damn estrogen
good day at the ballpark. Ozzie Smith (mlb hall of famer) was at the game signing autographs so that was exciting. my dad got him to sign a ball so yay for us! i even got to shake his hand when he left b/c we were handing out yogurt. i made sure he got two.. hehe. he was super nice and was eating this HUGE thing of vanilla ice cream.. lol! christina was busy with a silent auction so i got to do her mini duty. i got to run onto the field during the game to get the "go missions" sign after the mascots did a little thing. other than that i just sat with jenny and matt for the game until it was time to hand out free yogurt as people left. those 4 hours sure did go by fast b/c i was running all around trying to get pizza, talking with jen and matt, and then my parents and then actually working. but it was fun. the only bad thing about work was that something really bothered me before i left for work but b/c i was so busy i had forgotten about this thing. but i was sitting with jen and matt having a fun time without a thought in my mind until i hear this guy next to us (pretty cute too) said something that i always associate with this thing that bothered me. i mean i had just sat down to relax for a few minutes and then i heard what the guy said and i just sunk into my seat. it wasn't enough to mention that one thing, but they kept talking about it and even said something that made me think of it further.. ugh..
i know a big part of this is my estrogen rollercoaster (as ashlee calls it) but i'm just down about it. i know it'll pass but i hate it when people try to act like someone they're not.. to be cool and try to impress other people. at first i thought that is what bothered me, but then i realized on my way home from work that it's not that. it's the fear that i'm not good enough or not worthy of their time and the realization that i will never mean as much to this person as they mean to me. no matter how much i try or want to be. i've accepted a lot these last few months and have done much better than i thought. this is my next task and with time and will, i will be able to accept this one head on as well.
call it a change of heart or another epiphany, but my rant will end right here. even though it doesn't get expressed, i know i am loved and that is enough. i can't keep letting my insecurities and fear take over me as it has today. i am stronger than this. i have to be.