Monday's "24" (Day 8, 6 a.m. - 8 a.m.)

[ken_of_ghastria]

Two hours of craziness to get through! We’re officially two-thirds of the way through Day 8, and the series seems to be ending on a high note. And what an ending this week. Usually the two-hour nights portend Something Big, and 24 didn’t disappoint. Yes, there were the usual eye-rollers (a car chase through Manhattan - at rush hour?!?), but nothing that dulled the shock of the last couple of minutes. As always, spoilers abound:

• Ethan is not looking well. Fortunately, like many White House officials, he has his own well-furnished office in the United Nations, complete with comfy couch. (That’s an interesting question, though: Does the Secretary of State have an office at the UN? Makes sense, I suppose…)
  
• President Hassan is getting a little frazzled. We know this because his hair is finally coming undone. He clonks Jack and decides to offer himself up in order to save New York from the dirty bomb.
  
• Jack recovers 40 seconds after being bludgeoned with a crowbar, and he, Renee, Dalia, and Kayla emerge from the tunnel somewhere in Manhattan. (And hey, that looks like a real location shot!) But wow, this is some tunnel! It runs from the United Nations, goes under Manhattan and the Hudson River, and ends at a military base in New Jersey. Better still, there are multiple spots along the way where any homeless person can stumble into it! Cool! Are there tours?
  
• It’s just like Beauty and the Beast! Wait, am I the only one who remembers that series? You know, Vincent, the half-man/half-lion guy and the people who lived in the tunnels under Manhattan and … no? Forget I said anything.
  
• Tarin stands by the Atom-O-Van, looking like a guy about to be cornered by Craig Hanson in an MSNBC pedophilia special. The makeup guys love putting sweat on this dude.
  
• Samir calls. “Yo, Tarin! You can deactivate the bomb. No rush.” Tarin happily turns it off with 00:07 remaining, which is a nice tip of the hat to Goldfinger, in which James Bond turns off a dirty bomb with 00:07 remaining.
  
• Jack’s cellphone miraculously works again and he gets in touch with President Taylor. “Madame President, I’m sorry to have to tell you something I’ve told every head of state in the 22 years I’ve been on this show: See that paunchy Cabinet officer behind you? DON’T LOOK! He betrayed you.”
  
• Oh, nice slap across Weasel Rob Weiss’ face by the Prez! Weiss defiantly maintains his composure… well, at least until Taylor tells him he’s being sent to the Oz penitentiary and that his new nickname is Pretty Boy. Then he crumbles like my NCAA bracket.
  
• You have to admit, though, that Weiss and Brucker weren’t wrong to say that they saved tens of thousands of lives. They did! So it was disappointing that the 24 writers couldn’t come up with a better counter to their case than “Well, you defied the President.”
  
• Tarin leaves the Atom-O-Van behind (really?) and drives off with Hassan, whose hair is even more messed up and who suddenly starts sounding a hell of a lot like Sean Connery!
  
• Tarin doesn’t want to hear Hassan’s defense of his peace-seeking attempts. He says, “You wanted the cover of Time Magazine! You betrayed your wife for a Western whore! You ate at Denny’s!” Hassan replies, “Nay, laddie, ye kinna understaun me reasons without standin about me sandals. Ye canna win. E’er right?”
  
• Meanwhile, back at CTU, Starbuck tries yet again to leave her station in order to make a super-secret phone call. Chloe: “Sit your moley ass down!”
  Jack and Freddie Prinze Jr. coordinate an ambush of Tarin’s vehicle, which should be fairly easy to do. In Manhattan. During the morning rush. OK, granted, all the bridges and tunnels are still closed (!), which should make it easier.
  
• I thought for sure that Arlo was a goner. Drat the luck! Starbuck finally manages to warn Tarin about the ambush. He freaks out a bit. Hassan says, “Are ye feelin a wee nairvous now, lad?”
  
• President Taylor tells Ethan (looking like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet), “I need you now.” Ooooh, cue the Kenny G music and warm up the Presidential Hot Tub!
  
• Considering it’s the morning and that all the bridges and tunnels are closed, shouldn’t this parking garage be damn well near empty? And didn’t Jack have both entrances covered by CTU agents? So, even yielding to the iffy concept that Tarin had time to move Hassan into another car, why didn’t CTU agents check out that car as it left the garage - especially a car leaving a parking garage at the start of the day? GAAAAAAAH!!! I know that 24 loves to do the bait-and-switch trick every season, but does it have to be this awkward?
  
• Starbuck attempts to leave CTU HQ, as she’s done a half-dozen times so far today, but now she needs a hall pass from Hunchback Hastings. She says she needs to get her migraine medications from her car, but I already used up all her migraine pills to get through the bad batch of episodes in February.
  
• Uh oh, the Russians are getting involved again! Quick, hide the FB-sub-circuit board!
  
• Jack does more mole hunting than my dermatologist.
  
• Starbuck tries to shoot her way out of CTU! Do all data analysts carry guns? (I only ask because I’ve been having problems with my laptop at work, and I don’t want to annoy the IT guy.) I hope all those cars in the CTU garage have bullet-hole insurance. Cue the Best Fake President Ever: “Rogue CTU agent shot up your car? I can relate. No problem. You’re in good hands with Allstate.”
  
• Now that she’s gone EEEEEVIL, Starbuck has cool snake-eye makeup. Or it could just be Renee’s leftover Goth eyeliner, Shades of Desperation.
  
• Jack arrives at CTU to interrogate Starbuck. Judy says, “Yeah, right! Jack was just at 160th Street, and now he’s… where is CTU?” Me: “I’m not sure. Looks like it’s across the East River. Maybe in Queens.” Judy: “So he got from 160th Street to Queens in five minutes? I don’t think so.”
  
• Anyway, in the Space:1999 interrogation room, Starbuck demands - you guessed it! - an immunity deal signed by the President! This is known as Form 3857-CTU, and copies are held in the tightest security - or at least they have been ever since one was accidentally given to Jim Belushi. She says, “I want to be compensated.” Me too, dearie, but I really don’t expect FOX to compensate me for the hours of my life wasted on your wussy subplot, right?
  
• Jack tells a doubtful Hunchback Hastings, “Freddie Prinze is clean. He’s an obsessive hand and face washer. Why do you think he’s so pale?”
  
• Hastings questions Freddie about what he knew about Starbuck’s past: “So where DID you and she disappear to for several hours?” Freddie: “That’s water under the body…uh, I mean, bridge. The dead White Trash Ex-Boyfriend in the New York bayou has nothing to do with this.”
  
• Hey, did I just see Freddie’s right cheek twitch? A muscle spasm? An attempt to … act? Judy: “He did that earlier when he confronted Starbuck. He was probably thinking about Buffy and Angel sleeping together.” Yeah, that’s it.
  
• Samir wants President Hassan to confess to his crimes on the Internet, or he’ll jab him with lots of pointy needles until he does! Hassan says, “Ye wooont brik me, laddie.”
  
• OK, pause. Let’s review the terrorists’ goal, now that we know it: Get Hassan to make a confession and kill him in front of a worldwide audience. To get to this point - and bear with me - they made a deal with the Russian mob, tried to kill Hassan (which goes against this goal), created a nuclear device, captured Hassan’s daughter, took out CTU’s surveillance for the sole purpose of arming the nuclear device, and - when it seems that it might be a good idea to have more leverage to persuade the persnickety Hassan to “confess” - they release his daughter (!) and surrender the nuclear device (!). You, Samir, are a BAD terrorist!
  
• Arlo has a good line regarding Starbuck: “If I had been looking somewhere in the vicinity of her face, I might have noticed something.” Chloe tells him to get over it, as Starbuck fooled both of them. No, Chloe, no! Never concede weakness to another lifeform! (By the way, Arlo, even if you had been staring at her face, you wouldn’t have noticed anything since there’s No Way In Hell that the “Dana is a mole” twist was planned from the get-go.)
  
• After telling Freddie about Dana’s immunity, Hunchback Hastings says, “Freddie, I know you’ve been burned - personally, professionally. Normally, I’d say there’s no way your career can survive. But if Sandra Bullock can win Best Actress, then anything is possible.” Frightened Mannequin Face!
  
• The broadcast has started! Jack and the CTU squad sneak up to the apartment building where Samir’s remaining guys are located. Hunchback Hastings gives the President a “real-time uplink” to the Jack Sneak Squad. Oh no…! In the history of 24, has providing the President with a “real-time uplink” of a CTU operation ever turned out well? I got a bad feeling about this.
  
• Wow, the Jack Sneak Squad is being incredibly efficient. Why weren’t these guys guarding the friggin’ parking garage?
  
• Oooh, Jack speaks Farsi! Well, maybe not. It’s more likely that Jack simply knows how to say “Stop!” and “Get down” in 23 languages.
  
• Yikes.
  
• Didn’t see that coming. Quite the shocker. But… delayed? What was everyone watching, the West Coast feed? Still, CTU has lost, and lost badly. President Hassan joins the ranks of Edgar, Tony (first death!), and Bill in earning the silent countdown. In tribute to Anil Kapoor’s performance, I shall now eat haggis in a curry sauce.