(no subject)
I feel very unsettled right now, and I'm not quite sure why. I just, don't feel right, but I don't feel wrong either. its weird. I have conflicting things going through my head. I feel like doing one thing, but I also feel like doing a completely opposite thing. There are 2 things that I want to do, and feel like I should be doing, both having to do with life decisions. why does it seem so hard for me to take the risk of doing one thing? I know its what I want to do, but it just doesn't seem very reliable. I know that things would probably be easier and more reliable if I do the other... but I can't decide what "the other" would really be. it'd be a tough decision. I just have too many things that I want to do in life. too many things that would feel right and that I want to do. how do I decide? I don't really have the experience doing one of things that I want to do, and I think it would help if I did... but who knows. but, if I choose to try one of the things, it'd be hard to get out of it and choose something else. its so much of a time commitment and also a lot of work, but I know that I would love doing it. I don't really have anything that I definately DON'T want to do... I just have a lot of things that I'm interested in and good at (or at least, that I think I'm good at). It would help so much if someone could just tell me what to pursue, and what to do. I don't want to make the wrong decision and end up not liking what I choose. though, I suppose that if I decide I don't like it, I can choose something else, right? I know what I really really want to do.. I just don't know if I'm good enough at it to actually do it and make it... that, and there's the factor of my shyness and being afraid of rejection and embarrassment. but, when I'm alone, I really love doing it. I love it.. I feel like I come alive when I do it. but, I also feel like I come alive doing other things, just in a different way. maybe I can do 2 things?? well, I suppose one of the things I wouldn't be able to do until next summer anyways. need to save up the money for it too... and maybe get some help with it and some practice. thats what my roomie is for, cuz she's awesome and amazing, and would be a really big help to me. that, and I trust her, so I'm not afraid to do it in front of her. she's one of like, 2 or 3 people that i can actually do it in front of without worrying about embarrassing myself. anyways.. I should go do my homework.