Ha. I'm loving how they try to suggest appropriate titles before I've even entered anything.
Whoops, it's been a while.
First: RockstarBaby is adorable, and doing just fine, thank you for asking (and I know you will because I'm just that psychic). For those who haven't had a chance to see, photos of RockstarBaby are available here.
It's a bit trite to say that having a baby is transformative -- I mean, it's one of those perfectly obvious things that you know going in. But what everyone emphasizes (and I think it's stupid, by the way) is how much hard work it is, and how you stop having time for yourself, and how much you have to sacrifice, and basically, how miserable it is and how it forces you to give up everything you care about, but it's fun so it makes up for it all somehow.
Seriously?! Dude, people are doin' it RONG.
Babies are FUN, and RockstarBaby is an easy baby, which doesn't hurt. I actually do have a lot of sympathy for people who have fussy babies, or life circumstances that make raising a kid harder than it is for us right now. We waited until we were well and truly ready, and we put a lot of structures in place, and we have lots of local support, and we earn a decent income -- all of those are priviliges that I realize not everybody has. But man, people could really lay off on the deterrants and that would be seriously okay. Because babies are FUN, first, last, and awesome. Boy does that get lost in all the warnings.
Babies are also surprisingly useful in ways I didn't expect.
I didn't expect, when I got pregnant, that I would become quite as introverted as I did, or revert to such a reserved state. And I'll be undoing that a bit, now that we're on the other side of all the planning -- I swear, it was almost as bad as planning my wedding, in terms of things that had to be done, just so, by no later than. But you know, the thing I really appreciate about having taken that step back from people who were influencing me? I really got to enjoy being around only people who enjoy me enough to actively seek me out. I got to appreciate not ever being treated with contempt, and not having to deal with people trying to start drama, or spreading nasty rumours about me, or telling me about the nasty rumours other people were spreading about me. I got to feel what it was like to be supported by the people around me, instead of being constantly forced into the company of people who treat me badly and then being roundly criticized for not pretending that "it's okay, because it's X doing it, and X is a friend." I got to experience what it was like to be able to make mistakes, get called on them, and resolve the problem civilly, without hard feelings or accusations of bad faith. And I got to experience what it was like to call someone on something and have them respond respectfully, instead of refusing to acknowledge any problem, or making the problem all about my personal failings.
You know what? I really like that. I like being around kind people, and not spending time around people who aren't nice to me. And now that I've reaffirmed it's possible, I'm not going back. I'm ending my previous open policy, and people who are unpleasant are no longer welcome in my home or at my events. Because really? I don't deserve contempt or suspicion or for people to feel like it's okay to try to take me down a peg to compensate for their own insecurity. I'm done with it. My friends don't deserve that either. I'm done with it on their behalf.
That's not about the baby, you say? Sure it's not, but it would have taken me a lot longer to come to that realization if I hadn't taken that break -- if I were still mired in the midst of all that drama, and expecations, and the constant social drone of influencing people and being influenced by them.
Likewise, the benefit of being home full time for several months has been the realization that yes, if I were a full-time homemaker, I would, in fact, be able to maintain a perfect home, and it is not a deficiency on my part that I fell behind while dealing with a full time job, overlapping crises, and trying to maintain a clean home despite multiple other residents who mostly, frankly, did not care if the house was as clean as I prefer to have it be or who did not have the ability to contribute at an equal level. If I were willing to sacrifice all my free time and other pursuits, I could even probably even keep a model home while holding down a full-time job. But it's a damned lot of work, and while I'm working on establishing some processes and routines to address some of the workload, I'm also letting go of a lot of the frustration I was feeling about not having a model home. Because seriously? I am way more interesting and important than whether my floor is perfectly swept. And if I can be tolerant of other people's lapses, I think it's only fair to apply the same standard to myself.
That all does, by the way, mean that people can goddamn well stop riding me about my goddamned home. I do not come into your space and criticize you -- any of you, for anything, no matter how different your style is from my own. I have tried like hell to be supportive of what y'all are struggling with, when I think I have anything to offer. I would honestly like to see some reciprocal support and tolerance. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to request. This is a thing that has been pissing me off for YEARS. I am letting you know now -- stop it. It isn't cute, clever, funny, helpful, or in any other way positive. It damages our friendship, every time you go there.
And I guess, besides the obvious benefit of Adorable!Rockstar!Baby!, that that is the major benefit I gained from all of this -- the fact that, given time to reflect, given space to not have to deal with everyone else's constant crises and criticism, I no longer feel like I need to apologize for being truely myself. I no longer feel like I need to pander to people who, in retrospect, clearly neither like nor respect me. Think about what that means, about the health of our social group, folks. Think about it, and ask yourselves if that's really okay with you, or if there's something we, as a group, should be doing to help address that kind of damage, because I doubt I'm the only person who finds that kind of hyper-critical and unsupportive environment stressful and unenjoyable.
But think fast, because I'm looking in other directions. I'm becoming convinced that the Davis LARP community is irredeemably toxic. I have more fun almost anywhere else -- even cleaning my own house.
Lately, I've taken up yoga, at the Yoga Seed Collective. It's awesome, though not quite as awesome as Rockstar!Baby! Right now, I'm attending the LGBT sessions on Tuesdays, with my Babybro's Vibrantly Feminist Girlfriend. I'm also trying to figure out how I can reasonably work in more activism, because I miss having that in my life, and I enjoy it when I create the space for it. And because it's important, and I'm good at it.
I'm happy. And relaxed. I am really enjoying myself, even though I will enjoy going back to work in January. And in case I haven't yet made it perfectly clear, Rockstar!Baby! is an absolute delight, as is my Fabulous Husband.
I plan to hang on to that.
First: RockstarBaby is adorable, and doing just fine, thank you for asking (and I know you will because I'm just that psychic). For those who haven't had a chance to see, photos of RockstarBaby are available here.
It's a bit trite to say that having a baby is transformative -- I mean, it's one of those perfectly obvious things that you know going in. But what everyone emphasizes (and I think it's stupid, by the way) is how much hard work it is, and how you stop having time for yourself, and how much you have to sacrifice, and basically, how miserable it is and how it forces you to give up everything you care about, but it's fun so it makes up for it all somehow.
Seriously?! Dude, people are doin' it RONG.
Babies are FUN, and RockstarBaby is an easy baby, which doesn't hurt. I actually do have a lot of sympathy for people who have fussy babies, or life circumstances that make raising a kid harder than it is for us right now. We waited until we were well and truly ready, and we put a lot of structures in place, and we have lots of local support, and we earn a decent income -- all of those are priviliges that I realize not everybody has. But man, people could really lay off on the deterrants and that would be seriously okay. Because babies are FUN, first, last, and awesome. Boy does that get lost in all the warnings.
Babies are also surprisingly useful in ways I didn't expect.
I didn't expect, when I got pregnant, that I would become quite as introverted as I did, or revert to such a reserved state. And I'll be undoing that a bit, now that we're on the other side of all the planning -- I swear, it was almost as bad as planning my wedding, in terms of things that had to be done, just so, by no later than. But you know, the thing I really appreciate about having taken that step back from people who were influencing me? I really got to enjoy being around only people who enjoy me enough to actively seek me out. I got to appreciate not ever being treated with contempt, and not having to deal with people trying to start drama, or spreading nasty rumours about me, or telling me about the nasty rumours other people were spreading about me. I got to feel what it was like to be supported by the people around me, instead of being constantly forced into the company of people who treat me badly and then being roundly criticized for not pretending that "it's okay, because it's X doing it, and X is a friend." I got to experience what it was like to be able to make mistakes, get called on them, and resolve the problem civilly, without hard feelings or accusations of bad faith. And I got to experience what it was like to call someone on something and have them respond respectfully, instead of refusing to acknowledge any problem, or making the problem all about my personal failings.
You know what? I really like that. I like being around kind people, and not spending time around people who aren't nice to me. And now that I've reaffirmed it's possible, I'm not going back. I'm ending my previous open policy, and people who are unpleasant are no longer welcome in my home or at my events. Because really? I don't deserve contempt or suspicion or for people to feel like it's okay to try to take me down a peg to compensate for their own insecurity. I'm done with it. My friends don't deserve that either. I'm done with it on their behalf.
That's not about the baby, you say? Sure it's not, but it would have taken me a lot longer to come to that realization if I hadn't taken that break -- if I were still mired in the midst of all that drama, and expecations, and the constant social drone of influencing people and being influenced by them.
Likewise, the benefit of being home full time for several months has been the realization that yes, if I were a full-time homemaker, I would, in fact, be able to maintain a perfect home, and it is not a deficiency on my part that I fell behind while dealing with a full time job, overlapping crises, and trying to maintain a clean home despite multiple other residents who mostly, frankly, did not care if the house was as clean as I prefer to have it be or who did not have the ability to contribute at an equal level. If I were willing to sacrifice all my free time and other pursuits, I could even probably even keep a model home while holding down a full-time job. But it's a damned lot of work, and while I'm working on establishing some processes and routines to address some of the workload, I'm also letting go of a lot of the frustration I was feeling about not having a model home. Because seriously? I am way more interesting and important than whether my floor is perfectly swept. And if I can be tolerant of other people's lapses, I think it's only fair to apply the same standard to myself.
That all does, by the way, mean that people can goddamn well stop riding me about my goddamned home. I do not come into your space and criticize you -- any of you, for anything, no matter how different your style is from my own. I have tried like hell to be supportive of what y'all are struggling with, when I think I have anything to offer. I would honestly like to see some reciprocal support and tolerance. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to request. This is a thing that has been pissing me off for YEARS. I am letting you know now -- stop it. It isn't cute, clever, funny, helpful, or in any other way positive. It damages our friendship, every time you go there.
And I guess, besides the obvious benefit of Adorable!Rockstar!Baby!, that that is the major benefit I gained from all of this -- the fact that, given time to reflect, given space to not have to deal with everyone else's constant crises and criticism, I no longer feel like I need to apologize for being truely myself. I no longer feel like I need to pander to people who, in retrospect, clearly neither like nor respect me. Think about what that means, about the health of our social group, folks. Think about it, and ask yourselves if that's really okay with you, or if there's something we, as a group, should be doing to help address that kind of damage, because I doubt I'm the only person who finds that kind of hyper-critical and unsupportive environment stressful and unenjoyable.
But think fast, because I'm looking in other directions. I'm becoming convinced that the Davis LARP community is irredeemably toxic. I have more fun almost anywhere else -- even cleaning my own house.
Lately, I've taken up yoga, at the Yoga Seed Collective. It's awesome, though not quite as awesome as Rockstar!Baby! Right now, I'm attending the LGBT sessions on Tuesdays, with my Babybro's Vibrantly Feminist Girlfriend. I'm also trying to figure out how I can reasonably work in more activism, because I miss having that in my life, and I enjoy it when I create the space for it. And because it's important, and I'm good at it.
I'm happy. And relaxed. I am really enjoying myself, even though I will enjoy going back to work in January. And in case I haven't yet made it perfectly clear, Rockstar!Baby! is an absolute delight, as is my Fabulous Husband.
I plan to hang on to that.