boooo
well, lets see. i am one not happy girl. which doesn't happen very often. bastards.
this week has sucked and it is only continuing to go downhill.
but the thing is, people don't even know it. because i'm damn good at putting on a show. thats right.
its like my heart is shattered in a million little pieces but i just hold it together by pieces of thread so that the people i care about the most don't see how i'm actually feeling. thats horrible isn't it? it should be the other way around, i should be going to those i love to help me get thru this, but im not. because for some reason i'm afraid to show it. to say what i'm thinking. to do what i actually want to do that will make me happy. i want to say exactly what i want to say and not be worried about what people will think. and i want to just forget about everything, to start completely clean and not think about shit. i want things to be the way they were. i want to see eye to eye and i want things to be easy, but they aren't. nothing in life that you want that bad is ever easy. but i seriously want to just give up even though it could mean giving up something for the rest of my life that could make me the happiest person ever. but there is that big COULD in that sentence. i don't want to wait for that to happen. i don't want to wait for the future when maybe someday things will change. and i am sure they will change. but i'm not ready to wait. i've been victim of waiting for the past few years of my life and i don't want to waste anymore time waiting. maybe my expectations are too high. i'm too afraid to not wait. i'm too afraid that something better is NOT out there. i'm too afraid that i'll look back on today and wonder why i gave up everything that made me ridiculously happy. everything that made me ungodly happy and horribly PISSED all at the same time.
ok well that was nice. screw this though. its not worth my time.
this week has sucked and it is only continuing to go downhill.
but the thing is, people don't even know it. because i'm damn good at putting on a show. thats right.
its like my heart is shattered in a million little pieces but i just hold it together by pieces of thread so that the people i care about the most don't see how i'm actually feeling. thats horrible isn't it? it should be the other way around, i should be going to those i love to help me get thru this, but im not. because for some reason i'm afraid to show it. to say what i'm thinking. to do what i actually want to do that will make me happy. i want to say exactly what i want to say and not be worried about what people will think. and i want to just forget about everything, to start completely clean and not think about shit. i want things to be the way they were. i want to see eye to eye and i want things to be easy, but they aren't. nothing in life that you want that bad is ever easy. but i seriously want to just give up even though it could mean giving up something for the rest of my life that could make me the happiest person ever. but there is that big COULD in that sentence. i don't want to wait for that to happen. i don't want to wait for the future when maybe someday things will change. and i am sure they will change. but i'm not ready to wait. i've been victim of waiting for the past few years of my life and i don't want to waste anymore time waiting. maybe my expectations are too high. i'm too afraid to not wait. i'm too afraid that something better is NOT out there. i'm too afraid that i'll look back on today and wonder why i gave up everything that made me ridiculously happy. everything that made me ungodly happy and horribly PISSED all at the same time.
ok well that was nice. screw this though. its not worth my time.