I've Lost My Voice
Or perhaps Facebook took it. Too many industry folk I know. Too broad an audience. Too personal an audience that I've censored myself. I took my own voice away.
Speaking of losing things. I nearly had a nervous breakdown today. It isn't like I've not had near (or nearly complete) nervous breakdowns before but this one was far more vivid as it bore down upon me. Stress. Stress and a sequence of negative, heartbreaking events can cause that feeling of being bore down upon. The walls collapsing in at the same time they spread so far away from you that you feel as if you are being crushed and floating at the same time. Lost. I wandered as my perception, my focus drifted in and out.
I was absolutely petrified. I was frozen to the spot and wanted to scream and run and yet could manage neither for maturity has driven the understanding of consequence deeply in. Fuck consequence. Fuck responsibility. Give me a big ol bag over my back and let me wandering. Step away. Run away - you know, if I wasn't frozen.
It was a bad day. It started yesterday. Tho I can't say what caused it to manifest further this morning. Perhaps its that I'm mired in the most perplexing circumstances currently. Most frustrating circumstances. With the return being unfathomable at the stage I'm at. It was something I wanted but right now it just seems like a chore.
I'm not good at this. I'm very good at this. But neither one of those statements matter when being attacked by that there Nervous Breakdown.
I tried to breath deeply. I climbed up and down the stairs. I held my head in my hands. I tried to refocus. Much like I am focusing now. I attempted music. But the scent in the air and the voices that stormed through my headphones didn't help.
I don't do long term well. In fact, I flat out fail at it. Its as if the longer I stay still, stand in one place, put my feet up, dwell -- the more I get frightened. It is as if life catches up and I wouldn't know what to do with it when it arrived.
I'm getting old and yet I can't grow up.
Not that I have any idea what growing up means - haven't a damn clue. I mean, I manage to pay my rent. I manage to feed my cats. I manage to get up every morning and fall asleep at "a decent hour". I manage to not forgo my responsibilities too much. But I still can't imagine having a child. Having a husband. Those ideas are far too daunting and intense for me to wrap my mind around.
Hell, I'm still trying to learn how to make a friend.
I'm watching Burlesque and having multiple layered flashbacks of living in Los Angeles, working the door of a theatre, The Cable Car Theatre, in San Francisco and then working at the strip club in Washington DC. The oils of these memories are bleeding into each other.
Am I starting to go senile?
Speaking of losing things. I nearly had a nervous breakdown today. It isn't like I've not had near (or nearly complete) nervous breakdowns before but this one was far more vivid as it bore down upon me. Stress. Stress and a sequence of negative, heartbreaking events can cause that feeling of being bore down upon. The walls collapsing in at the same time they spread so far away from you that you feel as if you are being crushed and floating at the same time. Lost. I wandered as my perception, my focus drifted in and out.
I was absolutely petrified. I was frozen to the spot and wanted to scream and run and yet could manage neither for maturity has driven the understanding of consequence deeply in. Fuck consequence. Fuck responsibility. Give me a big ol bag over my back and let me wandering. Step away. Run away - you know, if I wasn't frozen.
It was a bad day. It started yesterday. Tho I can't say what caused it to manifest further this morning. Perhaps its that I'm mired in the most perplexing circumstances currently. Most frustrating circumstances. With the return being unfathomable at the stage I'm at. It was something I wanted but right now it just seems like a chore.
I'm not good at this. I'm very good at this. But neither one of those statements matter when being attacked by that there Nervous Breakdown.
I tried to breath deeply. I climbed up and down the stairs. I held my head in my hands. I tried to refocus. Much like I am focusing now. I attempted music. But the scent in the air and the voices that stormed through my headphones didn't help.
I don't do long term well. In fact, I flat out fail at it. Its as if the longer I stay still, stand in one place, put my feet up, dwell -- the more I get frightened. It is as if life catches up and I wouldn't know what to do with it when it arrived.
I'm getting old and yet I can't grow up.
Not that I have any idea what growing up means - haven't a damn clue. I mean, I manage to pay my rent. I manage to feed my cats. I manage to get up every morning and fall asleep at "a decent hour". I manage to not forgo my responsibilities too much. But I still can't imagine having a child. Having a husband. Those ideas are far too daunting and intense for me to wrap my mind around.
Hell, I'm still trying to learn how to make a friend.
I'm watching Burlesque and having multiple layered flashbacks of living in Los Angeles, working the door of a theatre, The Cable Car Theatre, in San Francisco and then working at the strip club in Washington DC. The oils of these memories are bleeding into each other.
Am I starting to go senile?