(no subject)
2009. What a weird, wasted year. What an empty year. I spent 3/4ths of this year wasting my time, doing nothing and going nowhere. And since December 27th, 2008 I have come full circle. I am exactly where I was last year.
In late December of 2008 I was in Eugene, spending all my time with Steven and his friends. I was home for two weeks from Toronto, where I was comfortable but lonely, with no one I'd balls-ed up and become close with. I remember that Christmas in kind of a daze. My whole relationship with Blakely had been in that daze, kind of a fantastic, alter-reality in which the consequences of real life don't really happen and you live in a sparkly rainbow world of happiness and romantic comedies. On January 2, 2009 I went back to Toronto and the ripples started to hit me. It started with a flu that gave me an excuse to stay in bed all day. It fell into a depression that destroyed my studies and my personal relationships to the point where I was, in early february, broken up with steven, living in filth, off of pantry items cause I hadn't been to the grocery store a block from my house in almost two weeks.
The break-up with Steve, which was an act of sheer desperation on my part, a last-ditch attempt to change something radically in my life as I circled the drain, didn't initially help. It was another two weeks filled with oreos and salt and vinegar potato chips and sitcom marathons before I started to pull myself together. But my sorority sisters, roommates and frat boy buddies helped be and I began to rebound. I never fully recovered, but I was much happier. I found Scott, and what followed was a month of no-strings-attached sex full of snark and good movies and music. I pulled myself back into Gamma, which didn't make me feel too much better (too much bureaucratic squabbling) but certainly gave me another outlet and lots of people who loved me. T moved in and my life began to be filled again with laughter, bright colors, and music. It began to warm up. Baby Rob and FIJI came into my life and I started to be really happy. Finals in May were hard, my classes were shot to shit and I was put on academic probation.
Then May 11th came and I flew home. I had made plans to be home for only a short time, hoping if I didn't adjust again to the empty comfort of Eugene I wouldn't want to stay. I was wrong. By late may I was so scared to go back, to fall back into depression, to leave everything I knew, that despite the people there who loved me and wanted me there, despite my relative happiness and the school's relative willingness to overlook my lack of academic prowess the previous term. I decided to move my stuff back home and give up on Toronto. It was a mistake, a choice made out of fear.
The next eight months passed in a haze. I did very little. Made some attempts to work, bought a car, tried to assert what independence I could. Lots of oreos, salt and vinegar potato chips and sitcom marathons. Steve and I were fighting constantly, sniping at each other, undermining each other and overlooking each other's real needs. It didn't make either of us happy. I was desperate and miserable. Steve's friend Cole started coming around. Cole was shy and quiet, passive and naive. He agreed with what I said and backed me up when Steve started sniping at me. I felt like I had an ally. One drunken night, two days after thanksgiving, I told Cole I had feelings for him. It was a mistake. It wasn't strictly untrue, but it was a crush caused by the desperation of my position with steve and our codependence that prevented us from breaking up without a catalyst. It was our catalyst. We did break up. I moved out. He picked up and dropped a couple of girls to fool around with. We're friends. We're spending Christmas together.
Despite my complete lack of productivity this year, I feel like I've grown. Perhaps this is going to lead to another brief spell of relative happiness. Perhaps not. I don't have any solid summation of this year, and a plot outline makes me kind of sad to look back upon. These are supposed to be the best years of my life. And I've been happy in Eugene. But I've been happy in the way that sleeping people are happy. Unchallenged, unquestioned, unstimulted. I start school again in January 2010. U of O. Nothing special or challenging. We'll see where I go from here, but from my seat the view is rather bleak.
In late December of 2008 I was in Eugene, spending all my time with Steven and his friends. I was home for two weeks from Toronto, where I was comfortable but lonely, with no one I'd balls-ed up and become close with. I remember that Christmas in kind of a daze. My whole relationship with Blakely had been in that daze, kind of a fantastic, alter-reality in which the consequences of real life don't really happen and you live in a sparkly rainbow world of happiness and romantic comedies. On January 2, 2009 I went back to Toronto and the ripples started to hit me. It started with a flu that gave me an excuse to stay in bed all day. It fell into a depression that destroyed my studies and my personal relationships to the point where I was, in early february, broken up with steven, living in filth, off of pantry items cause I hadn't been to the grocery store a block from my house in almost two weeks.
The break-up with Steve, which was an act of sheer desperation on my part, a last-ditch attempt to change something radically in my life as I circled the drain, didn't initially help. It was another two weeks filled with oreos and salt and vinegar potato chips and sitcom marathons before I started to pull myself together. But my sorority sisters, roommates and frat boy buddies helped be and I began to rebound. I never fully recovered, but I was much happier. I found Scott, and what followed was a month of no-strings-attached sex full of snark and good movies and music. I pulled myself back into Gamma, which didn't make me feel too much better (too much bureaucratic squabbling) but certainly gave me another outlet and lots of people who loved me. T moved in and my life began to be filled again with laughter, bright colors, and music. It began to warm up. Baby Rob and FIJI came into my life and I started to be really happy. Finals in May were hard, my classes were shot to shit and I was put on academic probation.
Then May 11th came and I flew home. I had made plans to be home for only a short time, hoping if I didn't adjust again to the empty comfort of Eugene I wouldn't want to stay. I was wrong. By late may I was so scared to go back, to fall back into depression, to leave everything I knew, that despite the people there who loved me and wanted me there, despite my relative happiness and the school's relative willingness to overlook my lack of academic prowess the previous term. I decided to move my stuff back home and give up on Toronto. It was a mistake, a choice made out of fear.
The next eight months passed in a haze. I did very little. Made some attempts to work, bought a car, tried to assert what independence I could. Lots of oreos, salt and vinegar potato chips and sitcom marathons. Steve and I were fighting constantly, sniping at each other, undermining each other and overlooking each other's real needs. It didn't make either of us happy. I was desperate and miserable. Steve's friend Cole started coming around. Cole was shy and quiet, passive and naive. He agreed with what I said and backed me up when Steve started sniping at me. I felt like I had an ally. One drunken night, two days after thanksgiving, I told Cole I had feelings for him. It was a mistake. It wasn't strictly untrue, but it was a crush caused by the desperation of my position with steve and our codependence that prevented us from breaking up without a catalyst. It was our catalyst. We did break up. I moved out. He picked up and dropped a couple of girls to fool around with. We're friends. We're spending Christmas together.
Despite my complete lack of productivity this year, I feel like I've grown. Perhaps this is going to lead to another brief spell of relative happiness. Perhaps not. I don't have any solid summation of this year, and a plot outline makes me kind of sad to look back upon. These are supposed to be the best years of my life. And I've been happy in Eugene. But I've been happy in the way that sleeping people are happy. Unchallenged, unquestioned, unstimulted. I start school again in January 2010. U of O. Nothing special or challenging. We'll see where I go from here, but from my seat the view is rather bleak.