Courage where are you?

[kelseeisfine]

My life has done a complete 180 in the last 8 months. I feel like I have driven all around the world in one big circle and ended up right back in the place that I started. How did I get here? Why am I back in this place that I never wanted to be again. Since the break up with Luke it seems like I have just had one rejection after another. The break was a hard enough rejection all on its on, everything else that followed was just a cruel joke. The break up almost completely wrecked my life. I felt like I was constantly being punished for something I didn't even do. I felt like I was just not good enough. That I was never going to be good enough. I didn't eat, I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted it to all go away. Finally when I was starting to get back on my feet after being completely beat down I just get beat down again. The last bit of hope and joy I had in my life (being my job) was just ripped away from me. Of all times to learn the "getting fired from a job lesson" this was not it. That job was probably the last thing keeping me from going completely out of my mind. Granted I was able to go back to waiting tables to make enough money to still pay the bills. I just always said I was NEVER going to do that again. So I went from having my life completely figured out (or at least I thought I did) to being right back in the same position I was in a year and a half ago. I am STILL not back in school, waiting tables, and this time I am LONELY! How did I get back here? I get up everyday for work and put on that ugly, stained, stone washed jean shirt and want to just throw up. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful to be working. There are many people that do not have a job and need one. I am thankful for that. I just already went through this. I feel like I am on that movie Groundhog day where the guy wakes up everyday and its still the same day. That's how my life is. Nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing to look forward to. I dont like that at all. I know that I am still young and I still have the rest of my life ahead of me. Its just hard to be optimistic when all I have had in the last 8 months are disappointment after disappointment. I know that everything happens for a reason. There is a lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this. I just wish we could hurry and get to some kind of point and move on. Maybe that's why I am back here. I was supposed to learn something and didn't and this is Gods soap opera way of trying 1 more time for me to catch on. I really don't know about anything anymore. I don't trust my gut feelings anymore. I am always afraid lately. Afraid of opening up, afraid of getting let down, and just afraid in general. I want to make something great of myself. I do, I want to be successful and proud of my life. I just dont even know where to begin to do that now. Its exhausting, mentally and physically. I guess though when you are knocked as far down as I am the only place you can go is up.......then again there is always gravity waiting to pull you right back down.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.