Henry V - the short version
I'm going to give you a shortened rendition of the story of Henry V by William Shakespeare, but before I embark on my telling, I thought I'd start with a reminder that this play is based on (but not necessarily representative of) actual history. Because Shakespeare lived in Europe, "where all the history comes from." (Bonus points to those of you who spotted that as an Eddie Izzard quote without me telling you.) King Henry V died in 1422, 142 years before Shakespeare was born: that's nearly 600 years ago, folks, long before any Europeans came to settle in North America.
This play is not the Bard's invention, neither is it an entirely dependable or faithful account of the life and actions of King Henry V. The character of the young Henry V (a.k.a. "Prince Hal") had already been introduced to Shakespeare's audiences in the earlier plays (Richard II, Henry IV, part 1 & Henry IV, part 2) as a wild, unprincipled young man who consorted with lowlifes, including Sir John Falstaff, so popular in the Henry IV plays that rumor has it that Queen Elizabeth I requested a play about Falstaff in love, resulting in The Merry Wives of Windsor.
My summary of the play is even less representative of the actual history of the man, being, after all, my version of the story of the play, which is Shakespeare's version of part of the life of Henry V. Shakespeare wisely focuses only on one part of the king's life - his quest to regain lands in France to which he had a claim, since he didn't have much that made him admirable, really. He relied on the chronicles written by a Catholic monk named Raphael Hollinshead as his primary source for this and others of his histories.
The play is written in five Acts, each of which comes with its own prologue. Each prologue is pronounced by a person known as the Chorus. In his first appearance, he explains to the audience that battles can't be well-reproduced on a stage, and apologizes in advance that truly great men are being played by mere actors. In his later performances, he moves the action along with swift summaries.
Here's my go at Henry V, for those of you unfamiliar with the play. I'll be including some of my favorite quotes from the play - they will be in quotation marks or block quotes. You will notice that I'm a HUGE fan of the love scene in Act V, scene 2:
ACT I
Prologue
Chorus
So, um, I hope you'll all use your imaginations here, since we're kinda limited in showing you what a battle really looks like and all. Also, we'll be pretending to be actual royalty and nobles, for which we mean no disrespect and beg your pardon.
Admit me Chorus to this history;
Who prologue-like your humble patience pray,
Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play.
Scene 1
Archbishop of Canterbury
I've got a good idea. How 'bout we talk the king into reclaiming part of France? He's dipping into our coffers too much.
Bishop of Ely
That is a good idea.
Scene 2
Henry V
Do I have a fair claim on these lands in France or what?
Archbishop of Canterbury
Once upon a time, and ancestry and archaic law, and so forth, and furthermore, and to come to a conclusion, yes. Probably. If viewed while squinting and out of the corner of one's eye.
Henry's uncle, the Duke of Exeter
Ahahaha. Let's do it!
*Enter Ambassador from France*
Henry V
Welcome to England. I hear you work for the Dauphin.
Ambassador
Yep. He sends you this gift of tennis balls, and bids you kiss his ass.
Henry V
Right. Tell him my balls are bigger.
We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us;
His present and your pains we thank you for:
When we have matched our rackets to these balls,
We will, in France, by God's grace, play a set
Shall strike his father's crown into the hazard.
*Exit Ambassador*
Exeter
Nice message. Ahahaha!
Henry V
That should piss off the Dauphin. Let's go to France!
Act II
Prologue
Chorus
So, time's gone by and England's set for war. Men are coming from all over the country to join the army and see the world. The French are worried. And by the way, three guys who the king trusts have been paid by the French to kill the king.
Scene 1: in London
We meet some lowlife scum who used to pal around with the king when he was a lad; these comic characters would have been well-known to audiences from the two Henry IV plays. They talk about how Falstaff is broken-hearted that the king doesn't hang with him any more, and is now sick. Roll call:
Corporal Nym: introduced in The Merry Wives of Windsor; a coward and a thief
Lieutenant Bardolph: introduced in the Henry IV plays; a coward and a thief
Pistol: Now married to Mistress Quickly and keeper of the whorehouse; introduced in the Henry IV plays; a drunkard, fighter, coward and thief
Mistress Quickly: The bawd; married to Pistol and fond of Sir John Falstaff
The Boy: In service to Falstaff
Scene 2: In Southampton
Exeter, Bedford (King Henry's brother) and Westmoreland discuss the three guys who have plotted to kill the king.
*Enter three guys who want to kill the king*
Henry V
I decided to let this guy who did something relatively minor out of jail. Good idea?
Three guys
Nah. You should kill him. You know, make him an example.
Henry V
Then what should I do with three guys who want to kill me?
Three guys
O_o
Exeter
You're all under arrest for high treason. Ahahaha!
Henry V
Bygones. No offense guys, but you gots to die.
Scene 3: In London
Mistress Quickly
Falstaff's dead. He died while wanking.
Boy
He once said that women were the devil incarnate.
Mistress Quickly
He never did like the color carnation. Ba dump bump.
Nym
Gotta jet.
Pistol
"Let us to France; like horse-leeches, my boys,/To suck, to suck, the very blood to suck!" See ya, honey. Make sure our hookers get their cash up front. Kiss kiss.
Scene 4: France, the King's palace
King of France
I'm worried about the English. We'd better prepare for a massive fight.
Dauphin
Nah. It'll be a piece of cake.
Constable of France
I think it's gonna be tough going, Dauphin.
King of France
Damn straight. He's descended from Edward, "Black Prince of Wales"
*Enter Exeter*
King of France
Welcome to France.
Exeter
King Henry says hand over the crown and nobody gets hurt.
King
I'll think about it and get back to you tomorrow. Anything else?
Exeter
Unless the Dauphin's here?
Dauphin
I represent the Dauphin.
Exeter
To you, King Henry sends nothing but scorn and dislike, and says that he'll piss in your ear, more or less. Ahahaha! I'm out.
King of France TTYL.
Act III
Prologue
Chorus
So imagine that everyone sailed for France. Exeter returned with an offer from the king: Henry could have some land and marry Princess Katharine. Henry said no, of course, and is now ready to assail Harfleur, which is under seige.
Scene 1: France, outside Harfleur
Henry V
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
Or close the wall up with our English dead!
. . .
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot.
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry "God for Harry, England, and Saint George!"
Scene 2: Same setting
Bardolph, Nym and Pistol don't want to fight because they might get killed. Fluellen (a Welshman) urges them ahead.
The Boy
Those guys are bounders and thieves. Time for me to part company with them. "Their villany goes against my weak stomach, and therefore I must cast it up."
Fluellen, the Welshman, gets into a heated discussion with Captain Macmorris, an Irishman, and Captain Jamy, a Scotsman. The dialogue is written using heavy accents. Probably this was hilarious back in the day, since nowadays it seems to serve little purpose, really, and is therefore frequently cut from stage productions.
Scene 3: Same setting
Henry V
Look, surrender or I'll let my men loose inside your city to rape your daughters and crush the skulls of your old men. What say you?
Governor of Harfleur
Welcome to Harfleur!
Henry V
I'm putting you in charge, uncle Exeter.
Exeter
Ahahaha!
Scene 4: the palace of the French King
Katharine
Tu parles Anglais, oui?
Alice
Ou, un peu.
Katharine
Comment appelez-vous la main?
Alice
De hand.
Katharine
Have you noticed that our entire scene consists of words that have a second, extraordinarily dirty meaning to Elizabethan audiences?
Alice
I have. Look at them laughing.
Katharine
I shouldn't say these dirty words. Let me repeat them all at least twice more.
Alice
"Excellent, madame!"
Scene 5: Still in the palace
King of France
He's crossed the Somme.
Duke of Bourbon
"Normans, but bastard Normans, Norman bastards!"
Constable
WTF? Don't they come from a rainy, foggy, cold island?
Dauphin
Our French women think they're hot.
King
Get me Montjoy, the herald, double-quick! All you princes go fight. Except you, Dauphin. You stay here.
Dauphin
But Dad . . . !
Scene 6: English camp in Picardy
Fluellen
Hey, I'm back from the bridge. Exeter is fine, and says "Ahahaha!" But Bardolph got caught stealing from a church, so he's gotta hang for it.
Pistol
Seriously?
Fluellen
Yes. (Repeats this message to Henry V)
Henry V
String 'im up. No stealing from the French.
*Enter Montjoy, the French herald*
Montjoy
Hail, King of England! The King of France says "Though we seemed dead, we did but sleep: advantage is a better soldier than rashness." Also, he asks what ransom will you pay for yourself, now that you've gone and pissed us off? And by "us", I mean "him".
Henry V
You do a fine job as herald. Here's a tip for you. Now go back and tell your master to bite me.
Montjoy
Thanks. Will do.
*Montjoy exits*
Duke of Gloucester
Crap.
Henry V
Rest up, we're marching tomorrow.
Scene 7: French camp near Agincourt
Constable
I've got the best armor in France.
Orleans
I've got the best horse.
Dauphin
My horse is better than your horse. Let me wax rhapsodic about my horse.
Constable
Sounds to me like you really love your horse. I prefer women.
Dauphin
You ride what you like, I like to ride my horse. *swishes out*
Orleans
The Dauphin's an okay guy.
Constable
If you say so. I think he's a pussy.
Orleans
"Ill will never said well."
Constable
I will cap that proverb with "There is flattery in friendship."
Orleans
And I will take up that with "Give the devil his due."
Constable
Well placed: there stands your friend for the devil: have at the very eye of that proverb with "A pox of the devil."
Orleans
You are the better at proverbs, by how much "A fool's bolt is soon shot."
Constable
You have shot over.
Orleans
'Tis not the first time you were overshot.
*Enter messenger*
Messenger
Dudes, the English are really close by. Just so you know.
Act IV
Prologue
Chorus
Time is ticking. The dark hours of night go by. The French are smug and certain they will win. Meanwhile, back on the English side, Henry's wandering around to encourage his men.
Scene 1: the English camp at Agincourt
Henry V
Well, Gloucester and Bedford, this is a mess.
*Enter Erpingham*
Henry V
You're old - you should be home with a pillow.
Erpingham
Nah - this way I get to say my lodgings are as good as the King's!
Henry V
Leave me alone, I feel a soliloquy coming on.
*Exit all by Henry*
Henry V
What a cheerful old guy.
*Enter Pistol*
Pistol
Who are you?
Henry
A gentleman. You can call me Harry Le Roy. [KRF: Dear Wm: I c what u did thar!]
Pistol
Later.
*Pistol leaves, Fluellen and Gower enter*
Gower
Fluellen!
Fluellen
Keep it down!
Gower
But the French are loud!
Fluellen
"If the enemy is an ass and a fool and a prating coxcomb, is it meet, think you, that we should also, look you, be an ass and a fool and a prating coxcomb? in your own conscience, now?"
Gower
Good point. I'll keep it down.
*Exit Fluellen and Gower*
Henry V
I like that Welshman.
*Enter three soldiers*
Henry V
I'm just a guy, like you. I serve Erpingham.
Bates
Think someone should tell the king things look bad?
Henry V
I'm pretty sure he knows that.
Discussion about whether the king has any right to lead men into battle, and whether, if they die, their deaths hang on his conscience.
Henry V
"Every subject's duty is the king's; but every subject's soul is his own."
Williams
The king might ransom himself once we're all dead.
Henry V
Dude, I should fight you for that.
*Williams and Henry trade gloves, to pick a fight if they both survive the battle*
*Exit three soldiers*
Henry V
Finally, my soliloquy! Being a king is hard!
*Enter Erpingham*
Erpingham
Everyone's looking for you.
*Exits again*
Henry V
O God of battles! steel my soldiers' hearts;
Possess them not with fear; take from them now
The sense of reckoning, if the opposed numbers
Pluck their hearts from them. Not to-day, O Lord,
O, not to-day, think not upon the fault
My father made in compassing the crown!
Scene 2: The French camp
French lords
Let's do this!
Scene 3: The English camp
Westmoreland
I wish we had more men.
Henry V
*Gives the St. Crispin's day speech*
Westmoreland and others
Let's do this!
Exeter
Ahahaha!
*Enter Montjoy*
Montjoy
Last chance for ransom, King Harry!
Henry V
Once again, tell them to bite me!
Montjoy
"I shall, King Harry. And so fare thee well:/Thou never shalt hear herald any more."
*Exit Montjoy*
Henry V
Bet he comes again.
York
Permission to lead the charge?
Henry V
Let's do this!
Scene 4: Battlefield
Pistol encounters a French soldier. Using horrible French of his own and the excellent French of the Boy, he bargains with the Frenchman, and lets him go for 1,000 gold crowns. The Boy worries that only boys like himself are left to guard the equipment, so the French could easily come steal their stuff.
Scene 5: Another part of the field
Constable
Crap!
Orleans
"O seigneur! le jour est perdu, tout est perdu!"
Dauphin
What an ass-whipping!
Bourbon
Eternal shame! Let's die with honor!
Scene 6: Another part of the field
Henry V
We've done well, but the French still hold the field.
Exeter
York and Suffolk are both dead. It made me cry real tears.
Henry V
Damn. Looks like the French are rallying. Kill the prisoners.
Scene 7: Another part of the field
Fluellen
The damn French killed the boys. That's a violation of the code of honor.
Gower
They burned down the king's tent, too.
Fluellen
Our king's so angry, he's like Alexander the Great.
Gower
Only without the killing his friends bit.
*Enter King with Exeter, Gloucester and others*
Henry V
"I was not angry since I came to France/Until this instant." But now, they've pissed me off. Rally everyone and let's finish this.
Exeter
Here comes the French herald again.
*Enter Montjoy*
Henry V
Dude, I said no ransom!
Montjoy
"No, great king," I come to ask permission for us to go out onto the field and sort and collect our dead.
Henry V
I tell thee truly, herald,
I know not if the day be ours or no;
For yet a many of your horsemen peer
And gallop o'er the field.
Montjoy
The day is yours.
Henry makes certain that Williams is going to fight whoever has his glove, then gives Williams's glove to Fluellen, saying that he got it off a French corpse, and sends him off toward Williams. This part is rightfully left out of most productions.
Scene VIII: Near the King's tent (which burned - color me confused)
Williams hits Fluellen. Fluellen wants satisfaction. The King reveals his role. Williams apologizes. The King gives him money, and so does Fluellen. I am nearly certain this was hilarious in Elizabethan times, but I find it tedious. Again, it's usually omitted.
*Enter English herald*
Henry V
Tally up the prisoners and the dead.
Exeter
Prisoners: 1500 nobles, including Orleans and Bourbon.
Henry V This note says 10,000 French were slain.
There are but sixteen hundred mercenaries;
The rest are princes, barons, lords, knights, squires,
And gentlemen of blood and quality.
. . .
Here was a royal fellowship of death!
Where is the number of our English dead?
Herald shews him another paper
Edward the Duke of York, the Earl of Suffolk,
Sir Richard Ketly, Davy Gam, esquire:
None else of name; and of all other men
But five and twenty. O God, thy arm was here;
And not to us, but to thy arm alone,
Ascribe we all!
Act V
Prologue
Chorus
The English went home in triumph, but after a while, Henry went back to France.
Scene 1: Back in France, at the English camp
Fluellen makes Pistol eat a leek.
Pistol conveys the news that his wife, Mistress Quickly, has died of syphilis, so he's turning to thievery.
Scene 2: A royal palace in France
Henry V
"Peace to this meeting, wherefore we are met!" Good to see you all, especially you, Katharine. *winks and does "guns" hand gesture*
King of France
Welcome to France.
Queen Isabel
As we are now glad to behold your eyes -
Your eyes, which hitherto have borne in them
Against the French that met them in their bent
The fatal balls of murdering basilisks.
The venom of such looks, we fairly hope,
Have lost their quality, and that this day
Shall change all griefs and quarrels into love.
Henry V
To cry "Amen" to that, thus we appear.
Duke of Burgundy
Let's have peace.
Henry V
You know my demands.
King of France
I need to look them over some more.
Henry V
Why doesn't everyone leave with the king, then. Except for Katharine. She's my number one demand after all.
Queen
Sure thing.
*Everyone leaves except Henry, Katharine and Alice*
Katharine
Your majesty shall mock at me; I cannot speak your England.
Henry V
O fair Katharine, if you will love me soundly with your French heart, I will be glad to hear you confess it brokenly with your English tongue.
. . .
Henry
Marry, if you would put me to verses or to dance for
your sake, Kate, why you undid me: for the one, I
have neither words nor measure, and for the other, I
have no strength in measure, yet a reasonable
measure in strength. If I could win a lady at
leap-frog, or by vaulting into my saddle with my
armor on my back, under the correction of bragging
be it spoken, I should quickly leap into a wife.
Or if I might buffet for my love, or bound my horse
for her favors, I could lay on like a butcher and
sit like a jackanapes, never off. But, before God,
Kate, I cannot look greenly nor gasp out my
eloquence, nor I have no cunning in protestation;
only downright oaths, which I never use till urged,
nor never break for urging. If thou canst love a
fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth
sun-burning, that never looks in his glass for love
of any thing he sees there, let thine eye be thy
cook. I speak to thee plain soldier: If thou canst
love me for this, take me: if not, to say to thee
that I shall die, is true; but for thy love, by the
Lord, no; yet I love thee too. And while thou
livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and
uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee
right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other
places: for these fellows of infinite tongue, that
can rhyme themselves into ladies' favors, they do
always reason themselves out again. What! a
speaker is but a prater; a rhyme is but a ballad. A
good leg will fall; a straight back will stoop; a
black beard will turn white; a curled pate will grow
bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax
hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the
moon; or, rather, the sun, and not the moon; for it
shines bright and never changes, but keeps his
course truly. If thou would have such a one, take
me; and take me, take a soldier; take a soldier,
take a king. And what sayest thou then to my love?
speak, my fair, and fairly, I pray thee.
Katharine
I will protest more, in broken English, but, um, okay.
Henry V
I'll kiss your hand.
Katharine
Mais non! Such a thing is not done!
Henry V
Then I'll kiss your lips>
Katharine
How inappropriate! Quelle bad manners!
Henry V
"O Kate, nice customs curtsy to great kings. Dear Kate, you and I cannot be confined within the weak list of a country's fashion: we are the makers of manners, Kate."
*Kisses her*
"You have witchcraft in your lips, Kate . . . Here comes your Father."
*Enter everyone*
Burgundy
Did you teach her English?
Henry V
Nope, but we practiced our French -eh, what? Wink, wink, . . .
Burgundy
. . . nudge, nudge, say no more.
Exeter
Ahahaha!
King of France
I've agreed to your terms, have at her.
Henry V
Why then, I will - watch me kiss her!
*Kisses her - with trumpet fanfare, no less*
Queen
"God, the best maker of all marriages,/Combine your hearts in one, your realms in one!"
All
Amen!
Henry V
Prepare for the wedding and the big happy ending!
Chorus
I feel a Shakespearean sonnet coming on, in which I explain that things go down the toilet later on in Henry V's life:
Thus far, with rough and all-unable pen,
Our bending author hath pursued the story,
In little room confining mighty men,
Mangling by starts the full course of their glory.
Small time, but in that small most greatly lived
This star of England: Fortune made his sword;
By which the world's best garden be achieved,
And of it left his son imperial lord.
Henry the Sixth, in infant bands crown'd King
Of France and England, did this king succeed;
Whose state so many had the managing,
That they lost France and made his England bleed:
Which oft our stage hath shown; and, for their sake,
In your fair minds let this acceptance take.
THE END
Hey! Don't forget to enter this week's contest!
This play is not the Bard's invention, neither is it an entirely dependable or faithful account of the life and actions of King Henry V. The character of the young Henry V (a.k.a. "Prince Hal") had already been introduced to Shakespeare's audiences in the earlier plays (Richard II, Henry IV, part 1 & Henry IV, part 2) as a wild, unprincipled young man who consorted with lowlifes, including Sir John Falstaff, so popular in the Henry IV plays that rumor has it that Queen Elizabeth I requested a play about Falstaff in love, resulting in The Merry Wives of Windsor.
My summary of the play is even less representative of the actual history of the man, being, after all, my version of the story of the play, which is Shakespeare's version of part of the life of Henry V. Shakespeare wisely focuses only on one part of the king's life - his quest to regain lands in France to which he had a claim, since he didn't have much that made him admirable, really. He relied on the chronicles written by a Catholic monk named Raphael Hollinshead as his primary source for this and others of his histories.
The play is written in five Acts, each of which comes with its own prologue. Each prologue is pronounced by a person known as the Chorus. In his first appearance, he explains to the audience that battles can't be well-reproduced on a stage, and apologizes in advance that truly great men are being played by mere actors. In his later performances, he moves the action along with swift summaries.
Here's my go at Henry V, for those of you unfamiliar with the play. I'll be including some of my favorite quotes from the play - they will be in quotation marks or block quotes. You will notice that I'm a HUGE fan of the love scene in Act V, scene 2:
ACT I
Prologue
Chorus
So, um, I hope you'll all use your imaginations here, since we're kinda limited in showing you what a battle really looks like and all. Also, we'll be pretending to be actual royalty and nobles, for which we mean no disrespect and beg your pardon.
Admit me Chorus to this history;
Who prologue-like your humble patience pray,
Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play.
Scene 1
Archbishop of Canterbury
I've got a good idea. How 'bout we talk the king into reclaiming part of France? He's dipping into our coffers too much.
Bishop of Ely
That is a good idea.
Scene 2
Henry V
Do I have a fair claim on these lands in France or what?
Archbishop of Canterbury
Once upon a time, and ancestry and archaic law, and so forth, and furthermore, and to come to a conclusion, yes. Probably. If viewed while squinting and out of the corner of one's eye.
Henry's uncle, the Duke of Exeter
Ahahaha. Let's do it!
*Enter Ambassador from France*
Henry V
Welcome to England. I hear you work for the Dauphin.
Ambassador
Yep. He sends you this gift of tennis balls, and bids you kiss his ass.
Henry V
Right. Tell him my balls are bigger.
We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us;
His present and your pains we thank you for:
When we have matched our rackets to these balls,
We will, in France, by God's grace, play a set
Shall strike his father's crown into the hazard.
*Exit Ambassador*
Exeter
Nice message. Ahahaha!
Henry V
That should piss off the Dauphin. Let's go to France!
Act II
Prologue
Chorus
So, time's gone by and England's set for war. Men are coming from all over the country to join the army and see the world. The French are worried. And by the way, three guys who the king trusts have been paid by the French to kill the king.
Scene 1: in London
We meet some lowlife scum who used to pal around with the king when he was a lad; these comic characters would have been well-known to audiences from the two Henry IV plays. They talk about how Falstaff is broken-hearted that the king doesn't hang with him any more, and is now sick. Roll call:
Corporal Nym: introduced in The Merry Wives of Windsor; a coward and a thief
Lieutenant Bardolph: introduced in the Henry IV plays; a coward and a thief
Pistol: Now married to Mistress Quickly and keeper of the whorehouse; introduced in the Henry IV plays; a drunkard, fighter, coward and thief
Mistress Quickly: The bawd; married to Pistol and fond of Sir John Falstaff
The Boy: In service to Falstaff
Scene 2: In Southampton
Exeter, Bedford (King Henry's brother) and Westmoreland discuss the three guys who have plotted to kill the king.
*Enter three guys who want to kill the king*
Henry V
I decided to let this guy who did something relatively minor out of jail. Good idea?
Three guys
Nah. You should kill him. You know, make him an example.
Henry V
Then what should I do with three guys who want to kill me?
Three guys
O_o
Exeter
You're all under arrest for high treason. Ahahaha!
Henry V
Bygones. No offense guys, but you gots to die.
Scene 3: In London
Mistress Quickly
Falstaff's dead. He died while wanking.
Boy
He once said that women were the devil incarnate.
Mistress Quickly
He never did like the color carnation. Ba dump bump.
Nym
Gotta jet.
Pistol
"Let us to France; like horse-leeches, my boys,/To suck, to suck, the very blood to suck!" See ya, honey. Make sure our hookers get their cash up front. Kiss kiss.
Scene 4: France, the King's palace
King of France
I'm worried about the English. We'd better prepare for a massive fight.
Dauphin
Nah. It'll be a piece of cake.
Constable of France
I think it's gonna be tough going, Dauphin.
King of France
Damn straight. He's descended from Edward, "Black Prince of Wales"
*Enter Exeter*
King of France
Welcome to France.
Exeter
King Henry says hand over the crown and nobody gets hurt.
King
I'll think about it and get back to you tomorrow. Anything else?
Exeter
Unless the Dauphin's here?
Dauphin
I represent the Dauphin.
Exeter
To you, King Henry sends nothing but scorn and dislike, and says that he'll piss in your ear, more or less. Ahahaha! I'm out.
King of France TTYL.
Act III
Prologue
Chorus
So imagine that everyone sailed for France. Exeter returned with an offer from the king: Henry could have some land and marry Princess Katharine. Henry said no, of course, and is now ready to assail Harfleur, which is under seige.
Scene 1: France, outside Harfleur
Henry V
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
Or close the wall up with our English dead!
. . .
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot.
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry "God for Harry, England, and Saint George!"
Scene 2: Same setting
Bardolph, Nym and Pistol don't want to fight because they might get killed. Fluellen (a Welshman) urges them ahead.
The Boy
Those guys are bounders and thieves. Time for me to part company with them. "Their villany goes against my weak stomach, and therefore I must cast it up."
Fluellen, the Welshman, gets into a heated discussion with Captain Macmorris, an Irishman, and Captain Jamy, a Scotsman. The dialogue is written using heavy accents. Probably this was hilarious back in the day, since nowadays it seems to serve little purpose, really, and is therefore frequently cut from stage productions.
Scene 3: Same setting
Henry V
Look, surrender or I'll let my men loose inside your city to rape your daughters and crush the skulls of your old men. What say you?
Governor of Harfleur
Welcome to Harfleur!
Henry V
I'm putting you in charge, uncle Exeter.
Exeter
Ahahaha!
Scene 4: the palace of the French King
Katharine
Tu parles Anglais, oui?
Alice
Ou, un peu.
Katharine
Comment appelez-vous la main?
Alice
De hand.
Katharine
Have you noticed that our entire scene consists of words that have a second, extraordinarily dirty meaning to Elizabethan audiences?
Alice
I have. Look at them laughing.
Katharine
I shouldn't say these dirty words. Let me repeat them all at least twice more.
Alice
"Excellent, madame!"
Scene 5: Still in the palace
King of France
He's crossed the Somme.
Duke of Bourbon
"Normans, but bastard Normans, Norman bastards!"
Constable
WTF? Don't they come from a rainy, foggy, cold island?
Dauphin
Our French women think they're hot.
King
Get me Montjoy, the herald, double-quick! All you princes go fight. Except you, Dauphin. You stay here.
Dauphin
But Dad . . . !
Scene 6: English camp in Picardy
Fluellen
Hey, I'm back from the bridge. Exeter is fine, and says "Ahahaha!" But Bardolph got caught stealing from a church, so he's gotta hang for it.
Pistol
Seriously?
Fluellen
Yes. (Repeats this message to Henry V)
Henry V
String 'im up. No stealing from the French.
*Enter Montjoy, the French herald*
Montjoy
Hail, King of England! The King of France says "Though we seemed dead, we did but sleep: advantage is a better soldier than rashness." Also, he asks what ransom will you pay for yourself, now that you've gone and pissed us off? And by "us", I mean "him".
Henry V
You do a fine job as herald. Here's a tip for you. Now go back and tell your master to bite me.
Montjoy
Thanks. Will do.
*Montjoy exits*
Duke of Gloucester
Crap.
Henry V
Rest up, we're marching tomorrow.
Scene 7: French camp near Agincourt
Constable
I've got the best armor in France.
Orleans
I've got the best horse.
Dauphin
My horse is better than your horse. Let me wax rhapsodic about my horse.
Constable
Sounds to me like you really love your horse. I prefer women.
Dauphin
You ride what you like, I like to ride my horse. *swishes out*
Orleans
The Dauphin's an okay guy.
Constable
If you say so. I think he's a pussy.
Orleans
"Ill will never said well."
Constable
I will cap that proverb with "There is flattery in friendship."
Orleans
And I will take up that with "Give the devil his due."
Constable
Well placed: there stands your friend for the devil: have at the very eye of that proverb with "A pox of the devil."
Orleans
You are the better at proverbs, by how much "A fool's bolt is soon shot."
Constable
You have shot over.
Orleans
'Tis not the first time you were overshot.
*Enter messenger*
Messenger
Dudes, the English are really close by. Just so you know.
Act IV
Prologue
Chorus
Time is ticking. The dark hours of night go by. The French are smug and certain they will win. Meanwhile, back on the English side, Henry's wandering around to encourage his men.
Scene 1: the English camp at Agincourt
Henry V
Well, Gloucester and Bedford, this is a mess.
*Enter Erpingham*
Henry V
You're old - you should be home with a pillow.
Erpingham
Nah - this way I get to say my lodgings are as good as the King's!
Henry V
Leave me alone, I feel a soliloquy coming on.
*Exit all by Henry*
Henry V
What a cheerful old guy.
*Enter Pistol*
Pistol
Who are you?
Henry
A gentleman. You can call me Harry Le Roy. [KRF: Dear Wm: I c what u did thar!]
Pistol
Later.
*Pistol leaves, Fluellen and Gower enter*
Gower
Fluellen!
Fluellen
Keep it down!
Gower
But the French are loud!
Fluellen
"If the enemy is an ass and a fool and a prating coxcomb, is it meet, think you, that we should also, look you, be an ass and a fool and a prating coxcomb? in your own conscience, now?"
Gower
Good point. I'll keep it down.
*Exit Fluellen and Gower*
Henry V
I like that Welshman.
*Enter three soldiers*
Henry V
I'm just a guy, like you. I serve Erpingham.
Bates
Think someone should tell the king things look bad?
Henry V
I'm pretty sure he knows that.
Discussion about whether the king has any right to lead men into battle, and whether, if they die, their deaths hang on his conscience.
Henry V
"Every subject's duty is the king's; but every subject's soul is his own."
Williams
The king might ransom himself once we're all dead.
Henry V
Dude, I should fight you for that.
*Williams and Henry trade gloves, to pick a fight if they both survive the battle*
*Exit three soldiers*
Henry V
Finally, my soliloquy! Being a king is hard!
*Enter Erpingham*
Erpingham
Everyone's looking for you.
*Exits again*
Henry V
O God of battles! steel my soldiers' hearts;
Possess them not with fear; take from them now
The sense of reckoning, if the opposed numbers
Pluck their hearts from them. Not to-day, O Lord,
O, not to-day, think not upon the fault
My father made in compassing the crown!
Scene 2: The French camp
French lords
Let's do this!
Scene 3: The English camp
Westmoreland
I wish we had more men.
Henry V
*Gives the St. Crispin's day speech*
Westmoreland and others
Click to viewLet's do this!
Exeter
Ahahaha!
*Enter Montjoy*
Montjoy
Last chance for ransom, King Harry!
Henry V
Once again, tell them to bite me!
Montjoy
"I shall, King Harry. And so fare thee well:/Thou never shalt hear herald any more."
*Exit Montjoy*
Henry V
Bet he comes again.
York
Permission to lead the charge?
Henry V
Let's do this!
Scene 4: Battlefield
Pistol encounters a French soldier. Using horrible French of his own and the excellent French of the Boy, he bargains with the Frenchman, and lets him go for 1,000 gold crowns. The Boy worries that only boys like himself are left to guard the equipment, so the French could easily come steal their stuff.
Scene 5: Another part of the field
Constable
Crap!
Orleans
"O seigneur! le jour est perdu, tout est perdu!"
Dauphin
What an ass-whipping!
Bourbon
Eternal shame! Let's die with honor!
Scene 6: Another part of the field
Henry V
We've done well, but the French still hold the field.
Exeter
York and Suffolk are both dead. It made me cry real tears.
Henry V
Damn. Looks like the French are rallying. Kill the prisoners.
Scene 7: Another part of the field
Fluellen
The damn French killed the boys. That's a violation of the code of honor.
Gower
They burned down the king's tent, too.
Fluellen
Our king's so angry, he's like Alexander the Great.
Gower
Only without the killing his friends bit.
*Enter King with Exeter, Gloucester and others*
Henry V
"I was not angry since I came to France/Until this instant." But now, they've pissed me off. Rally everyone and let's finish this.
Exeter
Here comes the French herald again.
*Enter Montjoy*
Henry V
Dude, I said no ransom!
Montjoy
"No, great king," I come to ask permission for us to go out onto the field and sort and collect our dead.
Henry V
I tell thee truly, herald,
I know not if the day be ours or no;
For yet a many of your horsemen peer
And gallop o'er the field.
Montjoy
The day is yours.
Henry makes certain that Williams is going to fight whoever has his glove, then gives Williams's glove to Fluellen, saying that he got it off a French corpse, and sends him off toward Williams. This part is rightfully left out of most productions.
Scene VIII: Near the King's tent (which burned - color me confused)
Williams hits Fluellen. Fluellen wants satisfaction. The King reveals his role. Williams apologizes. The King gives him money, and so does Fluellen. I am nearly certain this was hilarious in Elizabethan times, but I find it tedious. Again, it's usually omitted.
*Enter English herald*
Henry V
Tally up the prisoners and the dead.
Exeter
Prisoners: 1500 nobles, including Orleans and Bourbon.
Henry V This note says 10,000 French were slain.
There are but sixteen hundred mercenaries;
The rest are princes, barons, lords, knights, squires,
And gentlemen of blood and quality.
. . .
Here was a royal fellowship of death!
Where is the number of our English dead?
Herald shews him another paper
Edward the Duke of York, the Earl of Suffolk,
Sir Richard Ketly, Davy Gam, esquire:
None else of name; and of all other men
But five and twenty. O God, thy arm was here;
And not to us, but to thy arm alone,
Ascribe we all!
Act V
Prologue
Chorus
The English went home in triumph, but after a while, Henry went back to France.
Scene 1: Back in France, at the English camp
Fluellen makes Pistol eat a leek.
Pistol conveys the news that his wife, Mistress Quickly, has died of syphilis, so he's turning to thievery.
Scene 2: A royal palace in France
Henry V
"Peace to this meeting, wherefore we are met!" Good to see you all, especially you, Katharine. *winks and does "guns" hand gesture*
King of France
Welcome to France.
Queen Isabel
As we are now glad to behold your eyes -
Your eyes, which hitherto have borne in them
Against the French that met them in their bent
The fatal balls of murdering basilisks.
The venom of such looks, we fairly hope,
Have lost their quality, and that this day
Shall change all griefs and quarrels into love.
Henry V
To cry "Amen" to that, thus we appear.
Duke of Burgundy
Let's have peace.
Henry V
You know my demands.
King of France
I need to look them over some more.
Henry V
Why doesn't everyone leave with the king, then. Except for Katharine. She's my number one demand after all.
Queen
Sure thing.
*Everyone leaves except Henry, Katharine and Alice*
Katharine
Your majesty shall mock at me; I cannot speak your England.
Henry V
O fair Katharine, if you will love me soundly with your French heart, I will be glad to hear you confess it brokenly with your English tongue.
. . .
Henry
Marry, if you would put me to verses or to dance for
your sake, Kate, why you undid me: for the one, I
have neither words nor measure, and for the other, I
have no strength in measure, yet a reasonable
measure in strength. If I could win a lady at
leap-frog, or by vaulting into my saddle with my
armor on my back, under the correction of bragging
be it spoken, I should quickly leap into a wife.
Or if I might buffet for my love, or bound my horse
for her favors, I could lay on like a butcher and
sit like a jackanapes, never off. But, before God,
Kate, I cannot look greenly nor gasp out my
eloquence, nor I have no cunning in protestation;
only downright oaths, which I never use till urged,
nor never break for urging. If thou canst love a
fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth
sun-burning, that never looks in his glass for love
of any thing he sees there, let thine eye be thy
cook. I speak to thee plain soldier: If thou canst
love me for this, take me: if not, to say to thee
that I shall die, is true; but for thy love, by the
Lord, no; yet I love thee too. And while thou
livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and
uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee
right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other
places: for these fellows of infinite tongue, that
can rhyme themselves into ladies' favors, they do
always reason themselves out again. What! a
speaker is but a prater; a rhyme is but a ballad. A
good leg will fall; a straight back will stoop; a
black beard will turn white; a curled pate will grow
bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax
hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the
moon; or, rather, the sun, and not the moon; for it
shines bright and never changes, but keeps his
course truly. If thou would have such a one, take
me; and take me, take a soldier; take a soldier,
take a king. And what sayest thou then to my love?
speak, my fair, and fairly, I pray thee.
Katharine
I will protest more, in broken English, but, um, okay.
Henry V
I'll kiss your hand.
Katharine
Mais non! Such a thing is not done!
Henry V
Then I'll kiss your lips>
Katharine
How inappropriate! Quelle bad manners!
Henry V
"O Kate, nice customs curtsy to great kings. Dear Kate, you and I cannot be confined within the weak list of a country's fashion: we are the makers of manners, Kate."
*Kisses her*
"You have witchcraft in your lips, Kate . . . Here comes your Father."
*Enter everyone*
Burgundy
Did you teach her English?
Henry V
Nope, but we practiced our French -eh, what? Wink, wink, . . .
Burgundy
. . . nudge, nudge, say no more.
Exeter
Ahahaha!
King of France
I've agreed to your terms, have at her.
Henry V
Why then, I will - watch me kiss her!
*Kisses her - with trumpet fanfare, no less*
Queen
"God, the best maker of all marriages,/Combine your hearts in one, your realms in one!"
All
Amen!
Henry V
Prepare for the wedding and the big happy ending!
Chorus
I feel a Shakespearean sonnet coming on, in which I explain that things go down the toilet later on in Henry V's life:
Thus far, with rough and all-unable pen,
Our bending author hath pursued the story,
In little room confining mighty men,
Mangling by starts the full course of their glory.
Small time, but in that small most greatly lived
This star of England: Fortune made his sword;
By which the world's best garden be achieved,
And of it left his son imperial lord.
Henry the Sixth, in infant bands crown'd King
Of France and England, did this king succeed;
Whose state so many had the managing,
That they lost France and made his England bleed:
Which oft our stage hath shown; and, for their sake,
In your fair minds let this acceptance take.
THE END
Hey! Don't forget to enter this week's contest!