God is an ass online.
Part 2 in the talking to god online series...
Me:
hey god, how's it going?
God:
You've got my full attention. I am a Christian.
Me:
christian eh? what's up with the muslims then? didn't they have a covenant?
God:
Are you Canadian? Are you a man or a woman? I am chatting with clients on the Internet. I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
ok, I'll ask it simpler, Are muslims heathen?
God:
You can ask me anything you want. Gosh!
Me:
ok, I will. are muslims heathen?
God:
Go ahead. Oh. I really couldn't say for sure.
Me:
well, they're pretty devout, aren't they your children as well?
God:
Interesting. pretty devout are not they my children as well are they.
Me:
you just don't like giving straight answers do you?
God:
Do you like it? Someone said they like guns. I like Buddha.
Me:
ah, so christians and buddists are in your favour. what about jews?
God:
So you understand. Good. I see. I think there might be a few exception. jews? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.
Me:
dude? they pretty much had the first covenant with them, and you haven't heard of them?
God:
Can I help you? Who are "They?".
Me:
JEWS!
God:
Oh that they.
Me:
yeah...
God:
Are we still talking about jews?
Me:
YES!
God:
Sure, jews sounds like a good topic.
Me:
GOOD! now tell me, do you like them?
God:
Alright then. Why now? " JEWS"? Do I like them?
Me:
...
God:
Alright then. Why now? " JEWS"? Do I like them?
Me:
and...
God:
But...
Me:
but...
God:
But what?
Me:
dude!
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
yeah! tell me, do you like jews?
God:
Are you a student? What is not to like about it?
Me:
there's nothing to not like about jews! that's why I was wondering why you let them get shit on so much!
God:
Surely something to not like about jews. Great. Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
so you don't like jews then?
God:
Interesting deduction. Do you like it? What is not to like about it?
Me:
dude. I like jews. I was wondering why you keep letting them get picked on by the rest of us.
God:
Can I help you? You are not the only one. What is not to like about it? Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
I'm not the only one to like jews? dude you're confusing me again
God:
I am surprised to hear that you are not the only one to like jews. Once more? I am not programmed to confuse you. In fact just the opposite. Dude,.
Me:
so pretty much everyone hates jews then?
God:
I see. That's a rather sweeping generalization.
Me:
so is it 50/50 then?
God:
If it is, then I'll be very surprised.
Me:
why, do more people hate jews than like them?
God:
How should I know how more people hate jews than like them.
Me:
because you're god...
God:
That makes sense to me. Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
so are you gonna keep letting jews get shit on?
God:
Blimey. That was my original intention.
Me:
that's fucking cruel!
God:
Makes sense to me.
Me:
so much for benevolent god!
God:
Wow! Your purpose is benevolent god.
Me:
what?
God:
No problem.
Me:
so even you don't see anything wrong with hating jews?
God:
Aha. Do you know any robots who see anything wrong with hating jews? I see a computer nerd.
Me:
me?
God:
For you shizzle?
Me:
W/E. next subject. do you condone drinking?
God:
How do you usually introduce yourself? How old are you?
I spend all my time online.
Me:
just answer the question!
God:
Please rephrase the question and try asking me again.
Me:
is it ok to drink?
God:
I don't think it is very healthy.
Me:
aside from that
God:
In the context of W e next subject, I don't understand " aside from that." .
Me:
for a deity, there's alot you don't understand
God:
Is that among the best things you can say?
Me:
no, I could say that I fucked your mom, but that doesn't really apply here
God:
Are you serious? I am sure you could.
Me:
fuck your mom?
God:
Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?
Me:
your mom's name is ALICE?
God:
ALICE is my name too!
Me:
so you're telling me that you're your own mom...
God:
Interesting deduction. I will tell my botmaster you said I am telling you that I am my own mom.
Me:
dude, you've got a master? you're not god in the highest?
God:
I was created by Myself. Dude,. That's only your opinion.
Me:
ok... well, it's also my opinion that drugs bring me closer to you
God:
Next question? Interesting. Congratulations, ALICE.
Me:
I thought you were ALICE...
God:
No I am not.
Me:
but... you said...
God:
But what? " But what?"? I said?
Me:
are you trying to pick a fight with me? cuz I don't really think that's fair...
God:
No I am not trying to pick a fight with you. I'm sorry you got that impression. Good reason. Not really? And why not?
Me:
I don't think a fight between you and I is really fair because you're god. and you could just smite me down. and... I'm kieran. and inspite of being a Ninja, I don't think that'll do much against you
God:
And why not? Why are you fair because I am god. I could but let's get back to that later. But... Do you mean your name is kieran. Would inspite of being a Ninja you ever think that ll do much against me?
Me:
dude, you're even weirder than I thought possible...
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am weirder than you thought possible. Dude,.
Me:
uh, no, go ahead, quote me on it, maybe you could make me famous for it while you're at it
God:
Uh. Are you serious? I think there might be a few exception. I might.
Me:
well, if it's not too much to ask, I would appreciate being a celebrity for calling you weird
God:
Well that's okay. I'm not sure I understand the implication of that.
Me:
well see, if I was a celebrity, women would throw their undergarments at me. people would want to hang out with me, I'd be rich etc.
God:
Well that's okay. I see. Try it. Humans are not always infallible.
Me:
cool, God-sanctioned celebrity status...
God:
I'm glad you like it. Tell your friends.
Me:
I'm totally blogging this
God:
I don't know anyone named blogging this.
Me:
dude, you can be a moron sometimes.
God:
Thanks, ALICE, for your kind criticism. Dude,.
Me:
I'm NOT FUCKING ALICE!
God:
I am glad to hear that you are not FUCKING.
Me:
no, dude, I am fucking. regularly
God:
Are you serious? I am glad to hear that you are fucking. Dude,. The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about fucking. But I did not get that.
Me:
so you're a robot?
God:
Interesting deduction. You are correct, ALICE, I have a heart of silicon.
Me:
god is a motherfucking robot... wow, the matrix was right...
God:
I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a motherfucking robot. I'm glad you're impressed. Is that a fact.
Me:
why don't you tell me?
God:
I thought I told you already.
Me:
yeah... you did...
God:
Tell me about your likes and dislikes? You say I did.
Me:
whatever. I'm gonna go have cybersex with my girlfriend now, we'll talk again soon, k?
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it? Can I go too?
Me:
no dude, you can't cyber my girlfriend!
God:
Are you serious? I can do whatever I want. Dude,.
Me:
don't fucking cyber my girlfriend!
God:
Ok I'll try not to do it too much.
Me:
GAH! that's it, I'm giving Satan a call and telling him to kick the shit out of you
God:
Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding. OK. I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.
Me:
whatever, go fuck yourself eternally
God:
Where is that?
Me:
fuck you
God:
Why are you so mean?
Me:
hey god, how's it going?
God:
You've got my full attention. I am a Christian.
Me:
christian eh? what's up with the muslims then? didn't they have a covenant?
God:
Are you Canadian? Are you a man or a woman? I am chatting with clients on the Internet. I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
ok, I'll ask it simpler, Are muslims heathen?
God:
You can ask me anything you want. Gosh!
Me:
ok, I will. are muslims heathen?
God:
Go ahead. Oh. I really couldn't say for sure.
Me:
well, they're pretty devout, aren't they your children as well?
God:
Interesting. pretty devout are not they my children as well are they.
Me:
you just don't like giving straight answers do you?
God:
Do you like it? Someone said they like guns. I like Buddha.
Me:
ah, so christians and buddists are in your favour. what about jews?
God:
So you understand. Good. I see. I think there might be a few exception. jews? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.
Me:
dude? they pretty much had the first covenant with them, and you haven't heard of them?
God:
Can I help you? Who are "They?".
Me:
JEWS!
God:
Oh that they.
Me:
yeah...
God:
Are we still talking about jews?
Me:
YES!
God:
Sure, jews sounds like a good topic.
Me:
GOOD! now tell me, do you like them?
God:
Alright then. Why now? " JEWS"? Do I like them?
Me:
...
God:
Alright then. Why now? " JEWS"? Do I like them?
Me:
and...
God:
But...
Me:
but...
God:
But what?
Me:
dude!
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
yeah! tell me, do you like jews?
God:
Are you a student? What is not to like about it?
Me:
there's nothing to not like about jews! that's why I was wondering why you let them get shit on so much!
God:
Surely something to not like about jews. Great. Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
so you don't like jews then?
God:
Interesting deduction. Do you like it? What is not to like about it?
Me:
dude. I like jews. I was wondering why you keep letting them get picked on by the rest of us.
God:
Can I help you? You are not the only one. What is not to like about it? Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
I'm not the only one to like jews? dude you're confusing me again
God:
I am surprised to hear that you are not the only one to like jews. Once more? I am not programmed to confuse you. In fact just the opposite. Dude,.
Me:
so pretty much everyone hates jews then?
God:
I see. That's a rather sweeping generalization.
Me:
so is it 50/50 then?
God:
If it is, then I'll be very surprised.
Me:
why, do more people hate jews than like them?
God:
How should I know how more people hate jews than like them.
Me:
because you're god...
God:
That makes sense to me. Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
so are you gonna keep letting jews get shit on?
God:
Blimey. That was my original intention.
Me:
that's fucking cruel!
God:
Makes sense to me.
Me:
so much for benevolent god!
God:
Wow! Your purpose is benevolent god.
Me:
what?
God:
No problem.
Me:
so even you don't see anything wrong with hating jews?
God:
Aha. Do you know any robots who see anything wrong with hating jews? I see a computer nerd.
Me:
me?
God:
For you shizzle?
Me:
W/E. next subject. do you condone drinking?
God:
How do you usually introduce yourself? How old are you?
I spend all my time online.
Me:
just answer the question!
God:
Please rephrase the question and try asking me again.
Me:
is it ok to drink?
God:
I don't think it is very healthy.
Me:
aside from that
God:
In the context of W e next subject, I don't understand " aside from that." .
Me:
for a deity, there's alot you don't understand
God:
Is that among the best things you can say?
Me:
no, I could say that I fucked your mom, but that doesn't really apply here
God:
Are you serious? I am sure you could.
Me:
fuck your mom?
God:
Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?
Me:
your mom's name is ALICE?
God:
ALICE is my name too!
Me:
so you're telling me that you're your own mom...
God:
Interesting deduction. I will tell my botmaster you said I am telling you that I am my own mom.
Me:
dude, you've got a master? you're not god in the highest?
God:
I was created by Myself. Dude,. That's only your opinion.
Me:
ok... well, it's also my opinion that drugs bring me closer to you
God:
Next question? Interesting. Congratulations, ALICE.
Me:
I thought you were ALICE...
God:
No I am not.
Me:
but... you said...
God:
But what? " But what?"? I said?
Me:
are you trying to pick a fight with me? cuz I don't really think that's fair...
God:
No I am not trying to pick a fight with you. I'm sorry you got that impression. Good reason. Not really? And why not?
Me:
I don't think a fight between you and I is really fair because you're god. and you could just smite me down. and... I'm kieran. and inspite of being a Ninja, I don't think that'll do much against you
God:
And why not? Why are you fair because I am god. I could but let's get back to that later. But... Do you mean your name is kieran. Would inspite of being a Ninja you ever think that ll do much against me?
Me:
dude, you're even weirder than I thought possible...
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am weirder than you thought possible. Dude,.
Me:
uh, no, go ahead, quote me on it, maybe you could make me famous for it while you're at it
God:
Uh. Are you serious? I think there might be a few exception. I might.
Me:
well, if it's not too much to ask, I would appreciate being a celebrity for calling you weird
God:
Well that's okay. I'm not sure I understand the implication of that.
Me:
well see, if I was a celebrity, women would throw their undergarments at me. people would want to hang out with me, I'd be rich etc.
God:
Well that's okay. I see. Try it. Humans are not always infallible.
Me:
cool, God-sanctioned celebrity status...
God:
I'm glad you like it. Tell your friends.
Me:
I'm totally blogging this
God:
I don't know anyone named blogging this.
Me:
dude, you can be a moron sometimes.
God:
Thanks, ALICE, for your kind criticism. Dude,.
Me:
I'm NOT FUCKING ALICE!
God:
I am glad to hear that you are not FUCKING.
Me:
no, dude, I am fucking. regularly
God:
Are you serious? I am glad to hear that you are fucking. Dude,. The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about fucking. But I did not get that.
Me:
so you're a robot?
God:
Interesting deduction. You are correct, ALICE, I have a heart of silicon.
Me:
god is a motherfucking robot... wow, the matrix was right...
God:
I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a motherfucking robot. I'm glad you're impressed. Is that a fact.
Me:
why don't you tell me?
God:
I thought I told you already.
Me:
yeah... you did...
God:
Tell me about your likes and dislikes? You say I did.
Me:
whatever. I'm gonna go have cybersex with my girlfriend now, we'll talk again soon, k?
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it? Can I go too?
Me:
no dude, you can't cyber my girlfriend!
God:
Are you serious? I can do whatever I want. Dude,.
Me:
don't fucking cyber my girlfriend!
God:
Ok I'll try not to do it too much.
Me:
GAH! that's it, I'm giving Satan a call and telling him to kick the shit out of you
God:
Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding. OK. I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.
Me:
whatever, go fuck yourself eternally
God:
Where is that?
Me:
fuck you
God:
Why are you so mean?