revelation

[kelliegirl09]

So i've decided to stop bitching...i mean, i can't control the way people act or the way they treat me, so i guess i shouldn't even worry about it...i think im turning over a new leaf...if you don't want to talk to me, i don't want to talk to you, you don't like the things i do, fine, i dont really care...i have plenty of friends that would do anything and would drop what they're doing in a second if they ever knew i was in trouble, so i really don't know what i've been bitching about...yes, people that i thought were my friends have recently proven that i was wrong in assuming their return of friendship, but it has only made me stronger...now i know not to call those people...and granted, a lot of things have turned out nothing like what i expected...i think im just going to stop expecting things of people...see, with me, you can only lose respect...like, a lot of people make their friends gain respect, but with me, everyone starts out with an A, and it's up to you to keep it...i trust everyone until they give me a reason not to, which isn't always the best way to work things...in the past few weeks i've expected too much from people...i've expected people to call me back, i've expected people to answer me, i've expected people to hang out with me once in a while, and obviously that's too much to ask from some people...so im done being angry, im through with it...it's a waste of my time and energy and i don't want to deal with it anymore...it's just another beautiful letdown...im just pissed that i keep doing it to myself...sometimes i wish that i was a bitch, and i wish that i wasn't so open to people, but then i wouldn't be myself...im naturally an open person, im naturally friendly to anyone you throw in front of me, and i naturally like hanging out with my friends, but obviously that's not the nature of anyone else...i mean, it's got me thinking a lot about life...like, why do i even care if people call me back? it's because im afraid of losing my friends...but why do we want friends? so that we don't get lonely...why do we fear lonliness? because people say you shouldn't be lonely...wtf i don't know, why is lonliness such a bad thing? i mean, i've always been afraid of it, i've always hated being alone, but i've found in the last few weeks that being alone isn't really that bad...i've been more alone in the last few weeks than i have in my entire life, and at first i hated it, sometimes i would just cry and get all depressed because i felt like the world was ignoring me...but now i've realized that being alone is not such a bad thing after all...i can think about the things that really matter to me when im alone...i can fucking think...and no one laughs at me, no one tells me im stupid, no one says the things i think about are dumb, and no one bothers me...i mean, being alone can suck sometimes, especially for a girl like me...im a romantic at heart, and sometimes the lonliness is enough to kill me, but like i said earlier, these things only make me stronger...i mean, im guessing this could be a bad thing that i like being alone, it's like the pain still keeps coming in but i don't feel it...like, someone has anesthetized my entire body and they keep stabbing me over and over...it's still there, but i don't feel it like i used to...maybe i've become immune to it because i've been this way for so long, i don't know...i just wish that people would stop disappointing me, thus going back to my expectations of people...im done expecting things...im done calling people more than once when they don't call me back...maybe i could just call this taking a hint...i mean, if someone really cares about you, they could at least take 2 minutes out of their day and give you a ring, just to say hi...that's my point of view on the situation...that's it...if people cared, they would show it in some way or another, and im not seeing it at all...but if that is the situation, people are pussies...there's nothing i hate more than liars...seriously, if you don't want me to talk to you or call you or you don't want to hang out or whatever, then just tell me, it won't hurt my feelings...and id rather you tell me you don't want me to call you than have me keep calling you and getting on your nerves and making an ass out of myself...im serious, because im not too good at taking hints, because i always think that people will tell me if they're not my friend anymore...but i forgot that people are pussies...but im not going to bitch about it, because i know i can't change it, and i know people will be pussies forever...whatever, i don't care, fucking be a pussy ass bitch, i don't care...

im just letting all this go, because it's not worth it...why should i chase something that doesn't want to be chased? im just a stupid girl...

so im going to ocean city this weekend to think about some stuff...i can't wait to just sit out on the beach and watch the sun come up...it's amazing, how in such a cluttered place like ocean city, the sunrise can be so calm...no one is up, it's just you and the beach and the dolphins...it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen, and it always relaxes me...so that is my destination this weekend...maybe i'll figure out a few things while im down there