(no subject)
I am beginning to hate the nighttime.
Because it's when everything shuts down and all is quiet, and those are the conditions that my thoughts love. There is nothing to stop every thought from flooding my head with doubt. I have been over this so many times, and yet with the time till I move getting shorter, the sense that i have no idea what i am doing is getting stronger. Many things come to mind, and though most of th readers have heard it...I need sleep and so in hopes that putting it down here instead of it staying in my head will help, here's a list of my doubts and fears...the way I see them...
1. one of the big ones...that I am going to fail...now this is common to many people, but the fact that my family can't really afford to have me at State, and now with Kacie wanting to go next year, the fact that I may not know what i should be doing yet entering my 4th year is huge. I should know what i am going to do after i graduate. Let's face it, I am not that good of an actress. what ever made me think that I could do it...I must have been insane. I can't act, I can't sing, not well enough to get noticed. I never had the leads in high school what hte hell made me think that this was a good idea? What possessed me to try theater as my new major? the fact that I had roles in high school? only because they had to give you something if you tried out. they were never big. I have lines and a part in a song my senior year, not that big of a deal.
What am I going to do when I am done with school?
Why did I decide I could do this?! I can appreciate theater from the audience, I could even audition in between my regular job...what am I thinking?
2. No idea what to do when out. I have no plan and that scares the shit out of me. I don't know what i am going to do, I need to research the demand for whatever i decide to do.
3. this one is superficial. i don't feel smart when i tell people my major is theater. it's vain, but I don't. mostly cause i don't know what i am going to do with it. I have actually asked Robert if he ever wishes that i had a major that required me to be smarter. I feel ashamed of me enough for him some times. What is wrong with me?! LOL this is stupid, but I can't help it.
4. I am scared for the future. this one is way out there, and assuming alot. but I am a girl and totally in love, so knowing that Robert loves me, and imaging that he still does, and we get more seriuos. Where will that leave us when we are both looking for jobs. If I end up where i want to be, is he gonna wait for me to do my Broadway thing? ok this one, i feel dumb writing about...
Why couldn't I have just been one of those people who wanted a normal job, a 9-5 er, teacher, lawyer, business woman, something that is not...me. I can't see myself doing anything else, which is the porblem, I have no back up plan...what do I do if I suck at theater? or if i don't get a job that has anything to do with it? then everything would have been a waste.
Please don't leave comments, I don't really need them. this was just to get it all out. maybe i will stop thinking about it.
I don't know what to do.
this is the second time i have left woe is me entries on this in the last week. I am sorry to those who might actually read them. I just need a vent place sometimes.
Because it's when everything shuts down and all is quiet, and those are the conditions that my thoughts love. There is nothing to stop every thought from flooding my head with doubt. I have been over this so many times, and yet with the time till I move getting shorter, the sense that i have no idea what i am doing is getting stronger. Many things come to mind, and though most of th readers have heard it...I need sleep and so in hopes that putting it down here instead of it staying in my head will help, here's a list of my doubts and fears...the way I see them...
1. one of the big ones...that I am going to fail...now this is common to many people, but the fact that my family can't really afford to have me at State, and now with Kacie wanting to go next year, the fact that I may not know what i should be doing yet entering my 4th year is huge. I should know what i am going to do after i graduate. Let's face it, I am not that good of an actress. what ever made me think that I could do it...I must have been insane. I can't act, I can't sing, not well enough to get noticed. I never had the leads in high school what hte hell made me think that this was a good idea? What possessed me to try theater as my new major? the fact that I had roles in high school? only because they had to give you something if you tried out. they were never big. I have lines and a part in a song my senior year, not that big of a deal.
What am I going to do when I am done with school?
Why did I decide I could do this?! I can appreciate theater from the audience, I could even audition in between my regular job...what am I thinking?
2. No idea what to do when out. I have no plan and that scares the shit out of me. I don't know what i am going to do, I need to research the demand for whatever i decide to do.
3. this one is superficial. i don't feel smart when i tell people my major is theater. it's vain, but I don't. mostly cause i don't know what i am going to do with it. I have actually asked Robert if he ever wishes that i had a major that required me to be smarter. I feel ashamed of me enough for him some times. What is wrong with me?! LOL this is stupid, but I can't help it.
4. I am scared for the future. this one is way out there, and assuming alot. but I am a girl and totally in love, so knowing that Robert loves me, and imaging that he still does, and we get more seriuos. Where will that leave us when we are both looking for jobs. If I end up where i want to be, is he gonna wait for me to do my Broadway thing? ok this one, i feel dumb writing about...
Why couldn't I have just been one of those people who wanted a normal job, a 9-5 er, teacher, lawyer, business woman, something that is not...me. I can't see myself doing anything else, which is the porblem, I have no back up plan...what do I do if I suck at theater? or if i don't get a job that has anything to do with it? then everything would have been a waste.
Please don't leave comments, I don't really need them. this was just to get it all out. maybe i will stop thinking about it.
I don't know what to do.
this is the second time i have left woe is me entries on this in the last week. I am sorry to those who might actually read them. I just need a vent place sometimes.