the good and the bad. Yes, I'm leaving behind my self-created illusions and presumptuous ideals, not my childhood. I'm embracing my curiosity and my eagerness for exploration. With unbiased eyes, I hope to watch the world and hope that the world watches me too.
The Taoist philosophy teaches me to do no such thing; I should embrace my adult self as a child would and see the world through childlike eyes. The way of the Tao is to observe and flow with the natural course of events, and by doing so I learn who I am inside and what am I to do in this world. By leaving behind remnants of my childhood self, I am discarding an essential part of myself.
However, I feel like I can fly a little more freely by leaving it behind. Ordinary people call this self-realization 'growing up'. I've found what I've been looking for and I know this is what I want to do. Yet, I cannot see myself as an adult when I make this choice; I see myself returning back to who I was, a child.
It's a paradox! But I can explain more.
You see, I've decided to cut out the premed path. I've decided to focus solely on computer science, get an internship related to computers, and graduate with this degree. I want to work in the industry after graduation. It was a gradual thing, something that has been breaking down this selfish wall of illusion.
Growing up as the youngest child, I believed that I would stand out from the rest of my family. I thought I was truly capable of doing something that was extraordinary and warranted respect. At the same time, I wanted to remain small and low-key; being at the center of attention for my accomplishments made me slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable. There was this ideal in my mind, where I would be doing something my parents would be proud of--becoming a doctor, and I would do noble things like traveling to China to work in small-village clinics. There was this ideal in my mind, where I would go to Harvard or MIT and gain valuable experiences I would not otherwise have experienced anywhere else. There was this ideal in my mind, where I would marry into a good family and have a loving husband that respected my family.
But these are ideals; they are not Things as They Are. I love my childhood, for all its pain and happiness. But the older I got, surrounded by those already late in their lives, the more I was deluded into thinking that I should do better than they. I am not quite sure why I thought this way. My parents certainly never taught me to think this way. I think subconsciously, I wanted to be the charm, like in that phrase, "Three's a charm." (Well, considering I was born on the luckest day of the month, at 8:08 a.m. on the year 1988, the year of the dragon, that's not far from the truth. Apparently, I gave my dad much fortune, enough to get the family a brand new house a few months before I was born.)
I thought I was cleared of my delusions. In high school, I gave up on my dream to become a doctor and took on activities I enjoyed. I jumped from one interest to another, and enjoyed my time immensely. I was content to go home everyday with my best friend, study with her, attend tournaments, just the high school life. But then my ego took a huge blow when applications rolled around, when I saw that my indecisiveness and inability to make concrete choices costed my chances at the Ivy Leagues. I felt so childish to have spent my four years doing insignificant things, things that amounted to nothing on the screen or on the paper.
I entered college, telling others I only wanted to find myself. I avoided taking hard classes or overwhelming myself with activities because I felt it was more important that I find something that genuinely interested me. I didn't want to do something just because I had extensive knowledge about it beforehand, or that because it was easy for me to pick up. I didn't want to anything that would guarantee me instant success and power. In fact, I downplayed myself, saying that I didn't have much people skill or a "standout" quality that would qualify me as successful. But the shrinking of my esteem and my belief that I would remain a "corporate peon" were all just ways to beat the idea into me that I was incapable of achieving real success. In the end, I still could not find something that would make me content; mounting pressures from my roommate to do something more challenging pushed me over the edge. Soon enough I found myself in premed, again deluded by self-expectations to "standout" and be ideal.
Living with Anita I have begun to break down this delusions one by one. More and more I see myself working as a CS programmer than as a medical doctor saving the sight/lives of people. I talk with my friends with high anticipation for the future, as if I would accompany them around the world or be able to have a good lunch/dinner with them every so often...things that I would not be able to do if I were a doctor. I thought joining suitcase clinic has solidified my choice to do premed, as the premeds there had a positive influence on me, but I realized that the work I sought in the clinic was far from what other typical premeds sought for. I did modest, humble work, without really a thought that I was doing something not many people wanted to do. It wasn't a prestigious thing to do; just something courageous. I think what I liked most about being a CS premed was that I was being courageous about taking on challenges that were a little more than I could chew, but it was still brave and exploratory. Talking with my parents, and seeing that they care more about whether or not I have a boyfriend, or that I get my seven hours of sleep everyday, than me becoming a doctor, I see what matters the most. What they see in front of them is not a girl becoming a woman and achieving professional success. What they see is their child, taking off the veil of self-deceiving ideals and finally seeing the world in much simpler and more defined lines.
I've begun to see my own path, humble and modest and happy. I know there are obstacles I have not seen yet, things that can be sad and angry and violent and tragic. But there are also other things that can be happy and peaceful and optimistic. In the end, the natural flow has its rises and falls--take life with some humor and peace, and you will be fine.
I know now what it means to be a child. I wanted to be a perfect adult as a child. Now I want to be an adult who is the perfect child and have achieved the way of the Tao. I treasure these days well, the good and the bad. Yes, I'm leaving behind my self-created illusions and presumptuous ideals, not my childhood. I'm embracing my curiosity and my eagerness for exploration. With unbiased eyes, I hope to watch the world and hope that the world watches me too.