seriously
i don't want to do interior design anymore. i hate it as of late. i actually want to quit school for a bit and work my ass off so i can save up some money. i'm in such a rut. a big rut because my whole life is just crashing down on me. i hate my major, i hate this house, i hate my car, i hate my clothes, i hate the depressing situations i keep falling into, i hate my weight, i hate this stress. and i'm making it even more stressful because i just let it consume and unmotivate me. i get so lost in the stress. i tried to do something about it. i think the internet makes me even more stressed. becasue i feel like its my duty to let the internet know when i'm happy or sad. its like my job. and it cuts into my time to do other things. so i tried to stay off, and the one day i was so super motivated to have a constructive day i got called in to work. freedom exsists practically nowhere. held down by a job, by school, by money, by shitty people. attacked. attacked. i want to have so much faith that God wouldn't let this be tied so tightly around my heart, but it is so tight and i don't understand anything. its that over analyzing thing. God, why would you let me be sad for over a year? why would you keep allowing these boys to come into my life, say they like me, and then screw me over for a "better" girl, when we both know i would treat them so much better. why God? and then i'm like he didn't do that to me, i did that to myself. and now i just don't understand why i'm not getting a pick up. i need a pick me up. seriously God, i don't wnat to smoke or drink or have sex, but if i keep feeling like this for very much longer i think i'm just going to slip into the enemy's hand. i'm just going to do gosh please. do i have to beg. i mean i don't know what to do. i wouldn't believe that i deserved this, but maybe i do. no i dont. no i dont. i said i was sorry and you forgot about all my previous sins, you forgot them because i meant it. so now i really don't understand.