1 month to live
A lot has happened really quick with my Dad Tom. It was back in April that he first started complaining about his neck hurting. Then in May he went for a check up and told them about his neck pain. They diagnosed him with mild arthritis. He went back for another appointment and they found a lump under his arm upon examination. They did a biopsy on it. Found out it was cancer. Since then it has only been a few months and that pea sized tumor grew into a golf ball size and now its more like football size. He has 8 tumors throughout his body... the worse being under his arm. He has a large tumor in his skull resting on his brain.
He was eligible for a clinical trial at the angeles clinic that others have had very good luck with. Sent off his information and his biopsy was unreadable. The hospital had no more tissue samples to provide. He would have to get another biopsy. He weighed 119 lbs at 5'9" two weeks ago. He must weigh 110 by now or less. He is in no condition to do another biopsy and wait a month for it to get read and then travel to santa monica to begin treatment that would further make him ill.
Yesterday morning he woke up and told my Mom that he was done fighting. He was ready to give up. He wants to ease out with morphine and die peacefully and comfortably. The palliative care nurse that was sent in quickly changed things to Hospice. Last night they sent out all his medical equipment including a fully electric hospital bed, wheelchair, shower chair, oxygen, etc. My Mom had to go out and buy fire extinguishers as part of the agreement and rules they have.
I sat there on my parents bed as he laid in the hospital bed. I have a cold so I had on a face mask and gloves. I didn't want to give him more illness. We talked for a couple of hours. He told me he was so proud of me and that I took what he taught me and perfected it and that I am an amazing mother. He said he wished he could be there. I asked for what? He said for your first day on your new job. I wish I could be there to see you walk thru those doors. He told me to promise him I would take a lot of pictures for him.
We talked about me as a child and as a teen.. and as an adult. He told me that him and my mom were both so happy that I have Ray and that they knew when they met him that that he was the one I would spend my life with. He said I couldn't have found a better person for me. He started praying and thanking Jesus for bringing Ray and I together.
We talked about so much. He said that he sometimes didn't understand me when I would talk to him when I was younger so he would ask me a lot of questions then I would get mad. So he would just stop talking. I used to get mad because I felt like he was questioning what I was saying or didn't believe how I felt. Meanwhile he was just trying to understand me. I told him that I was glad I had him in my life because every kid needs a Mom and a Dad. And that if it hadn't been for him that I wouldn't have had that as a kid. I told him that there were sometimes when I needed to talk to him about things because he was rational and logical. And when I was emotional I wanted to talk to my Mom. But that I needed both... and I was grateful that he was there for me.
I cant imagine what it will be like when he is gone. I will miss being able to talk to him and I will miss the moments I could have shared with him. I don't want to not have those moments....
For him to see me graduate. For him to see me with a stethoscope instead of an apron. For him to walk me down the aisle and give me away... and share a father daughter dance. All of those things I assumed I could always have are not going to happen. I am grateful to know that I had my children sooner so they both got to know and love him. I will hold onto that...which is huge... because it is all I can really do.
I am at least thankful that I have had these past few months to tell him everything I feel and to grow closer to him. But I can't possibly ever express to him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I can only hope he feels it.
The hospice nurse said he may have 1 month left if that. But sooner than that he will be asleep from the morphine.
He was eligible for a clinical trial at the angeles clinic that others have had very good luck with. Sent off his information and his biopsy was unreadable. The hospital had no more tissue samples to provide. He would have to get another biopsy. He weighed 119 lbs at 5'9" two weeks ago. He must weigh 110 by now or less. He is in no condition to do another biopsy and wait a month for it to get read and then travel to santa monica to begin treatment that would further make him ill.
Yesterday morning he woke up and told my Mom that he was done fighting. He was ready to give up. He wants to ease out with morphine and die peacefully and comfortably. The palliative care nurse that was sent in quickly changed things to Hospice. Last night they sent out all his medical equipment including a fully electric hospital bed, wheelchair, shower chair, oxygen, etc. My Mom had to go out and buy fire extinguishers as part of the agreement and rules they have.
I sat there on my parents bed as he laid in the hospital bed. I have a cold so I had on a face mask and gloves. I didn't want to give him more illness. We talked for a couple of hours. He told me he was so proud of me and that I took what he taught me and perfected it and that I am an amazing mother. He said he wished he could be there. I asked for what? He said for your first day on your new job. I wish I could be there to see you walk thru those doors. He told me to promise him I would take a lot of pictures for him.
We talked about me as a child and as a teen.. and as an adult. He told me that him and my mom were both so happy that I have Ray and that they knew when they met him that that he was the one I would spend my life with. He said I couldn't have found a better person for me. He started praying and thanking Jesus for bringing Ray and I together.
We talked about so much. He said that he sometimes didn't understand me when I would talk to him when I was younger so he would ask me a lot of questions then I would get mad. So he would just stop talking. I used to get mad because I felt like he was questioning what I was saying or didn't believe how I felt. Meanwhile he was just trying to understand me. I told him that I was glad I had him in my life because every kid needs a Mom and a Dad. And that if it hadn't been for him that I wouldn't have had that as a kid. I told him that there were sometimes when I needed to talk to him about things because he was rational and logical. And when I was emotional I wanted to talk to my Mom. But that I needed both... and I was grateful that he was there for me.
I cant imagine what it will be like when he is gone. I will miss being able to talk to him and I will miss the moments I could have shared with him. I don't want to not have those moments....
For him to see me graduate. For him to see me with a stethoscope instead of an apron. For him to walk me down the aisle and give me away... and share a father daughter dance. All of those things I assumed I could always have are not going to happen. I am grateful to know that I had my children sooner so they both got to know and love him. I will hold onto that...which is huge... because it is all I can really do.
I am at least thankful that I have had these past few months to tell him everything I feel and to grow closer to him. But I can't possibly ever express to him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I can only hope he feels it.
The hospice nurse said he may have 1 month left if that. But sooner than that he will be asleep from the morphine.