(no subject)
So I obviously need medication.
Okay maybe it's only obvious to me and a few other people who know me really well but I do, lets just fact it I do, I really do. I am that percentage of women that are depressed, big deal there are thousands of us (statistics claim). I'm not embarassed or even upset at the fact that I'm so upset that I need meds I'm just accepting that I do. I am depressed. I'm not sad either. That everclear song that I sang as a precurser to this went "you are narotic and depressed it doesnt mean that you are sad" That line is true too. It makes so much sense to me.
Thinking about my life right now and rating it on a scale from 1-10 I can logically rate it about a 7ish. I am not sad. However at least one point of every day I...
feel uncontrollably or overwhelmingly depressed (usually set off by something small)
have trouble concentrating
have no interest in hanging out with people
have no interest in doing anything I enjoy
am unhappy with the way i look
am exhausted
plauged with hoplessness
unstopable crying
Its exhausting in itself because during these episodes where I feel this way absolutly nothing can rid me of the emotional kaos I experience. Then, afterwards I regret how I felt and how unrationally upset I was and I usually
regret wasting whole nights or days stuck in the depression funk and therefore spend the time that I'm not feeling dperessed feeling upset or angry that I wasted so much time when I was feeling so god damn depressed. WHOO
I hate it. I just got over an episode. I just spent the past 5 hours terribly upset. Set off by something Matty did that shouldn't have been such a big deal to me.
I think the worst part is I know how much of an incredible waste of time and life depression is. There are so many things I could be doing and so many people I could be spending time with if I wasn't always tied down with being randomly depressed. Yes, I feel it is very random. I mean yeah, I went through some tough shit when I was young but why am I depressed NOW?
I have a lot going for me!!!!!!
Laitly though Iv been trying to just ignore it. I don't have the means to see a pshycologist so I cant get meds =(
So I've been just trying to ignore it. I tryed that last night and it worked. I felt beyond terrible but I forced myself to hang out with 2 people, 1 of which I would sooner give up my right arm then to miss a chance spending time with I cared about him so much and another one who is the only human being i have one hundred percent adored since our first meaningful interaction and now...I have to force myself to hang out with them? Well anyways I did and I had one of the best nights i've had in a long time. We rented a movie and all got in my bed and watched a very fucking depressing but very fucking good movie "21 grams." It was everything to just relax and be close to those two people, especially the one. I know i need to just force myself to do things more. Sometime's ignoring the problem is the only thing you can do until it goes away. Its hard though.
Tonight I dwelled in it until I finally forced myself to play raquet ball and go swimming and now I feel fine. I should have just gone out right when I felt it starting though. I think thats the key, if I can distract myself asap then i have a good chance of moving on with the day. If I dwell in it, it takes a lot more and most times isn't better until the next day.
Are you exhausted by just reading this? I haven't written anything in 8 months either. That's probobly the worst of it. I've got a really good book idea and some good ideas on how to research for it but I just can't stay concentrated or motivated.
ugh mcugh
I will get through this.