The swinging pendulum
So . . . . alas. I knew that my bipolarity would come back to bite me in the ass. For the last month I have been in the best of moods, I've been high on life, and it was wonderful. However, for some reason, that great feeling ended today. Very abruptly, actually. Sometime between the end of meeting and the beginning of dinner. It was a falling sensation; y'know when you step off a curb without realizing it was there and you feel your stomach jump and your heart skip a beat? It was like that, but it wasn't just a curb I was stepping off of, it was more like a cliff. And I landed on my back with my breath knocked out of me, lying there for someone to care . . . and for some reason I feel that no one does. As irrational as this sounds, I suddenly feel totally and completely alone. Uncared for. It's a hard thing to feel, really, alone. Especially when I haven't felt like this for four years. It's even more difficult because I can't figure out what triggered it. Maybe it was my realization that I don't have any personal connections with anyone in California. I don't know anyone that I can just pick up the phone and call to go to a movie spontaneously. I don't have good friends here like I did in El Paso, and it hurts. I relied so much on my friends in those days, and now I can't rely on anyone but myself and y'know what? It's quite a load. It's starting to weigh on me . . . and I feel like this sudden mood swing hasn't helped much. I'm suddenly a lot weaker than I was.