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Well, it's been a while since I wrote here. I'm not even sure why I am. It's not like anyone's going to read this and I like to keep my thoughts to myself in general. I suppose it's because I need an outlet to vent and get everything out in the open, even if it's only me that'll know.
I guess I should go back to Christmas, cause that's when it all changed. Ken came back into my life then. Looking back at it, I shouldn't have been so surprised. There were so many clues: no body, that note he left, the closed post when I thought I was going crazy. There were little things too, like how I'd find things in odd place or couldn't find things at all. It was him all along. I was just to dense to see it, or maybe I just didn't want to. He was rather those last months before he disappeared. I just didn't want to think about it...
Anyway, he popped up on Christmas and that didn't go so well. I even ended up ODing which I hadn't meant to do. It was just... I felt like I was being torn apart (still do) and I just wanted to feel happy again. So I stupidly overdosed on my anti-depressants, which I no longer have because of that. Wouldn't matter if I did; I can't get refills myself.
I don't really remember what happened after I took the meds. I must have past out. I guess Ken found me and resuscitated me (We haven't talked about it or anything that happened that day. I'm not sure I want to; a lot of bad shit went down then.)-the doctor said I stopped breathing. I was in the hospital a couple of days after so that they could watch me; didn't believe it wasn't a suicide attempt.
It caused a lot more family problems.
I left home the day I was released. Just waited until Mom and Grandpa went to bed and packed up and left. Ken was there waiting for me like he knew what I was going to do. Maybe he did, who knows? I've been living in the house Ken created for me since then. He does too, which is really odd. Maybe just because it's so domesticated. I mean, Ken's not really the type to shack down and here we are living together. It's almost surreal.
Not that I've never had thoughts of living with Ken, cause I have. Plenty of them. But they were more dreams than anything cause... well, lets face it I'm me and Ken's Ken. We're very different people and want very different things. I've always worried that he'll leave me eventually cause of that. I almost died when I thought he was gone. I don't think I could survive that a second time.
So that's why I left behind everything, my friends, my family, everything. It was so I could be with him because I'm nothing without him. I wish this could have come with a cheaper price, that I could still have my family and talk to my friends, but the truth is that I need him more. It might be a selfish choice, but what's done is done.
Too bad that's easier to say than to do. I don't approve of what Ken's doing, although I suppose for all intent purposes I'm now the enemy. I still want to help them. Well, maybe not help them. I really want to keep them from getting in to the DigiWorld. If they can't get in, then I don't have to worry about fighting against them. Too bad they're so stubborn and won't listen to me.
*sigh* I don't think this is helping any. I just feel more conflicted, if anything. Maybe I just need a breather. I think I'll take Armadillomon and Wormmon and go over to the fortress to see what Ken's doing. Yeah... that'll probably help. At least I won't have just myself for company.
I guess I should go back to Christmas, cause that's when it all changed. Ken came back into my life then. Looking back at it, I shouldn't have been so surprised. There were so many clues: no body, that note he left, the closed post when I thought I was going crazy. There were little things too, like how I'd find things in odd place or couldn't find things at all. It was him all along. I was just to dense to see it, or maybe I just didn't want to. He was rather those last months before he disappeared. I just didn't want to think about it...
Anyway, he popped up on Christmas and that didn't go so well. I even ended up ODing which I hadn't meant to do. It was just... I felt like I was being torn apart (still do) and I just wanted to feel happy again. So I stupidly overdosed on my anti-depressants, which I no longer have because of that. Wouldn't matter if I did; I can't get refills myself.
I don't really remember what happened after I took the meds. I must have past out. I guess Ken found me and resuscitated me (We haven't talked about it or anything that happened that day. I'm not sure I want to; a lot of bad shit went down then.)-the doctor said I stopped breathing. I was in the hospital a couple of days after so that they could watch me; didn't believe it wasn't a suicide attempt.
It caused a lot more family problems.
I left home the day I was released. Just waited until Mom and Grandpa went to bed and packed up and left. Ken was there waiting for me like he knew what I was going to do. Maybe he did, who knows? I've been living in the house Ken created for me since then. He does too, which is really odd. Maybe just because it's so domesticated. I mean, Ken's not really the type to shack down and here we are living together. It's almost surreal.
Not that I've never had thoughts of living with Ken, cause I have. Plenty of them. But they were more dreams than anything cause... well, lets face it I'm me and Ken's Ken. We're very different people and want very different things. I've always worried that he'll leave me eventually cause of that. I almost died when I thought he was gone. I don't think I could survive that a second time.
So that's why I left behind everything, my friends, my family, everything. It was so I could be with him because I'm nothing without him. I wish this could have come with a cheaper price, that I could still have my family and talk to my friends, but the truth is that I need him more. It might be a selfish choice, but what's done is done.
Too bad that's easier to say than to do. I don't approve of what Ken's doing, although I suppose for all intent purposes I'm now the enemy. I still want to help them. Well, maybe not help them. I really want to keep them from getting in to the DigiWorld. If they can't get in, then I don't have to worry about fighting against them. Too bad they're so stubborn and won't listen to me.
*sigh* I don't think this is helping any. I just feel more conflicted, if anything. Maybe I just need a breather. I think I'll take Armadillomon and Wormmon and go over to the fortress to see what Ken's doing. Yeah... that'll probably help. At least I won't have just myself for company.