(no subject)
The last time I've posted to this was more than a year ago. I couldn't get past two pages without feeling like crying or dying. Nostalgia is the worst. So is deciding to become uninterested in things. To be more clear, there was a point in time when I thought it was a good idea to stop reading books, being interested in things, and having an opinion. What suffered is my reflexivity, my sense of self, my entire personality. My posts had this weird poetics to them, and though not necessarily insightful, they reflect an aspect of myself that I can't see, or just doesn't exist anymore. I feel like regardless of where I am, I will always be wanting something different. Right now, I have a friend who I think is dumb as rocks. She has the most irritating web and irl presence and I can't figure out how to be friends with my friends and not her without hurting her feelings. So what I'm saying is, I don't want to be friends with some of the friends that I have now, but I care so much about whether or not they're happy still, that I'm suffering from it in a way I haven't even recognized until now.
I guess the other thing that got me started on this is the fact that a friend I had in high school deleted me on facebook. While, yes, it is a meaningless thing, and many people have deleted me without recognition or consequence on my part, the fact that it is a deliberate act says something about how he feels about me. So I got to thinking about everything that happened in high school and holy shit I am getting so depressed. If anyone is reading this, I miss you so much. I feel like no one knows me and the people I liked the most don't even care if I exist anymore. Everyone is growing up and moving away and dating people and all I want is to be silly as fuck and hang out with the people I miss and stop time for just one god damned second.
I have so much to say, I couldn't possibly do it all in one post.
I guess, mostly, the fact that I decided to become a non-person without a personality has taken a serious toll on me. I have been dealing with some intense social anxiety that NEVER existed before. I feel like I'm constantly betraying myself. Again though, people have changed besides myself, and the last time I went home I was doing some heavy shit with the same people I would never have expected to be doing those things. I have only ever wanted one thing in the past 6 years and I don't think it will ever happen. Ever.
I got fired recently for being scatterbrained, and I feel that now. I'm so overwhelmed. This is fucking wild. Where has my vocabulary gone, too? I think I need to get out of Gainesville (hilarious considering my earlier posts about NEEDING to get out of Orlando). I'm afraid, though, that if I go back I will feel isolated. It's strange to me that I don't feel isolated here, lately. Maybe I'm trying to be depressed. Is that a thing? Because I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I'm this vibrant, social, intelligent, and goofy person that I once was. Gainesville is an incestuous hole of vain and self-important pseudo artists and it makes me want to die. Everyone here is escaping the person they once were, and can relate because their new personalities are similar, or because there is an unspoken recognition of the people we all used to be. I just want to go home four years ago. Can I do that? Can I get back in brand new used cars and drive to theme parks and beaches and not feel like being drunk is the only way to be real? Can I go back to that time I heard a "woohoo" from a red car that ended up destroying me for two years? Can I go back to sitting on the bench at lunch taking polaroids of everyone I loved more than they probably even liked me? Can I go back to being naive and loud and opinionated and oh my god this is just too much. Suddenly I am flooded with exactly what I thought I had been missing.
Maybe I just need to write. God, I remember writing so much, notebooks full. I bet they're still at home. At least I hope. I bet I couldn't get through reading them without wanting to hide in a corner forever.
That's enough. Night.
I guess the other thing that got me started on this is the fact that a friend I had in high school deleted me on facebook. While, yes, it is a meaningless thing, and many people have deleted me without recognition or consequence on my part, the fact that it is a deliberate act says something about how he feels about me. So I got to thinking about everything that happened in high school and holy shit I am getting so depressed. If anyone is reading this, I miss you so much. I feel like no one knows me and the people I liked the most don't even care if I exist anymore. Everyone is growing up and moving away and dating people and all I want is to be silly as fuck and hang out with the people I miss and stop time for just one god damned second.
I have so much to say, I couldn't possibly do it all in one post.
I guess, mostly, the fact that I decided to become a non-person without a personality has taken a serious toll on me. I have been dealing with some intense social anxiety that NEVER existed before. I feel like I'm constantly betraying myself. Again though, people have changed besides myself, and the last time I went home I was doing some heavy shit with the same people I would never have expected to be doing those things. I have only ever wanted one thing in the past 6 years and I don't think it will ever happen. Ever.
I got fired recently for being scatterbrained, and I feel that now. I'm so overwhelmed. This is fucking wild. Where has my vocabulary gone, too? I think I need to get out of Gainesville (hilarious considering my earlier posts about NEEDING to get out of Orlando). I'm afraid, though, that if I go back I will feel isolated. It's strange to me that I don't feel isolated here, lately. Maybe I'm trying to be depressed. Is that a thing? Because I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I'm this vibrant, social, intelligent, and goofy person that I once was. Gainesville is an incestuous hole of vain and self-important pseudo artists and it makes me want to die. Everyone here is escaping the person they once were, and can relate because their new personalities are similar, or because there is an unspoken recognition of the people we all used to be. I just want to go home four years ago. Can I do that? Can I get back in brand new used cars and drive to theme parks and beaches and not feel like being drunk is the only way to be real? Can I go back to that time I heard a "woohoo" from a red car that ended up destroying me for two years? Can I go back to sitting on the bench at lunch taking polaroids of everyone I loved more than they probably even liked me? Can I go back to being naive and loud and opinionated and oh my god this is just too much. Suddenly I am flooded with exactly what I thought I had been missing.
Maybe I just need to write. God, I remember writing so much, notebooks full. I bet they're still at home. At least I hope. I bet I couldn't get through reading them without wanting to hide in a corner forever.
That's enough. Night.