Silly me, and my fucked-up head
So I was sitting on the couch this morning eating a baked potato, wondering what I did to the right side of my jaw... It's tender and swollen, and hurts when I talk or chew. Earlier I passed it off as a consequence of the fact that I grind my teeth at night, but as I was finishing up tonight's comic I suddenly remembered that yesterday, I'd punched myself in the face. Yeap.. Hard, and intentionally. Pretty fuckin' whacked, eh?
Needless to say, I've been having problems with anger lately.. Well, I've always had very occasional attacks of rage for as long as I can remember. It's this feeling like suddenly bursting into flames.. I lose the ability to find words and think rationally.. I shake uncontrollably.. I hate everyone and everything around me, and the only source of relief my brain can fathom at the time is through hurting someone or something.. It's as if satisfying this urge would almost give me physical pleasure.. It's something I'm very ashamed to admit, but I'm putting it out here because I'm sort of at a loss as to how to deal with it. I redirect it at inanimate objects mostly, but in this case (and many times in the past as well) I turned on myself. My other impulse was to rip every strand of hair out of my scalp, but I fortunately didn't act upon it.
This past week has been terrible as far as all that goes.. I seem to go from neutral to near-psychotic fury at a word. It's made it really difficult to do both my job and the comic, but what I hate the most is how it affects Rob and Cat. They said that recently, they've been dreading what kind of mood I'd come home in... It hurts to hear it, but I can't blame them one bit for thinking it. We're all still suspicious that it may be the Depo Provera that's caused this spike in volatility. I have been having hot flashes and other PMS-like symptoms.. Well, May 22nd is when I'm due for the next shot.. But I think these three months have been quite enough for the lot of us.
Oh, and I tried to drink some Cranberry juice today to cleanse my system, but puked it all up a half an hour later. Go me.
Needless to say, I've been having problems with anger lately.. Well, I've always had very occasional attacks of rage for as long as I can remember. It's this feeling like suddenly bursting into flames.. I lose the ability to find words and think rationally.. I shake uncontrollably.. I hate everyone and everything around me, and the only source of relief my brain can fathom at the time is through hurting someone or something.. It's as if satisfying this urge would almost give me physical pleasure.. It's something I'm very ashamed to admit, but I'm putting it out here because I'm sort of at a loss as to how to deal with it. I redirect it at inanimate objects mostly, but in this case (and many times in the past as well) I turned on myself. My other impulse was to rip every strand of hair out of my scalp, but I fortunately didn't act upon it.
This past week has been terrible as far as all that goes.. I seem to go from neutral to near-psychotic fury at a word. It's made it really difficult to do both my job and the comic, but what I hate the most is how it affects Rob and Cat. They said that recently, they've been dreading what kind of mood I'd come home in... It hurts to hear it, but I can't blame them one bit for thinking it. We're all still suspicious that it may be the Depo Provera that's caused this spike in volatility. I have been having hot flashes and other PMS-like symptoms.. Well, May 22nd is when I'm due for the next shot.. But I think these three months have been quite enough for the lot of us.
Oh, and I tried to drink some Cranberry juice today to cleanse my system, but puked it all up a half an hour later. Go me.