This is not summer.
It is not summer when:
I have to take a class
My job is indoors
I am not tan
I haven't been camping in more than 1 week (and I haven't been in a lot longer than that)
I have to go to bed early to get up early
I can't go to the beach
I miss my family and my house and my room
I'm not in Portland
I can't come over to watch friends
I just hate the fact that I'm not in Portland right now. Mostly because there I know who I am... I know what I like to do there and there are people who like to do things with me. Here I feel stuck, I want to go outside and do things but I don't have any resources. Plus it always feels like I'm in a fight or in trouble about something. All the joy I had in coming here is just about gone. I don't know what to do. Something is different and like I was afraid of I think its me. Its just that I don't like it anymore, I don't know why I ever did. I just don't know if its something that can be fixed or not. I'm sick of it but it if its how it is then I can't try to change it... and that just means its over. I guess I'm just hoping that somehow it turns out to be just a huge misunderstanding. I want it to be like it was before I left for NZ. I know it was never actually perfect but because of that it was perfect for me. What changed? I have no idea.
I also hate the fact that I just sit back and take it. I feel spineless and weak everyday. Its like I'm kept in fear, I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid of what it means... and I know I'm not making it any better, I just know it could be a hell of a lot worse.
I have to take a class
My job is indoors
I am not tan
I haven't been camping in more than 1 week (and I haven't been in a lot longer than that)
I have to go to bed early to get up early
I can't go to the beach
I miss my family and my house and my room
I'm not in Portland
I can't come over to watch friends
I just hate the fact that I'm not in Portland right now. Mostly because there I know who I am... I know what I like to do there and there are people who like to do things with me. Here I feel stuck, I want to go outside and do things but I don't have any resources. Plus it always feels like I'm in a fight or in trouble about something. All the joy I had in coming here is just about gone. I don't know what to do. Something is different and like I was afraid of I think its me. Its just that I don't like it anymore, I don't know why I ever did. I just don't know if its something that can be fixed or not. I'm sick of it but it if its how it is then I can't try to change it... and that just means its over. I guess I'm just hoping that somehow it turns out to be just a huge misunderstanding. I want it to be like it was before I left for NZ. I know it was never actually perfect but because of that it was perfect for me. What changed? I have no idea.
I also hate the fact that I just sit back and take it. I feel spineless and weak everyday. Its like I'm kept in fear, I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid of what it means... and I know I'm not making it any better, I just know it could be a hell of a lot worse.