major anxiety
Realizations. That seems to be what this week is chock full of. And ya know what? Realizations blow. I'm not enjoying them.... so here... let me make some comments on whats on my mind seeing as I can not seem to fall asleep, Jon's asleep, and no one is online.
Ok. So. I'm graduating in supposedly one semester with a ba in music. Right. And i do what with that!?!??!?!?!?!?!? I am not happy not doing what I like, but i am also not happy being poor, having no security, or routine. So, with that pardox being that music is what I like but also what I know would make me miserable in many ways. So im thinking musicology. Well thats great.... except... I need foreign languages, of which i have none since high school, and i need a high gpa, and gres, and etc.etc.etc. AHHH. Im just so sick of thinking and planning and ... ive really just had it up to my ears.
In other news... I'm really down with singing. I know im at a certain level of goodness, but Im just so sick of feeling inadequate at every fucking thing that I do.
Well, maybe i put myself in this situation. Maybe my, as my undergraduate advisor put it "scattered-ness" has caused me to only be at a mediocre level in many things, which achievly notable success in any one area.
And then I'm thinking... Well, fuck it. Who cares what teachers think. I have had a disastrous personal life all throughout my college experience, first with emotional problems, transfers, physical problems with tons of medication complications, and 3 academic major changes. Like, I think considering the fucking basket I've been carrying on my shoulders that its pretty damn commendable I'm leaving Binghamton in 4.5 years with a 3.7. Ya know?
And I feel like my anxiety is out the roof. I'm not sleeping well, and I'm tired all day. I'm financially extremely unstable. Jon's the one consistent amazing thing in my life. Which I am so grateful for... .but i just feel so uneasy... and lost... and confused.... and directionless.
AND, i dont deal well without being in control of myself, my future,my problems, because we all know how amazingly I deal with things when I lose control (ahem).
But on a different note... Jon's awesome. Love him so.
Ok. So. I'm graduating in supposedly one semester with a ba in music. Right. And i do what with that!?!??!?!?!?!?!? I am not happy not doing what I like, but i am also not happy being poor, having no security, or routine. So, with that pardox being that music is what I like but also what I know would make me miserable in many ways. So im thinking musicology. Well thats great.... except... I need foreign languages, of which i have none since high school, and i need a high gpa, and gres, and etc.etc.etc. AHHH. Im just so sick of thinking and planning and ... ive really just had it up to my ears.
In other news... I'm really down with singing. I know im at a certain level of goodness, but Im just so sick of feeling inadequate at every fucking thing that I do.
Well, maybe i put myself in this situation. Maybe my, as my undergraduate advisor put it "scattered-ness" has caused me to only be at a mediocre level in many things, which achievly notable success in any one area.
And then I'm thinking... Well, fuck it. Who cares what teachers think. I have had a disastrous personal life all throughout my college experience, first with emotional problems, transfers, physical problems with tons of medication complications, and 3 academic major changes. Like, I think considering the fucking basket I've been carrying on my shoulders that its pretty damn commendable I'm leaving Binghamton in 4.5 years with a 3.7. Ya know?
And I feel like my anxiety is out the roof. I'm not sleeping well, and I'm tired all day. I'm financially extremely unstable. Jon's the one consistent amazing thing in my life. Which I am so grateful for... .but i just feel so uneasy... and lost... and confused.... and directionless.
AND, i dont deal well without being in control of myself, my future,my problems, because we all know how amazingly I deal with things when I lose control (ahem).
But on a different note... Jon's awesome. Love him so.