So. Here's the Thing
I'm high maintenance.
Seriously.
I'm seriously high maintenance.
You know. There has shit I've gone through _by myself_ that would have crippled another person. Tho, as I pause for a moment now -- perhaps it did cripple me. Just differently.
So there you have it. I'm high maintenance and I'm crippled. Emotionally. Severely.
In some ways it is my own damn fault. In others I blame, well, others. I also blame myself. For I decided to allow those "others" to have power over me. I allowed them to damn me. I damned myself and used them as my weapon.
Today I was near tears. Out of the blue. Totally near tears. In fact my eyes swelled. You know why? I didn't get what I thought I deserved. I didn't get something totally small. Something that was probably not overlooked intentionally. Something that, logically, I get plenty of from many a source. Something that I made to mean so much to me that it drove me to near tears.
I am drama.
I require that immediate surge to mean something in that very moment that I react to with incredible emotion.
React.
I allow them control over me.
Where is my control over me? Once they have me... I lose it.
Certainly, I regain it. After a period of time. But in that sharp and sudden moment I give them me. And they don't even know. They have no idea. They can't read my mind despite my personal insistence that they should.
You see. I would do things quite differently. I would give quite differently and I would take quite differently.
I am in a state of massive mad flux and incredible confusion. Change is coming rapidly and decisions and chess moves are swift and I see myself slamming my hand down on the clock next to the board not absolutely certain that I've made the correct position change. Move. *slam* Move. *slam* Check! *slam* And I fear, I really really fear that I'm going to make a series of sudden moves and find myself Check-mated. Find myself staring at the board aghast wondering how the hell I got here... again.
I try and slow it down. I tap on the brake and find myself slammed forward as I hit it too hard and react with a press on the gas only to speed up again.
I am out of control.
I am out of control and I'm high maintenance and I'm really emotional.
And I don't know what the hell to do about it.
Seriously.
I'm seriously high maintenance.
You know. There has shit I've gone through _by myself_ that would have crippled another person. Tho, as I pause for a moment now -- perhaps it did cripple me. Just differently.
So there you have it. I'm high maintenance and I'm crippled. Emotionally. Severely.
In some ways it is my own damn fault. In others I blame, well, others. I also blame myself. For I decided to allow those "others" to have power over me. I allowed them to damn me. I damned myself and used them as my weapon.
Today I was near tears. Out of the blue. Totally near tears. In fact my eyes swelled. You know why? I didn't get what I thought I deserved. I didn't get something totally small. Something that was probably not overlooked intentionally. Something that, logically, I get plenty of from many a source. Something that I made to mean so much to me that it drove me to near tears.
I am drama.
I require that immediate surge to mean something in that very moment that I react to with incredible emotion.
React.
I allow them control over me.
Where is my control over me? Once they have me... I lose it.
Certainly, I regain it. After a period of time. But in that sharp and sudden moment I give them me. And they don't even know. They have no idea. They can't read my mind despite my personal insistence that they should.
You see. I would do things quite differently. I would give quite differently and I would take quite differently.
I am in a state of massive mad flux and incredible confusion. Change is coming rapidly and decisions and chess moves are swift and I see myself slamming my hand down on the clock next to the board not absolutely certain that I've made the correct position change. Move. *slam* Move. *slam* Check! *slam* And I fear, I really really fear that I'm going to make a series of sudden moves and find myself Check-mated. Find myself staring at the board aghast wondering how the hell I got here... again.
I try and slow it down. I tap on the brake and find myself slammed forward as I hit it too hard and react with a press on the gas only to speed up again.
I am out of control.
I am out of control and I'm high maintenance and I'm really emotional.
And I don't know what the hell to do about it.