instinct & taste | prologue
“Cookery is not chemistry. It is an art. It requires instinct
and taste rather than exact measurements.” Marcel Boulestin
"Life sucks, so treat yourself to something sinfully delicious
once in a while. Preferably something with a lot of butter." Jensen Ackles
EIGHT MONTHS AGO
THE MACINTOSH
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
“If you tell me not to go, Jen, I won’t.”
Jensen’s mojito sorbet has melted into a pale green puddle-mint, lime, and sugar rendered inedible. He pushes through the mess with his spoon, unable to look his brother in the eye.
Josh can’t leave. He’s the keystone at the center of Jensen’s world, and has been for the last seven years. Without him, everything that Jensen has built with careful consideration would collapse. Jensen’s life is imperfect-it’s wall-to-wall chaos most of the time-but he never imagined having to rip out such a huge piece.
“Seriously, bro. You’ve gotta talk to me.”
Jensen considers being cruel; the words are on the tip of his tongue. Josh wouldn’t even be surprised if he were. No one understands Jensen better than his brother, so Josh must know the direction his thoughts are taking.
If he tells Josh to stay, Jensen is positive he would-big brothers are supposed to make sacrifices. They’d never talk about it again, but Jensen would always carry the burden of denying Josh this amazing opportunity to work overseas for his law firm.
Across the white tablecloth, he sees Josh’s hope beginning to crumble, and Jensen can’t avoid the fact that he’s being a selfish asshole, as usual.
“Is Gemma excited to go?”
“Wow, I mean, you have no idea,” Josh tells him. He eats the melted sorbet whereas Jensen won’t spare it another glance. “She’s always wanted to travel the world like her parents. And she’s got a few friends in Hong Kong already, so it’ll be easy for her.”
Even though Jensen knows he’s going to say yes, there’s a part of him that wants to see Josh squirm. He wants the decision to be tough.
“And easy for you?”
“C’mon, man. You know this is killing me.” Josh looks rough tonight, Jensen can admit. He’d picked listlessly at the artisanal Paccheri pasta and local shrimp Jensen had recommended, skin thin and dark around his eyes as if he hasn’t been sleeping. Jensen’s a little satisfied to see the signs; he knows he’ll be in the same shape if Josh really does abandon him.
“If I thought you’d even consider it,” Josh says, “I’d ask you to move with me. It’s only a couple of years, max, and the restaurants in Hong Kong are world-class. I know some guys-”
“No way,” Jensen cuts his brother off. “I finally have the chance to run my own kitchen. That’s always been my dream, Josh.”
“I thought your dream was to buy your own restaurant, not take orders from someone else.”
“But Pierre and I are on the same page about everything,” Jensen insists. “He’s leaving the menu entirely up to me, and in a few months, we’ll have one of the best restaurants in Charleston. I can’t throw that away when I’m this close.”
“And I’d never ask you to,” Josh says, sincerity in the calm timbre of his voice and the drooping line of his shoulders. Jensen wants to smack him for turning the conversation around.
“Right.”
“You’re being”-Josh pauses as a server’s assistant refills their barely touched waters-“a little ridiculous, Jen. I know you want me to stay, and there’s a huge part of me that thinks I should stay to make your life easier.”
Jensen fires back, words harsh and low to keep them from reaching the next table. It wouldn’t do for anyone on the restaurant’s staff to tattle on him. “It’s not just that! You’re talking about leaving me with your house, not to mention your dogs, for the entire time you’re off living in Asia.”
“I actually thought you’d be okay with that part.”
“Okay with what?” Jensen blurts out, louder than he intends. “You thought I’d be okay with moving farther away from downtown and having to commute?”
“It’s only five minutes from the crosstown-”
“That I’d work my schedule around your dogs instead of my kitchen?”
“Gemma’s already put together a list of reliable dog-walkers-”
“Or being even farther from my friends?”
“Jensen…” Josh’s soft tone steals the wind from Jensen’s sails. The gentle repetition of his name is kinder than if he had said, Jensen, you don’t have any friends.
During the ensuing stand-off, while Josh looks at Jensen with that deep, thoughtful gaze and Jensen tries to look anywhere except his brother’s face, their server clears their plates and efficiently whisks any wayward crumbs off the tablecloth. Jensen sends the bill back with one of his cards and isn’t surprised when it’s returned listing only the wine. There’s a handwritten note from Nathan, the head chef, on the back apologizing for not being able to leave the kitchen.
Eventually, Josh breaks the silence. “I really, really want to do this, Jen,” he says, making Jensen feel even lousier. “We made a really big change after Mom and Dad passed away, moving here and starting over. And then you and I settled into this really comfortable routine, which has worked out for the last seven years, but we both need another change. The timing couldn’t be better since Pierre just promoted you to head chef.”
“That was a coincidence,” Jensen mutters, hating the way the word feels in his mouth. Just like it was a coincidence that Mom and Dad were on their way home from my graduation when they were killed.
“Don’t think of it that way.” Josh’s voice is delicate as if he knows where Jensen’s thoughts have suddenly veered off to and he’s trying not to follow. “We’ve both worked so hard, Jen, and this is the result. Don’t you remember what we told each other when we got here?”
Jensen sighs. The words might as well be tattooed across his chest. “Keep moving forward.”
Josh gives him a half-smile. “It’s not as if we can stop now.”
It’s a silent struggle, but Jensen buries every single one of his selfish urges. He’ll break down later when he’s not holding Josh’s hopes and aspirations on a platter. Right now, his heart won’t let him disappoint his big brother.
“You’d better suck it up, then, because we’re going to be hanging out a lot before you leave,” Jensen tells Josh, eyes stinging under the threat of tears. “No whining or saying, ‘I’m too tired’ when I get off late and want to go out. And you and Gemma are coming to Riverside for dinner at least twice a week until you go. Okay?
“Are you kidding?” Josh laughs, the bright sound attracting more than one stare. “She’ll be thrilled. You know the only thing she loves more than me is your cooking.”
Josh’s eyes are wet, soaking up the golden gleam of the bistro’s artistic lighting. Jensen’s resistance crumbles and soon the two of them are tearing up in one of Charleston’s premiere restaurants-Jensen is going to have to put up with so much crap when this gets back to Nate. But in this moment, they’re two brothers, all that’s left of the Ackles family, sharing sorrow and excitement at a corner table.
And it won’t be the last time Jensen cries over Josh’s decision.
PART ONE