PRIVATE
Here I am again writing in this blog. It's odd as I never really thought of myself as a journal writing type of person. I suppose I was wrong, or perhaps I'm just using this as an outlet since I can't talk to anyone. Armadillomon and Wormmon want to help, but they don't understand what I'm going through and they'd end up telling Ken since Armadillomon a blabber mouth and Wormmon's Ken's digimon. It's not like he'd keep things from him, he's just so devoted.
I know Ken wouldn't understand and he doesn't have time for me. He's always busy. Most of the time I end up going to bed alone and he's never there when I wake up in the morning. The only chance I get to talk to him is at meals and even that's becoming scarce.
And sometimes, when he looks at me, it's like he's another person. There's the sweet person who loves me and cares--the reason I abandoned my old life to follow him. Then there's this angry, spiteful person who scares me. I've known it for a long time, but lately the second one's becoming more and more frequent while the Ken I fell in love disappears.
I thought I could deal with the second personality, but it's only getting worse. I keep reaching out, trying to reconnect the only way I can anymore (the only way he'll let me)--sex. But it doesn't work; the second personality comes out then too. And I've tried everything! Just the other day I went along with having sex in the control room, which I knew was a bad idea because he wanted to do it on a computer chair. The kind with wheels. And it ended just as badly as I thought it would. (We fell off the chair and hit the floor hard, while still... connected. It hurt like a bitch.) So know I don't even have that since there's no way I'm having sex again for at least a good week.
Which leads me to returning to Japan. It's not much better there, but I can just blend in with the crowd and not have to be anyone. I'll drop off Miya's birthday present too; I got here a jumper she's had her eye on for awhile now. I couldn't help but get it for her, we've always celebrated each others birthdays and such. It's hard to end a tradition.
I'm going to go now. That way I'll be out most of the day; won't have to think of how helpless I am. I need to get some more cigarettes too. I seem to be going through them faster now, it's probably the stress. Oh well, at least it serves as an excuse to return to Japan.
I know Ken wouldn't understand and he doesn't have time for me. He's always busy. Most of the time I end up going to bed alone and he's never there when I wake up in the morning. The only chance I get to talk to him is at meals and even that's becoming scarce.
And sometimes, when he looks at me, it's like he's another person. There's the sweet person who loves me and cares--the reason I abandoned my old life to follow him. Then there's this angry, spiteful person who scares me. I've known it for a long time, but lately the second one's becoming more and more frequent while the Ken I fell in love disappears.
I thought I could deal with the second personality, but it's only getting worse. I keep reaching out, trying to reconnect the only way I can anymore (the only way he'll let me)--sex. But it doesn't work; the second personality comes out then too. And I've tried everything! Just the other day I went along with having sex in the control room, which I knew was a bad idea because he wanted to do it on a computer chair. The kind with wheels. And it ended just as badly as I thought it would. (We fell off the chair and hit the floor hard, while still... connected. It hurt like a bitch.) So know I don't even have that since there's no way I'm having sex again for at least a good week.
Which leads me to returning to Japan. It's not much better there, but I can just blend in with the crowd and not have to be anyone. I'll drop off Miya's birthday present too; I got here a jumper she's had her eye on for awhile now. I couldn't help but get it for her, we've always celebrated each others birthdays and such. It's hard to end a tradition.
I'm going to go now. That way I'll be out most of the day; won't have to think of how helpless I am. I need to get some more cigarettes too. I seem to be going through them faster now, it's probably the stress. Oh well, at least it serves as an excuse to return to Japan.