Soundtrack of Your Life - kellbelles (R)
Title: Soundtrack of Your Life (Or Five Songs Lilly Kane Never Heard)
Author: Kel
Characters/Pairings: Lilly/Logan, Lilly/Weevil, Logan/Veronica, and a lot of others mentioned.
Rating: R (Just to be safe. There's some strong language and sexual references.)
Word Count: 4,249
Spoilers: I'll say all of season one, just in case.
Summary: Five songs Lilly Kane never heard (and in some cases, she's probably glad she didn't).
Notes: Written for the 5thingsthat challenge, because I'm a music geek and define my life by songs. Good ones, bad ones, and the 'oh so bad they're good' ones. And when pondering this challenge, all I could think was 'If I died tomorrow, think of all the music I'd miss'. I associate periods of my life with certain songs, and here's what would happen if Lilly did the same. Also, I really am that much of a freak, because I looked up the release date of each song to make sure they came out after October 3rd, 2003. And, if you're interested: Lilly Kane's Playlist. You've probably heard them all, but I thought it would be nice to have them all there while reading. Huge thanks to Katie for betaing.
Track I. Someday ~ Nickelback
‘How the hell’d we wind up like this…’
“God, Veronica! He’s playing it again! My ears are bleeding,” turning from the window, she walked to the bed and fell back on it dramatically, “make him stop.”
Veronica rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you just go talk to him?”
“Because,” Lilly propped herself up on her elbows, gazing up at her best friend, “I’m avoiding him. Playing hard to get, remember?”
“For six weeks?”
“Oh, Veronica,” sighing, her head dropped back in exasperation, “have I taught you nothing? And this is why you and Duncan are still residing in Splitsville.”
Frowning, Veronica made no comment, concentrating on a piece of string that was unraveling from the comforter on Lilly’s bed, twisting it around her finger.
Lilly sat up, crossing her legs Indian style, and placed a hand on Veronica’s arm. “Look, if anyone can get through to Logan, it’s you. Just go out there and tell him to lay off the Nickelback before Celeste has your dad haul him in for disturbing the peace.”
“Fine,” she relented, standing and smoothing her pleated white skirt, “but you’re going to have to deal with him sooner or later.”
“Right, right,” Lilly waved her off, already thumbing through the latest issue of Cosmo she’d just grabbed off the nightstand, “I will. Later.”
Shaking her head, Veronica stepped into the hallway and almost ran right into Duncan.
“Um…hey,” she said, trying her best to appear nonchalant.
He wouldn’t even look at her, dismissing her with a short nod before brushing past and disappearing into his room.
Her shoulders began slumping in defeat, but then she changed her mind; straightening, she lifted her chin a little higher and continued on her way. Lilly’s dirty work had to be done, whether she liked it or not.
When she reached the driveway, she found Logan’s Xterra parked there, all the doors wide open for maximum blasting of the song playing on continuous loop. He was sitting on the driver’s side staring straight ahead, his jaw set tight, profile unreadable. Although she saw his gaze shift in her direction, so she knew he was aware of her presence.
Walking up to the SUV, she shouted, “Logan!”
He didn’t acknowledge her, but reached out and turned down the volume, which she took as her cue to speak.
“So, Lloyd Dobbler,” she teased, her tone lighthearted, “couldn’t find your boom box?”
Keeping his gaze fixed on the windshield, he didn’t respond, but Veronica noticed the corner of his mouth twitch slightly so she went with it. “At least Lloyd had better taste in music. I mean, Nickelback, Logan? Were they all out of Air Supply?”
He shrugged. “I knew it would annoy her.”
“Well, yes, that’s a good idea, in theory, and it definitely had the desired effect, on some of us at least,” her hand involuntarily went to her ear, rubbing it lightly, “but you forget that Lilly Kane rarely handles her own affairs.”
“She sent you out here to get rid of me.”
He wasn’t questioning, but stating the obvious, resigned to the fact this was all pointless.
She could almost hear his heart breaking, and couldn’t bear to make it any worse, trying to soften the blow. “She showed me the letter you wrote her the day of the carwash. So I know in your head you get that it’s over. Maybe just give it some time and your heart will catch up, and you can move on.”
He knew her too well to buy into the bullshit. “Oh really, Veronica? Is that what you’re doing?”
Indignant at his accusation, she opened her mouth to refute him, but couldn’t come up with anything. She was in exactly the same place he was, stuck in the past and pining for what might have been. It was useless to deny it.
“No,” she admitted, her voice breaking slightly, slamming her eyes shut to keep the tears from flowing.
Regaining her composure, she raised her lids to find Logan standing directly in front of her, one of his large hands coming to rest gently on her shoulder. Wanting to offer the same comfort, Veronica lifted her gaze to his face, a gasp escaping her lips at what she saw there.
His breath reeking of Tequila, his cheeks were red and blotchy, as if he’d been crying. But it was the fresh, jagged purple bruise covering his right eye that nearly knocked the wind from her. It was then she realized this might not be about Lilly at all.
Staring her down, he seemed to be issuing a challenge, expecting her to run away like everyone else.
She never could back down from a dare, especially one coming from Logan Echolls.
Unable to keep her emotions completely in check, a lone tear slipping down her cheek, she took a step forward. Reaching up to gingerly graze the discolored and swollen skin with just the tips of her fingers, she then slid them down, cupping his cheek.
Logan’s whole body seemed to sag, leaning in to her palm as if her tiny hand was the only thing holding him up. Releasing a shaky breath, he placed his hand over hers, clinging for dear life as he choked out, “It hurts, Veronica,” before crumbling into her arms.
Overwhelmed by his sudden emotional break, she recovered quickly, her instinct to console him more natural than it should be. “I know,” she whispered, stroking his hair as she held him, “I know.”
From a window on the second floor, Lilly watched this exchange, her once disinterested demeanor hardening. It had been too quiet, too much time passing since Veronica left, so she went to investigate, never dreaming she’d see this.
Maybe six weeks of playing hard to get was too long after all.
Track II. Heaven ~ Los Lonely Boys
‘Save me from this prison, Lord, help me get away…’
Lilly’s boisterous laugh echoed off the walls of the tiny hotel room, angering her companion.
“What? What’s so funny?” he demanded.
“Did you make this mix tape yourself, Eli?” she asked, her voice drenched in sweetness, big blue eyes the very picture of innocence, but he knew she was mocking him.
“So what if I did?” he replied gruffly, sitting up and pushing her off him.
Landing flat on her back on the mattress, Lilly didn’t bother to hide her naked form. “Fuck, Weevil,” she snapped, “I know I like it rough, but that was uncalled for. I was only teasing.”
He was already out of bed and pulling on his jeans. “I’m tired of playing games, Lilly.”
“That’s not what you were saying forty-five minutes ago.” Rolling on her side to face him, she propped up her head with her hand, smiling seductively. “Come on, lover. Just quit pouting and come back to bed. Lilly will make it all better.”
He pulled his t-shirt over his head, yanking it down over his torso. “You’re never going to break up with him, are you?”
“I’ve dumped Logan plenty of times.”
“Yeah, but it never seems to stay that way, now does it?” She opened her mouth to answer, but he cut her off. “You know what I don’t get? Why you’ve kept me around for the last year. From what I’ve seen, Lilly Kane bores easily, trades up for a newer model every chance she gets. So what am I, I’m not good enough for you to ditch Echolls, yet you still want me around on the side?” He took a few steps closer to her, his voice softening. “What am I to you, Lilly?”
My salvation. My freedom. My sanity.
Beginning to crack under his penetrating gaze, she was momentarily at a loss, a shaky sigh passing through her lips involuntarily. But she recovered quickly, her voice devoid of any emotion when she answered, “A good fuck.”
Weevil laughed bitterly, her reply not even shocking him. “From now on you can fuck someone else over.” Walking to the door, he slipped on his shoes, not bothering to tie the laces. “I’m done playing sloppy seconds, or thirds. Who knows what number you’re on. I’m out.”
He was out the door before she could stop him, and she wasn’t really sure she wanted to.
They’d had this fight before, but he always came back.
This time, she knew he was gone for good.
After Aaron, she’d fucked her way through some of Neptune’s most prominent men-Dick’s dad, Deputy Lamb, Mayor Goodman, and countless other nameless, faceless rich bastards forgotten even before the bed was cold.
Breathing deeply, she rolled onto her back, the sheets still warm, his scent engulfing her, and she told herself the sting in her eyes was nothing.
She wasn’t sure how long she stared at the ceiling, ignoring the warm liquid that spilled down her cheeks, dampening the pillow cradling her head.
The ceiling was cracked and peeling, badly in need of repair, and one thought kept running through her mind.
I know the feeling.
‘Cause only you can save me now, from this misery…’
Track III. You and Me ~ Lifehouse
‘And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you…’
“This song totally blows,” Lilly declared, as if merely voicing her opinion made it an irrefutable truth.
“I don’t know,” Logan shrugged, “I think it’s kind of sweet.”
She rolled her eyes. “You would.”
She waited for Logan to take offense, overreact with his usual wounded puppy dog routine, but realized he wasn’t even paying attention anymore. Following his line of vision, she
glanced over her shoulder, her eyes coming to rest on a forlorn looking Veronica sitting alone at one of the tables.
Logan was barely touching her waist now, his feet firmly planted in one spot, forgetting they were supposed to be dancing. “I can’t believe you made Veronica come to the prom with Dick,” he said, never taking his eyes from the petite blonde.
“This is the prom, my last big hurrah at Neptune High. I couldn’t have Veronica miss out. It’s her duty as my best friend to bask in my fabulousness. Besides, isn’t it better than her sitting at home, wallowing over Donut?”
“Yeah, because being here to watch him make out wit
h Meg is so much better.”
“Why don’t you go ask her to dance,” she blurted out, spying her own distraction out of the corner of her eye. The members of the PCH bike club had just crashed the prom.
“What?” Logan was confused until he noticed the leather-clad contingent currently taking over the dance floor. “Right,” smirking bitterly, he backed away from her, “I get it. Haven’t you fucked him out of your system yet…you know what? Never mind. It’s not like I’d expect anything less from you.” He shook his head, and then brushed past her, giving a short, sarcastic chuckle. “Classic Lilly Kane.”
His insults barely registered, all her focus on Weevil’s retreating form, and she wasted no time in chasing after him.
Making his way over to Veronica, Logan didn’t trouble himself to watch her go.
“May I have this dance?” he asked, extending his hand with a flourish.
Veronica looked up, brows knit in confusion. “Where’s Lilly?”
“Right about now, I’d say she’s taking a ride on Weevil’s hog.”
“But I thought Lilly was ‘done with him’. I think those were her exact words.”
“Sometimes I think it’s the other way around, but I didn’t come over here to speculate on the status of my girlfriend’s extra-relationship activities.”
“Is that even a word?”
“What?”
“Extra-relationship. I really don’t think it is.”
“It’s like extramarital, except Lilly and I aren’t married so…would you just fucking dance with me already, Veronica.”
“Wow, Logan. How can a girl say no to that offer?”
He gestured over his shoulder. “I could go find Dick.”
“Dick left with Madison an hour ago.”
“But I thought they broke up…” Suddenly, realization dawned. “Wait, this is like déjà vu or something. Weren’t we just having this conversation? Different couple, same tired scenario? Either that, or I’m drunker than I thought.”
“That would explain your sudden interest in dancing with me. The beer goggles have been poured on.”
“If she’s a two at ten, she’ll be a ten at two.”
“And I turn into a pumpkin at twelve,” she sighed, looking at her watch and getting up to leave.
“Veronica,” he blocked her path of exit, “you know I don’t need to be under the influence to wanna dance with you.”
Pondering this for a moment, Veronica broke into a grin, her lips curling into the first genuine smile he’d seen her give all night, and his own mouth mimicked hers in response.
Offering his hand once more, he asked, “So, what do you say, Mars?”
“Sure,” she finally caved, accepting his hand and allowing him to pull her onto the dance floor, “why not? It’s not like I have many options.”
“Well, just in case anyone asks, I am a little tipsy.”
“Big surprise there.”
Winking at her, he gingerly splayed his fingers over her waist. “And no funny stuff. I want your hands where I can see them at all times.”
“Please,” she groaned, her hands coming up to rest on his shoulders, “the last thing I want to do is grab your ass.”
“Who said anything about my ass? I was referring to my ears, which have been known to drive many a woman wild. You’re the one who brought up my ass, so who’s the freak now?”
“Shut up, Logan.”
“You so want my ass.”
“I do not!”
Grinning wickedly, Logan cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting at the top of his lungs, “Attention all Juniors and Seniors of Neptune High, Veronica Mars wants my ass!”
Veronica’s eyes went wide with horror, her humiliation written all over her face in deep red. “Logan Echolls, I am going to kill--”
Her words of revenge were replaced with a shriek of surprise as Logan whirled her around, spinning and twirling her in crazy circles, until she was dizzy with laughter, their comical dance routine finally ending in a dramatic dip.
And then neither one of them was breathing anymore.
‘What day is it, and in what month? This clock never seemed so alive…’
The song was over, replaced by a much louder, faster tune, but they were completely oblivious, still frozen in place, suspended in an awkward pose, and yet somehow nothing had ever felt more right.
Drowning in a sea of blue, he wanted to dive into her eyes and get lost, stay there forever. His lips hovering dangerously over hers, he knew he had to claim them. He had no choice.
Slowly, he guided them back to an upright position, keeping his arms tightly wound around her, afraid if he let go even a little bit the spell would be broken. He could feel her trembling, knew he had to go slow lest he scare her away. Bringing his hand up to her face, he gently caressed her check, offering reassurance, before threading his fingers through her long, golden tresses.
It was at that moment Lilly returned, stalking into the room following a rather nasty rejection by Weevil. He still refused to listen to anything she had to say, so now Logan had to help her lick her wounds.
Except Logan was in the middle of the floor with his hands tangled in Veronica’s hair looking at her like he was desperate to kiss her, like she was the only girl in the room he could see.
Too bad it would never happen.
Bounding over to them, she exclaimed brightly, “Hey guys! Are we ready for the after-party? This prom is not nearly stunning enough for me.”
Startled by her sudden appearance, they quickly leapt apart.
Veronica was the first to speak, jumping in to explain. “Lilly! We were just…”
“Dancing,” Lilly nodded easily, “I know. You were sitting over there looking all kinds of pathetic so I told Logan to ask you.”
“Oh…” Veronica’s face fell, and Lilly almost felt sorry for her.
Almost.
She couldn’t have her best friend and her boyfriend realize what she’d known all along.
They weren’t allowed to love anyone but her.
“So Veronica,” slinging her arm around her friend, she began leading her away, “I was thinking.”
When a still dazed and crestfallen Logan didn’t follow, she glared back at him in a silent order for him to come.
Scowling, he reluctantly obeyed.
“You know what we should do tomorrow?” Lilly continued.
Veronica forced a smile. “What?”
“Go get your hair cut.”
Track IV. Hollaback Girl ~ Gwen Stefani
‘Both of us wanna be the winner, but there can only be one…’
“Oh, this is so my jam!” Lilly practically bounced out of her seat, scrambling to turn up the volume. “Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl, I ain’t no hollaback girl,” she belted out, loudly and off key.
“Lilly, please.” Logan was not in the mood. “Can we please not pay homage to Gwen Stefani tonight?”
“Oh no, I am not letting you step on my buzz, just because your big bad daddy yelled at you today. Get over it, Echolls. This is my last night of freedom before I head for the halls of higher learning, and we’re living it up.”
“Are you saying you actually plan on going to class?” Veronica snapped from the backseat.
“Are you implying I don’t take my studies seriously?”
“Yes,” she came back sharply.
“God, not you too, Veronica,” she whined in response to Veronica’s obvious bad mood. “What is with you people tonight?”
“Life is one big party for you, Lilly. I hardly think you’ll let college get in the way of that,” Logan said.
“But Hearst is an esteemed university, and I plan on taking full advantage.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to college in Neptune,” Veronica sighed, running a hand through her layered, choppy locks. Her hair was finally growing back, almost reaching her shoulders now. “I plan on getting the hell out of here.”
“Don’t you think I tried? Celeste threatened to cut off my trust fund if I even stepped one foot over the county line.”
“Is Duncan settling in at Dartmouth alright?” Logan asked, his gaze involuntarily shifting to the rearview mirror, colliding with Veronica’s.
“You know Donut, always properly prepared for anything. I’m sure he’s organizing his underwear drawer as we speak.”
“I think it's kind of weird he took all those extra courses so he could graduate early.”
“Come on, Veronica. I’ll say it again, this is Duncan. He practically came out of the womb with a ‘to do’ list. Granted it was written by my father, but Duncan always buys into everything Celeste and Jake try to sell. They ‘suggested’ early graduation and he took the bait, hook, line and sinker.”
“I have to say I was surprised at his sudden desire to get away so quickly,” Logan admitted. “He never seemed too keen on the idea until…” His voice trailed off for a moment, as he glanced in the rearview mirror again, and then quickly changed the subject. “Is she saying ‘I ain’t no Harlem fat girl’?”
“It’s hollaback girl,” Lilly corrected, enunciating each syllable perfectly.
“Because it totally sounds like Harlem fat girl.”
“How does that even make any sense?”
“And hollaback girl isn’t ridiculous at all,” Logan mocked.
“Veronica, settle this,” Lilly demanded, swiveling around in her seat. “What do you think?”
“This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S,” she deadpanned in perfect timing.
Logan grinned. “Nice, Veronica.”
Lilly was not amused. “Oh no, you two are not allowed to gang up on me.”
“Well, we’ve got to start practicing, sticking together, solidarity in numbers and all that,” Logan reasoned.
Lilly had no idea what he was talking about. “For what?”
“Life without you, of course.”
He waited a beat just to watch her reaction, her gaping mouth and wide incredulous eyes totally worth it.
“You know, ‘cause you’re going to college and we’re still in high school,” he explained slowly. “Duh, Lilly. Try to keep up.”
“Whatever.” She attempted to laugh him off, but it was a little too loud and hollow. “It’s not like I won’t be right down the road. We’ll see each other all the time. It’ll be like I never even left. I mean really, what would you guys do without me and my awesomeness?”
His eyes were pulled to the mirror a third time, not surprised to find Veronica looking back. They shared a conspiratorial smirk, Logan winking at her slyly.
“I’m sure we’ll think of something.”
Track V. Boston ~ Augustana
'You don’t know me, you don’t even care; You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains…'
The sun was just beginning to rise, a soft pink glow peeking up over the vast horizon before her, and she thought of Veronica.
Her favorite color is pink, no matter how much she protests otherwise.
The ocean seemed endless, the waters calm with only gentle ripples of waves rolling over it. They appeared to be trying to lap at the sun, wanting to reach up and grab a piece of the hazy, rosy hue, and she thought of Logan.
Logan loves the ocean.
This was their beach, the four of them, back before it all fell apart.
If she looked hard enough, she could still make out their ghostly outlines, stumbling along the shoreline, laughing over silly drinking games. But even the specters of their former selves were fading, and soon she’d be all alone.
They came to her last night to break the news.
Logan walked through the door first, Veronica following after hesitating a few seconds. Not so much because she might change her mind, but because she still couldn’t believe they were finally doing it.
Lilly had known all along, of course, even before visits became more and more sporadic, dates and trips to the mall were broken, and phone calls never returned. Although not much distance separated them, Logan and Veronica seemed to be in their own little world once she was out of the equation.
She could’ve tried to stop it, had done so many times before, but she was just so very tired.
Getting caught up in college life, finding new conquests, deciding which sorority to pledge and which hot professor to sleep with next kept her busy and drifting. There was always some party, some new drug to casually experiment with, and more ways to piss off her mother than she’d ever imagined. College Lilly was even more fabulous than high school Lilly.
Except now she was fabulously alone.
Weevil disappeared sometime last fall after his grandmother passed away. He always said she was the only thing keeping him here.
Secretly, Lilly always hoped it was more than that.
He didn’t say goodbye.
At least Logan and Veronica gave her that much.
“I love her,” he’d said, and Lilly didn’t miss the way he reached for her hand, intertwining his fingers through hers. “We’re…we’re in love.”
She smiled. “I know.”
“We wanted to tell you for so long, but…” Veronica began, but Lilly interrupted.
“Lord, Veronica, grow a pair, okay.” Her order should’ve been harsh, but she was laughing. “It’s not like Logan and I are even together. We haven’t been, not really, for a long time. I know you want him, so don’t apologize for it. Go for it, just this once.”
Veronica nodded, squaring her shoulders, her head held high, and Lilly liked to think she was responsible for her newfound confidence. In some twisted way, she could even take credit for Logan and Veronica, reconciling in her mind she was the cause of their union. She was kinda great like that.
But then there was more.
“We’re leaving.”
“For like vacation? I hear Catalina’s great this time of year.”
“No,” Logan shook his head, “Veronica’s been accepted to Harvard.”
“I know. Hello,” she gestured to herself, “she won the Kane Scholarship.”
They remained silent, both with expectant looks adorning their faces.
“What, you’re not actually going, are you? I mean, I always thought you’d go to Hearst with me.”
“I’m sorry, Lilly,” Veronica apologized, her voice breaking slightly.
Though she wasn’t able to speak, Lilly’s smile never faltered.
“I’m…I’m going with her.”
Incredulous, Lilly found her voice again. “You got in to Harvard?”
“No…I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet…but I can’t stay here…my dad…”
He bowed his head, and Veronica squeezed his hand tighter, and that’s when Lilly began to wonder if she’d ever really known either one of them at all.
They were like two strangers standing in front of her, two ghosts already beginning to fade even before they left the room.
Now they were gone, and she was alone.
Really alone.
Standing, she reached her arms toward the sky, stretching her stiff, tired muscles.
The way she saw it, there were only two things she could do.
Be fabulous.
Or be even more fabulous.
Smiling to herself, she quickly removed the headphones from her ears, the song she’d been playing over and over for the past few hours fading on the breeze, and then she was shedding her tank top and bra, her jean shorts and thongs quickly following.
She took off at top speed, dashing for the water.
And she didn’t look back.
~
Author: Kel
Characters/Pairings: Lilly/Logan, Lilly/Weevil, Logan/Veronica, and a lot of others mentioned.
Rating: R (Just to be safe. There's some strong language and sexual references.)
Word Count: 4,249
Spoilers: I'll say all of season one, just in case.
Summary: Five songs Lilly Kane never heard (and in some cases, she's probably glad she didn't).
Notes: Written for the 5thingsthat challenge, because I'm a music geek and define my life by songs. Good ones, bad ones, and the 'oh so bad they're good' ones. And when pondering this challenge, all I could think was 'If I died tomorrow, think of all the music I'd miss'. I associate periods of my life with certain songs, and here's what would happen if Lilly did the same. Also, I really am that much of a freak, because I looked up the release date of each song to make sure they came out after October 3rd, 2003. And, if you're interested: Lilly Kane's Playlist. You've probably heard them all, but I thought it would be nice to have them all there while reading. Huge thanks to Katie for betaing.
Track I. Someday ~ Nickelback
‘How the hell’d we wind up like this…’
“God, Veronica! He’s playing it again! My ears are bleeding,” turning from the window, she walked to the bed and fell back on it dramatically, “make him stop.”
Veronica rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you just go talk to him?”
“Because,” Lilly propped herself up on her elbows, gazing up at her best friend, “I’m avoiding him. Playing hard to get, remember?”
“For six weeks?”
“Oh, Veronica,” sighing, her head dropped back in exasperation, “have I taught you nothing? And this is why you and Duncan are still residing in Splitsville.”
Frowning, Veronica made no comment, concentrating on a piece of string that was unraveling from the comforter on Lilly’s bed, twisting it around her finger.
Lilly sat up, crossing her legs Indian style, and placed a hand on Veronica’s arm. “Look, if anyone can get through to Logan, it’s you. Just go out there and tell him to lay off the Nickelback before Celeste has your dad haul him in for disturbing the peace.”
“Fine,” she relented, standing and smoothing her pleated white skirt, “but you’re going to have to deal with him sooner or later.”
“Right, right,” Lilly waved her off, already thumbing through the latest issue of Cosmo she’d just grabbed off the nightstand, “I will. Later.”
Shaking her head, Veronica stepped into the hallway and almost ran right into Duncan.
“Um…hey,” she said, trying her best to appear nonchalant.
He wouldn’t even look at her, dismissing her with a short nod before brushing past and disappearing into his room.
Her shoulders began slumping in defeat, but then she changed her mind; straightening, she lifted her chin a little higher and continued on her way. Lilly’s dirty work had to be done, whether she liked it or not.
When she reached the driveway, she found Logan’s Xterra parked there, all the doors wide open for maximum blasting of the song playing on continuous loop. He was sitting on the driver’s side staring straight ahead, his jaw set tight, profile unreadable. Although she saw his gaze shift in her direction, so she knew he was aware of her presence.
Walking up to the SUV, she shouted, “Logan!”
He didn’t acknowledge her, but reached out and turned down the volume, which she took as her cue to speak.
“So, Lloyd Dobbler,” she teased, her tone lighthearted, “couldn’t find your boom box?”
Keeping his gaze fixed on the windshield, he didn’t respond, but Veronica noticed the corner of his mouth twitch slightly so she went with it. “At least Lloyd had better taste in music. I mean, Nickelback, Logan? Were they all out of Air Supply?”
He shrugged. “I knew it would annoy her.”
“Well, yes, that’s a good idea, in theory, and it definitely had the desired effect, on some of us at least,” her hand involuntarily went to her ear, rubbing it lightly, “but you forget that Lilly Kane rarely handles her own affairs.”
“She sent you out here to get rid of me.”
He wasn’t questioning, but stating the obvious, resigned to the fact this was all pointless.
She could almost hear his heart breaking, and couldn’t bear to make it any worse, trying to soften the blow. “She showed me the letter you wrote her the day of the carwash. So I know in your head you get that it’s over. Maybe just give it some time and your heart will catch up, and you can move on.”
He knew her too well to buy into the bullshit. “Oh really, Veronica? Is that what you’re doing?”
Indignant at his accusation, she opened her mouth to refute him, but couldn’t come up with anything. She was in exactly the same place he was, stuck in the past and pining for what might have been. It was useless to deny it.
“No,” she admitted, her voice breaking slightly, slamming her eyes shut to keep the tears from flowing.
Regaining her composure, she raised her lids to find Logan standing directly in front of her, one of his large hands coming to rest gently on her shoulder. Wanting to offer the same comfort, Veronica lifted her gaze to his face, a gasp escaping her lips at what she saw there.
His breath reeking of Tequila, his cheeks were red and blotchy, as if he’d been crying. But it was the fresh, jagged purple bruise covering his right eye that nearly knocked the wind from her. It was then she realized this might not be about Lilly at all.
Staring her down, he seemed to be issuing a challenge, expecting her to run away like everyone else.
She never could back down from a dare, especially one coming from Logan Echolls.
Unable to keep her emotions completely in check, a lone tear slipping down her cheek, she took a step forward. Reaching up to gingerly graze the discolored and swollen skin with just the tips of her fingers, she then slid them down, cupping his cheek.
Logan’s whole body seemed to sag, leaning in to her palm as if her tiny hand was the only thing holding him up. Releasing a shaky breath, he placed his hand over hers, clinging for dear life as he choked out, “It hurts, Veronica,” before crumbling into her arms.
Overwhelmed by his sudden emotional break, she recovered quickly, her instinct to console him more natural than it should be. “I know,” she whispered, stroking his hair as she held him, “I know.”
From a window on the second floor, Lilly watched this exchange, her once disinterested demeanor hardening. It had been too quiet, too much time passing since Veronica left, so she went to investigate, never dreaming she’d see this.
Maybe six weeks of playing hard to get was too long after all.
Track II. Heaven ~ Los Lonely Boys
‘Save me from this prison, Lord, help me get away…’
Lilly’s boisterous laugh echoed off the walls of the tiny hotel room, angering her companion.
“What? What’s so funny?” he demanded.
“Did you make this mix tape yourself, Eli?” she asked, her voice drenched in sweetness, big blue eyes the very picture of innocence, but he knew she was mocking him.
“So what if I did?” he replied gruffly, sitting up and pushing her off him.
Landing flat on her back on the mattress, Lilly didn’t bother to hide her naked form. “Fuck, Weevil,” she snapped, “I know I like it rough, but that was uncalled for. I was only teasing.”
He was already out of bed and pulling on his jeans. “I’m tired of playing games, Lilly.”
“That’s not what you were saying forty-five minutes ago.” Rolling on her side to face him, she propped up her head with her hand, smiling seductively. “Come on, lover. Just quit pouting and come back to bed. Lilly will make it all better.”
He pulled his t-shirt over his head, yanking it down over his torso. “You’re never going to break up with him, are you?”
“I’ve dumped Logan plenty of times.”
“Yeah, but it never seems to stay that way, now does it?” She opened her mouth to answer, but he cut her off. “You know what I don’t get? Why you’ve kept me around for the last year. From what I’ve seen, Lilly Kane bores easily, trades up for a newer model every chance she gets. So what am I, I’m not good enough for you to ditch Echolls, yet you still want me around on the side?” He took a few steps closer to her, his voice softening. “What am I to you, Lilly?”
My salvation. My freedom. My sanity.
Beginning to crack under his penetrating gaze, she was momentarily at a loss, a shaky sigh passing through her lips involuntarily. But she recovered quickly, her voice devoid of any emotion when she answered, “A good fuck.”
Weevil laughed bitterly, her reply not even shocking him. “From now on you can fuck someone else over.” Walking to the door, he slipped on his shoes, not bothering to tie the laces. “I’m done playing sloppy seconds, or thirds. Who knows what number you’re on. I’m out.”
He was out the door before she could stop him, and she wasn’t really sure she wanted to.
They’d had this fight before, but he always came back.
This time, she knew he was gone for good.
After Aaron, she’d fucked her way through some of Neptune’s most prominent men-Dick’s dad, Deputy Lamb, Mayor Goodman, and countless other nameless, faceless rich bastards forgotten even before the bed was cold.
Breathing deeply, she rolled onto her back, the sheets still warm, his scent engulfing her, and she told herself the sting in her eyes was nothing.
She wasn’t sure how long she stared at the ceiling, ignoring the warm liquid that spilled down her cheeks, dampening the pillow cradling her head.
The ceiling was cracked and peeling, badly in need of repair, and one thought kept running through her mind.
I know the feeling.
‘Cause only you can save me now, from this misery…’
Track III. You and Me ~ Lifehouse
‘And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you…’
“This song totally blows,” Lilly declared, as if merely voicing her opinion made it an irrefutable truth.
“I don’t know,” Logan shrugged, “I think it’s kind of sweet.”
She rolled her eyes. “You would.”
She waited for Logan to take offense, overreact with his usual wounded puppy dog routine, but realized he wasn’t even paying attention anymore. Following his line of vision, she
glanced over her shoulder, her eyes coming to rest on a forlorn looking Veronica sitting alone at one of the tables.
Logan was barely touching her waist now, his feet firmly planted in one spot, forgetting they were supposed to be dancing. “I can’t believe you made Veronica come to the prom with Dick,” he said, never taking his eyes from the petite blonde.
“This is the prom, my last big hurrah at Neptune High. I couldn’t have Veronica miss out. It’s her duty as my best friend to bask in my fabulousness. Besides, isn’t it better than her sitting at home, wallowing over Donut?”
“Yeah, because being here to watch him make out wit
h Meg is so much better.”
“Why don’t you go ask her to dance,” she blurted out, spying her own distraction out of the corner of her eye. The members of the PCH bike club had just crashed the prom.
“What?” Logan was confused until he noticed the leather-clad contingent currently taking over the dance floor. “Right,” smirking bitterly, he backed away from her, “I get it. Haven’t you fucked him out of your system yet…you know what? Never mind. It’s not like I’d expect anything less from you.” He shook his head, and then brushed past her, giving a short, sarcastic chuckle. “Classic Lilly Kane.”
His insults barely registered, all her focus on Weevil’s retreating form, and she wasted no time in chasing after him.
Making his way over to Veronica, Logan didn’t trouble himself to watch her go.
“May I have this dance?” he asked, extending his hand with a flourish.
Veronica looked up, brows knit in confusion. “Where’s Lilly?”
“Right about now, I’d say she’s taking a ride on Weevil’s hog.”
“But I thought Lilly was ‘done with him’. I think those were her exact words.”
“Sometimes I think it’s the other way around, but I didn’t come over here to speculate on the status of my girlfriend’s extra-relationship activities.”
“Is that even a word?”
“What?”
“Extra-relationship. I really don’t think it is.”
“It’s like extramarital, except Lilly and I aren’t married so…would you just fucking dance with me already, Veronica.”
“Wow, Logan. How can a girl say no to that offer?”
He gestured over his shoulder. “I could go find Dick.”
“Dick left with Madison an hour ago.”
“But I thought they broke up…” Suddenly, realization dawned. “Wait, this is like déjà vu or something. Weren’t we just having this conversation? Different couple, same tired scenario? Either that, or I’m drunker than I thought.”
“That would explain your sudden interest in dancing with me. The beer goggles have been poured on.”
“If she’s a two at ten, she’ll be a ten at two.”
“And I turn into a pumpkin at twelve,” she sighed, looking at her watch and getting up to leave.
“Veronica,” he blocked her path of exit, “you know I don’t need to be under the influence to wanna dance with you.”
Pondering this for a moment, Veronica broke into a grin, her lips curling into the first genuine smile he’d seen her give all night, and his own mouth mimicked hers in response.
Offering his hand once more, he asked, “So, what do you say, Mars?”
“Sure,” she finally caved, accepting his hand and allowing him to pull her onto the dance floor, “why not? It’s not like I have many options.”
“Well, just in case anyone asks, I am a little tipsy.”
“Big surprise there.”
Winking at her, he gingerly splayed his fingers over her waist. “And no funny stuff. I want your hands where I can see them at all times.”
“Please,” she groaned, her hands coming up to rest on his shoulders, “the last thing I want to do is grab your ass.”
“Who said anything about my ass? I was referring to my ears, which have been known to drive many a woman wild. You’re the one who brought up my ass, so who’s the freak now?”
“Shut up, Logan.”
“You so want my ass.”
“I do not!”
Grinning wickedly, Logan cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting at the top of his lungs, “Attention all Juniors and Seniors of Neptune High, Veronica Mars wants my ass!”
Veronica’s eyes went wide with horror, her humiliation written all over her face in deep red. “Logan Echolls, I am going to kill--”
Her words of revenge were replaced with a shriek of surprise as Logan whirled her around, spinning and twirling her in crazy circles, until she was dizzy with laughter, their comical dance routine finally ending in a dramatic dip.
And then neither one of them was breathing anymore.
‘What day is it, and in what month? This clock never seemed so alive…’
The song was over, replaced by a much louder, faster tune, but they were completely oblivious, still frozen in place, suspended in an awkward pose, and yet somehow nothing had ever felt more right.
Drowning in a sea of blue, he wanted to dive into her eyes and get lost, stay there forever. His lips hovering dangerously over hers, he knew he had to claim them. He had no choice.
Slowly, he guided them back to an upright position, keeping his arms tightly wound around her, afraid if he let go even a little bit the spell would be broken. He could feel her trembling, knew he had to go slow lest he scare her away. Bringing his hand up to her face, he gently caressed her check, offering reassurance, before threading his fingers through her long, golden tresses.
It was at that moment Lilly returned, stalking into the room following a rather nasty rejection by Weevil. He still refused to listen to anything she had to say, so now Logan had to help her lick her wounds.
Except Logan was in the middle of the floor with his hands tangled in Veronica’s hair looking at her like he was desperate to kiss her, like she was the only girl in the room he could see.
Too bad it would never happen.
Bounding over to them, she exclaimed brightly, “Hey guys! Are we ready for the after-party? This prom is not nearly stunning enough for me.”
Startled by her sudden appearance, they quickly leapt apart.
Veronica was the first to speak, jumping in to explain. “Lilly! We were just…”
“Dancing,” Lilly nodded easily, “I know. You were sitting over there looking all kinds of pathetic so I told Logan to ask you.”
“Oh…” Veronica’s face fell, and Lilly almost felt sorry for her.
Almost.
She couldn’t have her best friend and her boyfriend realize what she’d known all along.
They weren’t allowed to love anyone but her.
“So Veronica,” slinging her arm around her friend, she began leading her away, “I was thinking.”
When a still dazed and crestfallen Logan didn’t follow, she glared back at him in a silent order for him to come.
Scowling, he reluctantly obeyed.
“You know what we should do tomorrow?” Lilly continued.
Veronica forced a smile. “What?”
“Go get your hair cut.”
Track IV. Hollaback Girl ~ Gwen Stefani
‘Both of us wanna be the winner, but there can only be one…’
“Oh, this is so my jam!” Lilly practically bounced out of her seat, scrambling to turn up the volume. “Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl, I ain’t no hollaback girl,” she belted out, loudly and off key.
“Lilly, please.” Logan was not in the mood. “Can we please not pay homage to Gwen Stefani tonight?”
“Oh no, I am not letting you step on my buzz, just because your big bad daddy yelled at you today. Get over it, Echolls. This is my last night of freedom before I head for the halls of higher learning, and we’re living it up.”
“Are you saying you actually plan on going to class?” Veronica snapped from the backseat.
“Are you implying I don’t take my studies seriously?”
“Yes,” she came back sharply.
“God, not you too, Veronica,” she whined in response to Veronica’s obvious bad mood. “What is with you people tonight?”
“Life is one big party for you, Lilly. I hardly think you’ll let college get in the way of that,” Logan said.
“But Hearst is an esteemed university, and I plan on taking full advantage.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to college in Neptune,” Veronica sighed, running a hand through her layered, choppy locks. Her hair was finally growing back, almost reaching her shoulders now. “I plan on getting the hell out of here.”
“Don’t you think I tried? Celeste threatened to cut off my trust fund if I even stepped one foot over the county line.”
“Is Duncan settling in at Dartmouth alright?” Logan asked, his gaze involuntarily shifting to the rearview mirror, colliding with Veronica’s.
“You know Donut, always properly prepared for anything. I’m sure he’s organizing his underwear drawer as we speak.”
“I think it's kind of weird he took all those extra courses so he could graduate early.”
“Come on, Veronica. I’ll say it again, this is Duncan. He practically came out of the womb with a ‘to do’ list. Granted it was written by my father, but Duncan always buys into everything Celeste and Jake try to sell. They ‘suggested’ early graduation and he took the bait, hook, line and sinker.”
“I have to say I was surprised at his sudden desire to get away so quickly,” Logan admitted. “He never seemed too keen on the idea until…” His voice trailed off for a moment, as he glanced in the rearview mirror again, and then quickly changed the subject. “Is she saying ‘I ain’t no Harlem fat girl’?”
“It’s hollaback girl,” Lilly corrected, enunciating each syllable perfectly.
“Because it totally sounds like Harlem fat girl.”
“How does that even make any sense?”
“And hollaback girl isn’t ridiculous at all,” Logan mocked.
“Veronica, settle this,” Lilly demanded, swiveling around in her seat. “What do you think?”
“This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S,” she deadpanned in perfect timing.
Logan grinned. “Nice, Veronica.”
Lilly was not amused. “Oh no, you two are not allowed to gang up on me.”
“Well, we’ve got to start practicing, sticking together, solidarity in numbers and all that,” Logan reasoned.
Lilly had no idea what he was talking about. “For what?”
“Life without you, of course.”
He waited a beat just to watch her reaction, her gaping mouth and wide incredulous eyes totally worth it.
“You know, ‘cause you’re going to college and we’re still in high school,” he explained slowly. “Duh, Lilly. Try to keep up.”
“Whatever.” She attempted to laugh him off, but it was a little too loud and hollow. “It’s not like I won’t be right down the road. We’ll see each other all the time. It’ll be like I never even left. I mean really, what would you guys do without me and my awesomeness?”
His eyes were pulled to the mirror a third time, not surprised to find Veronica looking back. They shared a conspiratorial smirk, Logan winking at her slyly.
“I’m sure we’ll think of something.”
Track V. Boston ~ Augustana
'You don’t know me, you don’t even care; You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains…'
The sun was just beginning to rise, a soft pink glow peeking up over the vast horizon before her, and she thought of Veronica.
Her favorite color is pink, no matter how much she protests otherwise.
The ocean seemed endless, the waters calm with only gentle ripples of waves rolling over it. They appeared to be trying to lap at the sun, wanting to reach up and grab a piece of the hazy, rosy hue, and she thought of Logan.
Logan loves the ocean.
This was their beach, the four of them, back before it all fell apart.
If she looked hard enough, she could still make out their ghostly outlines, stumbling along the shoreline, laughing over silly drinking games. But even the specters of their former selves were fading, and soon she’d be all alone.
They came to her last night to break the news.
Logan walked through the door first, Veronica following after hesitating a few seconds. Not so much because she might change her mind, but because she still couldn’t believe they were finally doing it.
Lilly had known all along, of course, even before visits became more and more sporadic, dates and trips to the mall were broken, and phone calls never returned. Although not much distance separated them, Logan and Veronica seemed to be in their own little world once she was out of the equation.
She could’ve tried to stop it, had done so many times before, but she was just so very tired.
Getting caught up in college life, finding new conquests, deciding which sorority to pledge and which hot professor to sleep with next kept her busy and drifting. There was always some party, some new drug to casually experiment with, and more ways to piss off her mother than she’d ever imagined. College Lilly was even more fabulous than high school Lilly.
Except now she was fabulously alone.
Weevil disappeared sometime last fall after his grandmother passed away. He always said she was the only thing keeping him here.
Secretly, Lilly always hoped it was more than that.
He didn’t say goodbye.
At least Logan and Veronica gave her that much.
“I love her,” he’d said, and Lilly didn’t miss the way he reached for her hand, intertwining his fingers through hers. “We’re…we’re in love.”
She smiled. “I know.”
“We wanted to tell you for so long, but…” Veronica began, but Lilly interrupted.
“Lord, Veronica, grow a pair, okay.” Her order should’ve been harsh, but she was laughing. “It’s not like Logan and I are even together. We haven’t been, not really, for a long time. I know you want him, so don’t apologize for it. Go for it, just this once.”
Veronica nodded, squaring her shoulders, her head held high, and Lilly liked to think she was responsible for her newfound confidence. In some twisted way, she could even take credit for Logan and Veronica, reconciling in her mind she was the cause of their union. She was kinda great like that.
But then there was more.
“We’re leaving.”
“For like vacation? I hear Catalina’s great this time of year.”
“No,” Logan shook his head, “Veronica’s been accepted to Harvard.”
“I know. Hello,” she gestured to herself, “she won the Kane Scholarship.”
They remained silent, both with expectant looks adorning their faces.
“What, you’re not actually going, are you? I mean, I always thought you’d go to Hearst with me.”
“I’m sorry, Lilly,” Veronica apologized, her voice breaking slightly.
Though she wasn’t able to speak, Lilly’s smile never faltered.
“I’m…I’m going with her.”
Incredulous, Lilly found her voice again. “You got in to Harvard?”
“No…I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet…but I can’t stay here…my dad…”
He bowed his head, and Veronica squeezed his hand tighter, and that’s when Lilly began to wonder if she’d ever really known either one of them at all.
They were like two strangers standing in front of her, two ghosts already beginning to fade even before they left the room.
Now they were gone, and she was alone.
Really alone.
Standing, she reached her arms toward the sky, stretching her stiff, tired muscles.
The way she saw it, there were only two things she could do.
Be fabulous.
Or be even more fabulous.
Smiling to herself, she quickly removed the headphones from her ears, the song she’d been playing over and over for the past few hours fading on the breeze, and then she was shedding her tank top and bra, her jean shorts and thongs quickly following.
She took off at top speed, dashing for the water.
And she didn’t look back.
~