(no subject)
I wish I had the right words to say sometimes, but I don't. I've been doing pretty bad lately. I don't even know what bad means anymore. I'm still alive aren't I? This isn't meant to be depressing either, I'm just trying to sum things up for you so I'll continue.. When it gets this cold outside, like today, I can't imagine being anything but miserable. I could be happy on the inside and still my body would writhe around in the wind. I went to return a movie for Courtney and when I got there, the video store was closed and I couldn't fathom how a video store could be closed at noon on a weekday. My head feels like egg yolk mixed so there will be no paragraph form today or any other form for that matter. Everything is turning into an out of body experience for me and it's really getting upsetting. I see flashes of them and then red, flashes of me, and then red. I want so badly to be free of this person that isn't who I am. I thought about going to a place alone today and praying for a while but it's too cold..it's just too damn cold. I make her bed in the mornings, I pick her up from school, I tell her I love her, I am patient, I am understanding, I feel useless. But that's not what I want to think about today. I need to find some place to go today that isn't here. I thought about not going to small group tonight and seeing how far I could just drive from town until I found peace but I know that there will be no such thing out there. I know the peace I need rests inside of me dormant and I just need to wake it up. The good things...let me talk about some good things to have you understand I'm not cracking up entirely.
No, nevermind. The good things will come soon.
No, nevermind. The good things will come soon.