The Kids
The kids are alright. We've done a great job with them. I think they both love having two houses. And they certainly benefit from not having parents they can play off of one another.
That's where it started to get really really hairy. The kids would pick up on unhealthy patterns between their two parents that differed, and they would 100% play us off each other. If mom and dad have very different modes of operation, who's to know what the rules are? If you can stoke a fight between mom and dad and completely get out of doing what you don't want? Why wouldn't you? Why not make the elevated voice ask to please help with the dishes about how mom is being mean? Why not complain to mom, exasperated, because dad only looks at his phone? Why not start a war between your parents when you are trying to figure out how human relationships work together and you see an easy trigger?
I don't blame them. And I don't blame us. We are actually both very decent parents on our own, but we weren't necessarily being the best parents when we were together. Our kids never knew where the rule boundaries settled, so it was a constant battle to pitch us against one another. Just start a fight between mom and dad (so, so easy to do) and sit back after and watch youtube for hours while the fight plays itself out. Boom.
Now that we're apart, our house - our rules. The kids know what they have to do in each place. They know the schedule and flow at each place. There's no confusion. My house, my rules. His house, his rules. Also, for sure, buster and I seem to be fine parents (good ones, even) through text and video calls. We still talk about parenting every day, with no fighting.
I'd like to see some documentation about how kids of separation end up with better models of co-parenting than kids who are sitting with mildly depressed parents, day after day, in the same house. What a fucking privilege, to have two households.
And that's all I really want to say about the kids. They're alright. Good, even. Happy, for sure. We still have family outings. We still communicate freely. All is well.