Stranger than non-fiction
Author's Note: I assure you, this is fake. I composed it entirely whilst watching Macbeth. Somebody has to amuse me.
Scene: I am 9. Thinking I am alone in the house, I put on some kickass music to shower to. I am undressed, dancing and singing as I make my way to the bathroom. Footloose and fancy free, my genitals flapping wildly as I make my way down the hall. My skinny, prepubescent body gyrating to the music. I was, for those few seconds prancing down the hall, completely care free and amazing. I was the best dancer in the world. I was feeling god-like as I burst through the bathroom door, my innocence about to be shattered.
There was my older brother, sitting on the toilet. It looked to me like he was vigorously rubbing some sort of ointment on to his penis. Being uneducated on matters of sex, or “doing it” as we sophisticates in Ms. Vahsholtz’s 4th grade class called it, I thought that he had a cold and was so addled by the illness, his aim was off.
“The Vapor-rub goes on your chest…Do you need help?”
“GET THE FUCK OUT”
Puzzled, I turned and fled, but my naked dancing no longer held the appeal that it had before seeing my brother “curing himself”. The magic was gone. I walked downstairs and flipped on the television. I looked for some cartoons, but alas, my fear for my brothers health kept me worried until I fell asleep on the couch.
I was awoken with a brotherly slap across the face. I opened my eyes and looked up into the eyes of my brother, the advocate of self-healing.
“Feel better?”
“Shut up, I don’t have a cold”
“Oh, ok” He seemed slightly worried by my knowledge of his medication, so I went for the big one, “Will you take me to Winstead’s?”
“Yeah, whatever.. Hey, if I ever catch you dancing naked to Cat Stevens again, I swear to god I will never talk to you again”
“But you love Moon sha..”
“Shut the Fuck Up”
Epilogue to anecdote: Family dinner about 6 years later. Erin has a cold. It dawns on me. Like Archimedes, I suddenly understand. Eureka! I turn to Patrick.
“You didn’t have a cold, did you?”
He looked at me blankly for a while, then a smile slowly turned his lips.
“Nah, my lips were just really chapped,”
stuff about me: I am 17. Isnt that special? Today was a great day. I didnt come to school till i noon, I got a dvd from amanda and had suishi for dinner. Then i went to amanda's house and had some awesome pie.
Scene: I am 9. Thinking I am alone in the house, I put on some kickass music to shower to. I am undressed, dancing and singing as I make my way to the bathroom. Footloose and fancy free, my genitals flapping wildly as I make my way down the hall. My skinny, prepubescent body gyrating to the music. I was, for those few seconds prancing down the hall, completely care free and amazing. I was the best dancer in the world. I was feeling god-like as I burst through the bathroom door, my innocence about to be shattered.
There was my older brother, sitting on the toilet. It looked to me like he was vigorously rubbing some sort of ointment on to his penis. Being uneducated on matters of sex, or “doing it” as we sophisticates in Ms. Vahsholtz’s 4th grade class called it, I thought that he had a cold and was so addled by the illness, his aim was off.
“The Vapor-rub goes on your chest…Do you need help?”
“GET THE FUCK OUT”
Puzzled, I turned and fled, but my naked dancing no longer held the appeal that it had before seeing my brother “curing himself”. The magic was gone. I walked downstairs and flipped on the television. I looked for some cartoons, but alas, my fear for my brothers health kept me worried until I fell asleep on the couch.
I was awoken with a brotherly slap across the face. I opened my eyes and looked up into the eyes of my brother, the advocate of self-healing.
“Feel better?”
“Shut up, I don’t have a cold”
“Oh, ok” He seemed slightly worried by my knowledge of his medication, so I went for the big one, “Will you take me to Winstead’s?”
“Yeah, whatever.. Hey, if I ever catch you dancing naked to Cat Stevens again, I swear to god I will never talk to you again”
“But you love Moon sha..”
“Shut the Fuck Up”
Epilogue to anecdote: Family dinner about 6 years later. Erin has a cold. It dawns on me. Like Archimedes, I suddenly understand. Eureka! I turn to Patrick.
“You didn’t have a cold, did you?”
He looked at me blankly for a while, then a smile slowly turned his lips.
“Nah, my lips were just really chapped,”
stuff about me: I am 17. Isnt that special? Today was a great day. I didnt come to school till i noon, I got a dvd from amanda and had suishi for dinner. Then i went to amanda's house and had some awesome pie.