wow... it's been a while...
Really.
Wow.
I never even posted on here when I got home from Finland. My last entry is from when I was still counting down the days 'till I came home.
I think I may have done that subconsciously hoping that if I didn't admit to the livejournal world that I have returned to the States, that maybe I would just remain in Finland forever. I kind wish that's the way it had turned out... but it didn't. And I'm more or less stuck here, basically waiting to get out.
So, I think I'll try to return to the liverjournal world. I was reading my cousin's journal (she's an exchange student in Germany right now) and I thought maybe it would be nice to come back. I don't even know who really uses livejournal anymore and who would read or care about what I write. But, maybe it will be nice to get some of my feelings out, at least electronically, since my "friends" don't really want to listen to what I really need to say.
School is lame. It's the same people, again. A little part of me was really hoping I could be different when I got back to Shores, but Shores is preventing me from being who I was in Finland. I'm so self concious again, and I hate it. I'm rediculously hard on myself again, and I know it's just hurting me, and the people around me. I'm trying to stop, I really am. But, thats how I've been in this environment my whole life, and it's hard to stop something I've been doing for almost 18 years. So, people, give me a break ok? I'm working on it, I promise.
Applying for college is terrifying. I'm so far behind everyone else. My ACT scores are not going to portray who I really am, and I hate that they mean so much to Admissions. I am so much more than what a test says. I hate standardized tests. I hate that we have to prove ourselves with tests. Thats why I want to go to James Madison at MSU, or maybe Albion... we'll see, because I can prove myself through something I'm good at: writing. It has so much more depth to it. I just don't think that being able to choose the right choice out of 5 possible answers is showing my intelligence. But whatever. Its just something I guess we have to do.
Allegros auditions were this week. I wanted the lead, I could have done that role perfectly. And I was actually a top contender for the lead, and thats amazing for me. Molly Lawton even said, "Holy shit!" after I sang my first audtion. Who knew I could sing? And I really think I gave a few people a run for their money at callbacks Thursday night, when I was called back for EVERY lead woman role, and could have been cast as any of them. But, I didn't get the part I wanted. Once again, working hard for a month to get a role that would have fit me perfectly didn't get me the role. Damn politics. I'm the third supporting lead girl. And I get to be funny. And maybe even wear a dress. And scream on stage. It's not me, but I can do it. I'll push though and give Molly whatever she wants. I'll be the best I can be. I just wish I could have been the best... but whatever. I'm more than getting a lead in the play, much more.
Which makes me want to get out of high school so badly. I'm tired of the same. I want new. I want to be around people who don't know me again. Because then I can be the real me. Because even if you say that I can be myself here and it doesn't matter - it's too hard. You just get shut down anyway.
So, thats what I'm thinking. It feels good to get it out. Whats sad is the people that I want to hear this will never read this, and even if I'd try to tell them that, they'd just yell at me and say I was being rediculous and pessimistic. But I can't help what I'm feeling can I?
Sorry if it's depressing. I hope I can get happy again soon. I sincerely hope I can.
(and sorry for the spelling errors. i really don't feel like fixing them)
Wow.
I never even posted on here when I got home from Finland. My last entry is from when I was still counting down the days 'till I came home.
I think I may have done that subconsciously hoping that if I didn't admit to the livejournal world that I have returned to the States, that maybe I would just remain in Finland forever. I kind wish that's the way it had turned out... but it didn't. And I'm more or less stuck here, basically waiting to get out.
So, I think I'll try to return to the liverjournal world. I was reading my cousin's journal (she's an exchange student in Germany right now) and I thought maybe it would be nice to come back. I don't even know who really uses livejournal anymore and who would read or care about what I write. But, maybe it will be nice to get some of my feelings out, at least electronically, since my "friends" don't really want to listen to what I really need to say.
School is lame. It's the same people, again. A little part of me was really hoping I could be different when I got back to Shores, but Shores is preventing me from being who I was in Finland. I'm so self concious again, and I hate it. I'm rediculously hard on myself again, and I know it's just hurting me, and the people around me. I'm trying to stop, I really am. But, thats how I've been in this environment my whole life, and it's hard to stop something I've been doing for almost 18 years. So, people, give me a break ok? I'm working on it, I promise.
Applying for college is terrifying. I'm so far behind everyone else. My ACT scores are not going to portray who I really am, and I hate that they mean so much to Admissions. I am so much more than what a test says. I hate standardized tests. I hate that we have to prove ourselves with tests. Thats why I want to go to James Madison at MSU, or maybe Albion... we'll see, because I can prove myself through something I'm good at: writing. It has so much more depth to it. I just don't think that being able to choose the right choice out of 5 possible answers is showing my intelligence. But whatever. Its just something I guess we have to do.
Allegros auditions were this week. I wanted the lead, I could have done that role perfectly. And I was actually a top contender for the lead, and thats amazing for me. Molly Lawton even said, "Holy shit!" after I sang my first audtion. Who knew I could sing? And I really think I gave a few people a run for their money at callbacks Thursday night, when I was called back for EVERY lead woman role, and could have been cast as any of them. But, I didn't get the part I wanted. Once again, working hard for a month to get a role that would have fit me perfectly didn't get me the role. Damn politics. I'm the third supporting lead girl. And I get to be funny. And maybe even wear a dress. And scream on stage. It's not me, but I can do it. I'll push though and give Molly whatever she wants. I'll be the best I can be. I just wish I could have been the best... but whatever. I'm more than getting a lead in the play, much more.
Which makes me want to get out of high school so badly. I'm tired of the same. I want new. I want to be around people who don't know me again. Because then I can be the real me. Because even if you say that I can be myself here and it doesn't matter - it's too hard. You just get shut down anyway.
So, thats what I'm thinking. It feels good to get it out. Whats sad is the people that I want to hear this will never read this, and even if I'd try to tell them that, they'd just yell at me and say I was being rediculous and pessimistic. But I can't help what I'm feeling can I?
Sorry if it's depressing. I hope I can get happy again soon. I sincerely hope I can.
(and sorry for the spelling errors. i really don't feel like fixing them)