(no subject)
So, I haven't posted in a long time and I realized that this is probably the one thing that will make me feel a little bit better.
I am in the weirdest place ever. I feel as though everything I do isn't real, its all just something that is happening at this particular moment but that it doesn't mean anything and in the next moment whatever just happened will all be fiction. What am I doing here? I keep going back and getting hurt but the hurt isn't real so I guess I don't care and as soon as he calls me back I go without remembering what happened last time. I tried to remind myself with signs hanging on my desk and on my door but it didn't work. I went out and danced for 4 hours last night and it was amazing and I loved myself but as soon as I saw him I hated myself again. I hate hating myself. I should hate him but instead I hate myself for not hating him. He is a jerk. I know its not his fault that shit happened to him but why can't he get over that? Why can't I help him get over that? I just want to help him but instead he drains my happiness. I know in order for this to work I have to be the rock, the one who is always there no matter what. The problem is that he can't even admit that he needs help, he has completely resigned himself to being dissapointing and he doesn't think that this is a bad thing. He said that when nothing is expected of you, you can get away with pretty much anything. In some ways my mission is completely selfish, I want to be the one to be this amazing savior I guess. But I think I underestimated how much I would have to sacrifice to be that person. I don't think I'm strong enough to keep putting up with all his shit.
ARG!
p.s. Emily, how are you my dear?
I am in the weirdest place ever. I feel as though everything I do isn't real, its all just something that is happening at this particular moment but that it doesn't mean anything and in the next moment whatever just happened will all be fiction. What am I doing here? I keep going back and getting hurt but the hurt isn't real so I guess I don't care and as soon as he calls me back I go without remembering what happened last time. I tried to remind myself with signs hanging on my desk and on my door but it didn't work. I went out and danced for 4 hours last night and it was amazing and I loved myself but as soon as I saw him I hated myself again. I hate hating myself. I should hate him but instead I hate myself for not hating him. He is a jerk. I know its not his fault that shit happened to him but why can't he get over that? Why can't I help him get over that? I just want to help him but instead he drains my happiness. I know in order for this to work I have to be the rock, the one who is always there no matter what. The problem is that he can't even admit that he needs help, he has completely resigned himself to being dissapointing and he doesn't think that this is a bad thing. He said that when nothing is expected of you, you can get away with pretty much anything. In some ways my mission is completely selfish, I want to be the one to be this amazing savior I guess. But I think I underestimated how much I would have to sacrifice to be that person. I don't think I'm strong enough to keep putting up with all his shit.
ARG!
p.s. Emily, how are you my dear?