(no subject)
I stopped looking for my bible a couple minutes ago. It's 1am...I left a friends birthday party and walked a little in the rain. I tried to dance but I was too sad. If there is one thing that I'm tired of it's being sad. I've been through a lot of heartache in my life but these past few months seem to take the cake over anything bad that has ever happened before all this. My counselor told me - "What would it look like if John were to just be before God and to quit doing for God." So I'm trying just as hard as I can to find out what it looks like for me to simply be and to quit everything else that isn't that.
I wish I would have found my bible. I wouldn't be typing any of this.
I've spent the last six months of my life letting go of a whole bulk load of stuff that has been my life for 25 years. Anger, jealousy, selfishness, pride...and now that I've over-loaded myself on fixing all of these things and I've pushed a good bit of them out of my life I've come to not know myself in the process.
Does that make sense? I've literally become a new person. The way I think, the way I speak, the way I deal with everything in some way has changed whether it be big or small. So now that I have a semi clean slate it's up to God and up to me to decide what happens to my life now that I've been washed clean of most of the bad. That's a huge responsibility in itself. It's overwhelming and it's scary and I'm going crazy trying to be perfect and to handle this new self with distinguished morals and actions. I've never felt so down on myself in all my life.
So I apologize if you are reading this and feeling a a bit weird about it. I feel crazy because of it too. If I could just figure out a way to weather the storm for now and wiggle my toes at night I just might cheer up soon and be myself again, whatever that even looks like anymore.
I know I'm not supposed to be afraid, but I am. I don't know what's in store for me and that scares the living crap out of me right now.
I wish I would have found my bible. I wouldn't be typing any of this.
I've spent the last six months of my life letting go of a whole bulk load of stuff that has been my life for 25 years. Anger, jealousy, selfishness, pride...and now that I've over-loaded myself on fixing all of these things and I've pushed a good bit of them out of my life I've come to not know myself in the process.
Does that make sense? I've literally become a new person. The way I think, the way I speak, the way I deal with everything in some way has changed whether it be big or small. So now that I have a semi clean slate it's up to God and up to me to decide what happens to my life now that I've been washed clean of most of the bad. That's a huge responsibility in itself. It's overwhelming and it's scary and I'm going crazy trying to be perfect and to handle this new self with distinguished morals and actions. I've never felt so down on myself in all my life.
So I apologize if you are reading this and feeling a a bit weird about it. I feel crazy because of it too. If I could just figure out a way to weather the storm for now and wiggle my toes at night I just might cheer up soon and be myself again, whatever that even looks like anymore.
I know I'm not supposed to be afraid, but I am. I don't know what's in store for me and that scares the living crap out of me right now.