(no subject)
I'm really starting to feel like I'm not in control. That's the worst thing I could ever think to have happen. I want to go visit Dante and lay down on his grave and tell him how hard life is and how fun things were before I became an adult. I want to talk to Dante like he is God because it would be easier and he would listen. He saved me when I had nothing. When I was sleeping on the top of 14 story buildings in Little Rock afraid that someone would come and mug me in my sleep or I'd get thrown in jail, he saved me. So he'd listen to me. I'd ask him if he loved Jessi as much as I love Courtney and why I always felt like no matter how hard I tried I felt like I was losing her more everyday. I would want him to say something to her, I'd want him to tell her face to face all the things I do and all the good that lives in me and I'd want to feel like someone appreciated my heart for what it was.
And Dante would be Jesus and I would miss him and when I lay my worries on his grave he would listen and take them from me. But it would be real, not like this, because this is too hard. This feels so un-real at times that I feel like a crazy person. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. The last three days have been spent in solitude and today I had to pull every ounce of me together to not fall apart. And tonight when I mounted that high horse and rode to the party with a positive attitude with God in my heart and love in my eyes I died. Fell so hard from my high place in an instant and no one was there to understand. Not even Courtney understands me. No one does. So when I feel crazy, or when I feel sad, or lonely, I picture myself and the peace and anguish I felt laying upon Dante's grave and it's the only think that is keeping me from banging my head against the wall is to know that he proved to me that God is real. Even when I can't see clearly, God is real. Even when I let the world rule me and people shape me, God is real. Even when I let my anger out and punish others, God is real. God loves me and I'm so tired of having to explain that to people and explain why I'm this way, and even have to explain to my own girlfriend why I want to be this person above anything else.
I'm tired Deej, and I need strength. I need you ask God to help me because he doesn't quite get through to me right now. I miss you,
Love,
Johnathon.
And Dante would be Jesus and I would miss him and when I lay my worries on his grave he would listen and take them from me. But it would be real, not like this, because this is too hard. This feels so un-real at times that I feel like a crazy person. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. The last three days have been spent in solitude and today I had to pull every ounce of me together to not fall apart. And tonight when I mounted that high horse and rode to the party with a positive attitude with God in my heart and love in my eyes I died. Fell so hard from my high place in an instant and no one was there to understand. Not even Courtney understands me. No one does. So when I feel crazy, or when I feel sad, or lonely, I picture myself and the peace and anguish I felt laying upon Dante's grave and it's the only think that is keeping me from banging my head against the wall is to know that he proved to me that God is real. Even when I can't see clearly, God is real. Even when I let the world rule me and people shape me, God is real. Even when I let my anger out and punish others, God is real. God loves me and I'm so tired of having to explain that to people and explain why I'm this way, and even have to explain to my own girlfriend why I want to be this person above anything else.
I'm tired Deej, and I need strength. I need you ask God to help me because he doesn't quite get through to me right now. I miss you,
Love,
Johnathon.