A
i dont even know where to start.
i fucked up. like big time.
you know those moments where you know you fucked up and youd do anything to change it, but you cant.
yep...
i keep writing and deleting my sentences because there really are no words. no feeling. im simply in a state of shock. sorta numb.
its like certain events keep re-playing when theres silence.
im the type of person that will continue to say woulda coulda shouldas in the back of my mind.
but theres simply no changing whats been done.
i havent heard words that sharp in a long time. words that instantly cut once they leave the mouth.
i feel awful and terrible inside about everything. so where do i go from here?
i can run away, hide, stay indoors until i leave for china.
which is plausible since its just another 6 days...
or i can try to pretend everythings ok.
i tried that one today and it didnt work at all. all my smiles are fake and i havent spoken more than a few words to anyone that wasnt leisha.
im thankful for livejournal because no one reads this shit so my thoughts will always be safe here.
because i need to get my thoughts out.
how do you make someone trust you again? its so funny bc trust is so hard for me to make with people and i just did the one thing that will strip all trust from any relationship.
i see my friends go through this stuff all the time and i never thought i would be on the other end of this.
over drinking and making bad decisions...what am i fucking 18 again? how embarrassing.
its like some bad dream that i keep thinking im going to wake up from. like it never happened. like i was smarter than that.
what i would do for a time machine...
when i looked into his eyes i didnt see anything but straight disappointment.
which is how i feel. disappointed in myself.
and the funny part is that if this was just "how i roll" or "did these things all the time" i wouldnt feel badly. but because its so out of character im just shocked. at myself.
doesnt matter how many times i tell myself he'll forgive you one day, i just dont know.
do people go back to the way things were? is it like when steve and miranda meet on the bridge?
of course ive got some nice lady friends that tell me itll be fine. and that they unfortunately understand what happened and how mistakes happen. and they tell me to stop beating myself up.
im trying to stay occupied. like reading and watching horror movies. but when that silence hits, i just think about it.
and the one feeling i swore i would never know was regret. but i feel it now.
and i understand why no one wants to feel this way.
idk how to pull myself from this existential funk...
when will it feel better? the shitty part is that i wont know. ive just got to wait it out.
i dont want to feel like im wearing the scarlet fucking letter.
fuck. 09 isnt off to the best start. and i feel its my fault.
and can we please look back at my previous entry about how my current nightmares were warning me some shit would go down. damn...who knew.
i tried so hard to protect myself from getting hurt and in the end i did it to myself.
ironic humor...good one, life.
but people fuck up, hence the fallibility...
i'll feel better eventually. but for now im stoic.
and i hate how dramatic this entry sounds. but im not changing one word.
i fucked up. like big time.
you know those moments where you know you fucked up and youd do anything to change it, but you cant.
yep...
i keep writing and deleting my sentences because there really are no words. no feeling. im simply in a state of shock. sorta numb.
its like certain events keep re-playing when theres silence.
im the type of person that will continue to say woulda coulda shouldas in the back of my mind.
but theres simply no changing whats been done.
i havent heard words that sharp in a long time. words that instantly cut once they leave the mouth.
i feel awful and terrible inside about everything. so where do i go from here?
i can run away, hide, stay indoors until i leave for china.
which is plausible since its just another 6 days...
or i can try to pretend everythings ok.
i tried that one today and it didnt work at all. all my smiles are fake and i havent spoken more than a few words to anyone that wasnt leisha.
im thankful for livejournal because no one reads this shit so my thoughts will always be safe here.
because i need to get my thoughts out.
how do you make someone trust you again? its so funny bc trust is so hard for me to make with people and i just did the one thing that will strip all trust from any relationship.
i see my friends go through this stuff all the time and i never thought i would be on the other end of this.
over drinking and making bad decisions...what am i fucking 18 again? how embarrassing.
its like some bad dream that i keep thinking im going to wake up from. like it never happened. like i was smarter than that.
what i would do for a time machine...
when i looked into his eyes i didnt see anything but straight disappointment.
which is how i feel. disappointed in myself.
and the funny part is that if this was just "how i roll" or "did these things all the time" i wouldnt feel badly. but because its so out of character im just shocked. at myself.
doesnt matter how many times i tell myself he'll forgive you one day, i just dont know.
do people go back to the way things were? is it like when steve and miranda meet on the bridge?
of course ive got some nice lady friends that tell me itll be fine. and that they unfortunately understand what happened and how mistakes happen. and they tell me to stop beating myself up.
im trying to stay occupied. like reading and watching horror movies. but when that silence hits, i just think about it.
and the one feeling i swore i would never know was regret. but i feel it now.
and i understand why no one wants to feel this way.
idk how to pull myself from this existential funk...
when will it feel better? the shitty part is that i wont know. ive just got to wait it out.
i dont want to feel like im wearing the scarlet fucking letter.
fuck. 09 isnt off to the best start. and i feel its my fault.
and can we please look back at my previous entry about how my current nightmares were warning me some shit would go down. damn...who knew.
i tried so hard to protect myself from getting hurt and in the end i did it to myself.
ironic humor...good one, life.
but people fuck up, hence the fallibility...
i'll feel better eventually. but for now im stoic.
and i hate how dramatic this entry sounds. but im not changing one word.