Not the end
August 15, 2016 is the day everything changed. Leading up to this date was a build up of some situations that can easily cause an emotional breakdown.
Loosing my Dad Tom in 3 short months to a very aggressive metastatic melanoma. A few weeks later I was engaged to be married. It was a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows. I could not even truly enjoy the good moments because I was so numb from the difficult and abrupt loss.
So I focused on wedding planning and as always looked for the good in every situation or person in my life. The wedding day came and went. This isn't about that though. Really I just need to explain where my mind was and what types of things led up to August 15, 2016.
Adjusting to a new family & home life. Adjusting to life without my Dad Tom around. Helping the girls adjust when I struggled to adjust was an area I felt I failed. But what else could I do? Just love them and be there for them.
I had this extreme longing to have a child. I always wanted a 3rd child. I wanted to raise a child in a loving home with a man I loved. But I knew that was not in the cards. The person I married did not want more children and I knew that by the 3rd time I saw him. Sort of difficult decision to make about a stranger. If it will be enough. I decided to just go with it. I suppose this time in my life where I had an extreme longing was mostly my internal clock ticking. But it did make me sad. I didn't feel like I had enough. Things were not all smiles like the pictures.
I started to feel sad. I felt disappointed I could not fulfill my dream of having a child the way I wanted. I didn't have the emotional connection with the person I married to I wished I had. I tried in so many ways. It was never enough because I was not enough.
Around this time. I learned I had premature ovarian failure. What that meant was my body stopped producing estrogen and healthy eggs. This threw off all of my hormones and launched me into a deep depression.
I had never felt depression in my life. I had experienced it as I loved someone who battled with it. I didnt fully understand. I thought depression was selfish. The way a depressed person conducts themself. I really cannot explain it but I can tell you they are not selfish. They are selfless. Something dark gets into their mind and eats up all rational. All you feel is darkness and defeat. You lack energy to fight it or even think of how you could. You start to believe everyone is better off without you. I was with someone who seemed to agree. I found myself sleeping every moment I could just to not have to be around life. While I was awake I made things worse with every moment I disappointed someone else. Which was mostly the same person.
I asked for help and got it. But it all was turned around to attention on the marriage by the time i went.
I knew this was not a healthy marriage for many reasons. It was games I didn't want to play. I was trying to cope with my thrown off hormones, the loss of my dad tom, adjusting to a new life without him, adjusting to being a wife and filling those expectations, a new career, dissapointing my partner, the loss of what felt like being a woman, knowing I'll absolutely never have children again. To top it all off the doctor believed i may have this condition as a result of ovarian cancer.
Being faced with all of these things I can handle and push on. Its not easy but I could have seen the light to reach for had there been a hand helping me up.
August 15, 2016 is the day I almost gave up. I almost became what a lot of people would think of as selfish. I almost took my life. Details are not important but what is, is that we all need to recognize this darkness exists. Don't be ashamed. We all have our limits. If those around you aren't treating you with love and care then they don't love you or care about you. If you are in a moment of darkness and decide you can't fight it... if you're faced with someone who encourages you to do anything other than fight ... run far from them and run fast.
I am here today because I know what love is. Though on that day it wasnt the person I expected to love me. I was still loved and made to feel safe and valuable. So I stayed for one more day. I got help. Reach for my hand if you need to I will help you up.
I won't share suicide crisis hotline numbers because I know you can Google those. I called one from work one time when I felt like ending it. I had a lot of difficult days after that big one. But each time I reached out for help even when I didn't want it.
I guess I am sharing this because I am embarrassed to but with everyone fixated on recent celebrity suicides. It may feel close to your heart. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there now. Maybe you know someone. No matter what the case may be if you ever need a hand to help you up I am here. I don't judge... someone did it for me and had they not I wouldn't be here. I am grateful for today and tomorrow. And my promise to myself is only surround myself with those who will encourage my health and happiness. I know it wouldn't have gotten to that point with a little bit of love and care.