Thinking tooo much
so what is a girl to do?
I've been looking at myself from many views, and I am beginning to lose sight of the woman I was/strived to be.
With the whole boy situation: I was trying to be a playa. And one by one they dropped off. I had come home this summer with a broken heavy heart... so I tried to get back with my first love, who after two weeks up and stopped talking to me for no reason (or at least without letting me know the reason). Then Drew and I just butted heads on everything. Do I think we could have worked? Yeah, if we had ever actually talked. We were great when we were alone (most of the time... there was the one night where he was drivin me nuts) but when we involved his friends things got messy. I guess I should have known better, especially after dating Travis, that I just can't deal with emotionless guys... sorry, not always the mind reader and I have no clue sometimes when a guy cares for me.
So now I'm down to one guy, who I've only seen once this summer, and he is my bootycall... which we haven't used except for one night of some great making out. but nothing will happen with him since we have arranged it so there is no attachment...just fun making out and possibly more.
So I can see where people get the idea that I tend to be a slut. Whats worse, is that I can tell people think that of me just by the way they look at me, and talk down to me. I'm not sorry for the way I am, maybe just a little sorry for the way I can act. But it hurts, deep inside and I just can't seem to fix it. That and people seem to think that I am a total bitch. I hate that. I'll admit, if I dont like and don't want to be around you, yeah I will be a bitch. I know that I shouldn't but sometimes that is what it takes to get left alone.
And alone is what I am feeling now. Totally alone. Can't believe how much it sucks and how much I can hurt myself with these thoughts... Why am I not good enough for certain people (aka Drew, Jordan, etc.) and why can't I get over the fact that they don't want me? One reason is because they send me SOOO many mixed signals that sometimes I believe that they do want me, but are dead set against me for some reason. Jordan its the distance thing, Drew its because he doesn't want me because of that ONE night and because he has it in his head that no one could be attracted to a guy like that....
Anyway... my friends seem to hate me as well. I try to hang out (and I know that I am rarely available to hang out due to working all the time) but I feel like I am getting the cold shoulder, esp. from Brandon. But to each his own, I guess I shouldn't let it bother me... but it does. I love my friends, they are very dear to me. But I guess I am not very dear to them. oh boo hoo for me. Again, I think coming home was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made.
School sucks. I am not even trying anymore. Doesn't matter, wont affect my gpa in Charleston and I will get the credit if I make a C or higher. No ambition to make the A. And the teacher absolutely SUCKS.
Ok... so now I wonder, where is the successful driven woman I was at the beginning of the school year? Who is the little girl I have transformed into? My problem is that I have let my self-esteem get soo low that I can't pick it up. I mean, I know I am an attractive young lady, so why do I feel it necessary to look for guys ONLINE? Why can't I just be normal and meet them outside in the real world?
Oh well... I guess I needed to get this out... my headache has lessen some bit and now I am off to find food before I go and be a slave at Belk for 6 hours (five actually if you take out my one hour lunch/dinner break).
I've been looking at myself from many views, and I am beginning to lose sight of the woman I was/strived to be.
With the whole boy situation: I was trying to be a playa. And one by one they dropped off. I had come home this summer with a broken heavy heart... so I tried to get back with my first love, who after two weeks up and stopped talking to me for no reason (or at least without letting me know the reason). Then Drew and I just butted heads on everything. Do I think we could have worked? Yeah, if we had ever actually talked. We were great when we were alone (most of the time... there was the one night where he was drivin me nuts) but when we involved his friends things got messy. I guess I should have known better, especially after dating Travis, that I just can't deal with emotionless guys... sorry, not always the mind reader and I have no clue sometimes when a guy cares for me.
So now I'm down to one guy, who I've only seen once this summer, and he is my bootycall... which we haven't used except for one night of some great making out. but nothing will happen with him since we have arranged it so there is no attachment...just fun making out and possibly more.
So I can see where people get the idea that I tend to be a slut. Whats worse, is that I can tell people think that of me just by the way they look at me, and talk down to me. I'm not sorry for the way I am, maybe just a little sorry for the way I can act. But it hurts, deep inside and I just can't seem to fix it. That and people seem to think that I am a total bitch. I hate that. I'll admit, if I dont like and don't want to be around you, yeah I will be a bitch. I know that I shouldn't but sometimes that is what it takes to get left alone.
And alone is what I am feeling now. Totally alone. Can't believe how much it sucks and how much I can hurt myself with these thoughts... Why am I not good enough for certain people (aka Drew, Jordan, etc.) and why can't I get over the fact that they don't want me? One reason is because they send me SOOO many mixed signals that sometimes I believe that they do want me, but are dead set against me for some reason. Jordan its the distance thing, Drew its because he doesn't want me because of that ONE night and because he has it in his head that no one could be attracted to a guy like that....
Anyway... my friends seem to hate me as well. I try to hang out (and I know that I am rarely available to hang out due to working all the time) but I feel like I am getting the cold shoulder, esp. from Brandon. But to each his own, I guess I shouldn't let it bother me... but it does. I love my friends, they are very dear to me. But I guess I am not very dear to them. oh boo hoo for me. Again, I think coming home was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made.
School sucks. I am not even trying anymore. Doesn't matter, wont affect my gpa in Charleston and I will get the credit if I make a C or higher. No ambition to make the A. And the teacher absolutely SUCKS.
Ok... so now I wonder, where is the successful driven woman I was at the beginning of the school year? Who is the little girl I have transformed into? My problem is that I have let my self-esteem get soo low that I can't pick it up. I mean, I know I am an attractive young lady, so why do I feel it necessary to look for guys ONLINE? Why can't I just be normal and meet them outside in the real world?
Oh well... I guess I needed to get this out... my headache has lessen some bit and now I am off to find food before I go and be a slave at Belk for 6 hours (five actually if you take out my one hour lunch/dinner break).