Look at me, spewing all over the internet again.
It's funny. I talked to her tonight, to tell her that I was hurt by her actions. The conversation went as follows:
"I just thought you should know that I'm hurt you didn't at least tell me you were dating him."
"I didn't know you'd even be there on Friday."
"Look, I'm not saying don't date him, I'm just saying don't... not tell me next time."
"Oh... um..."
"That was all."
And then I went back to Jackie, who had hair conditioner to give me, and who was a little more understanding.
I wonder, what does expecting me to be there with them have to do with her telling me? Was she just not planning to tell me until it became absolutely necessary? Did she know I'd be hurt, or did she just not even think of me until I showed up in person? Not that it matters. My biggest concern right now is whether or not I'll be sitting beside her in choir again this year. That would chafe. Whether they're still dating then or not, it would chafe to know that she's either that oblivious to others' feelings, or that... insensitive, maybe. It's going to be hard to try to be friends with her again after this has started to blow over.
As for him... After having two people within twenty-four hours tell me that I need to perhaps not continue trying to maintain this friendship, I'm seriously considering it.
The biggest problem is that it feels very selfish to just... stop. Stop talking, stop thinking about him. (Though the latter is clearly going to be much, much harder than some people seem to believe.) I know it hurt him when the last ex did that. However, I also know that if I give him half a chance, he'll somehow manage to convince me that it'll be okay if I try again, that being friends is for the best. That he can make it hurt less.
I haven't decided. Far from it; I expect this will take me at least a few days to mull over before I decide. Yes, I'm still a bit miffed about the lack of respect, particularly recently. But as has been pointed out to me by more than one person, this hurting-me thing has been going on a rather long time now, and I just keep asking for more. Masochist though I may be, I know I'll eventually have to stop somehow. Even if it means dating four or five guys in four or five months, I'll have to do something to snap out of this. And that's just to start fixing myself. Fixing the relationship... I don't know how. I don't even know exactly what's wrong with it. I know that part of it is that I've never really stood up for myself. But I find it hard to believe that that would be the only issue. And until I can fix myself up a bit, I'm thinking maybe I should wait to figure it out and try to work on it.
So what does this mean? Right now, it means I'm not going to initiate anything with them. I won't be phoning, or texting, or emailing, or facebooking. I may want to, but I won't, because I need to deal with myself just this once before I try to fix the things around me. I'll be around if anything comes up, or if anything happens to change, though I doubt both counts. I refuse to crawl back for more of the same this time, though.
Unfortunately, this equates to the part where I'm probably going to miss most of the karaoke for the rest of the summer, which means I'll be missing seeing friends from choir, among others. It's not only because of them that I'll be missing out, though. It's really quite frustrating to work until 9:30, get a ride straight to karaoke, and then get a ride home two hours later. I could read in that time, and while it wouldn't be nearly as socially filling, it would be cheaper and less dramatic. So maybe that would be for the best.
It also means that I'm going to try to stop laughing when I talk about being a doormat. I will try to start standing up for myself. I'll try to tell people when I'm hurt, or angry. I don't know how long this resolution will last, but I'm hoping that writing it down will help. So note to self: stop it.
The funny thing is, this really won't affect my day-to-day much. I will continue going to work nearly every day. I will think about it at work, when I'm not busy. I will go home, and I will read, and certain lines and sentiments will continue to remind me of the situation. And I'll continue to listen to the music I have, because finding anything new would be more effort than I feel like putting forth. I will sleep, eventually, and when I wake up in the morning, I will either be getting ready for work again, or I will be finding a way to get to someone who will distract me. This sounds to me a lot like the past two months. I actually don't even remember what I did in May, now that I think of it. Clearly, work has taken over my life.
On the bright side (for him), I won't burn the pants I bought for him. I'll be nice enough to give them back once they're done being hemmed. I was told to burn them, you see, in an attempt to demonstrate my rage and lack of caring for his opinion. The only problem with that being that it would be a bit of an exaggeration of my rage, not to mention a waste of my money. And really, this is me, so I'll always care about his opinion. I just need to stop basing my existence on it.
I think that's the most sort-of coherent thinking I'm going to be able to force out of myself tonight. Now I just need to finish convincing someone who's in a relatinoship not to profess their love to someone who doesn't love them back and also isn't the other half of the relationship. Then bedtime, definitely.
"I just thought you should know that I'm hurt you didn't at least tell me you were dating him."
"I didn't know you'd even be there on Friday."
"Look, I'm not saying don't date him, I'm just saying don't... not tell me next time."
"Oh... um..."
"That was all."
And then I went back to Jackie, who had hair conditioner to give me, and who was a little more understanding.
I wonder, what does expecting me to be there with them have to do with her telling me? Was she just not planning to tell me until it became absolutely necessary? Did she know I'd be hurt, or did she just not even think of me until I showed up in person? Not that it matters. My biggest concern right now is whether or not I'll be sitting beside her in choir again this year. That would chafe. Whether they're still dating then or not, it would chafe to know that she's either that oblivious to others' feelings, or that... insensitive, maybe. It's going to be hard to try to be friends with her again after this has started to blow over.
As for him... After having two people within twenty-four hours tell me that I need to perhaps not continue trying to maintain this friendship, I'm seriously considering it.
The biggest problem is that it feels very selfish to just... stop. Stop talking, stop thinking about him. (Though the latter is clearly going to be much, much harder than some people seem to believe.) I know it hurt him when the last ex did that. However, I also know that if I give him half a chance, he'll somehow manage to convince me that it'll be okay if I try again, that being friends is for the best. That he can make it hurt less.
I haven't decided. Far from it; I expect this will take me at least a few days to mull over before I decide. Yes, I'm still a bit miffed about the lack of respect, particularly recently. But as has been pointed out to me by more than one person, this hurting-me thing has been going on a rather long time now, and I just keep asking for more. Masochist though I may be, I know I'll eventually have to stop somehow. Even if it means dating four or five guys in four or five months, I'll have to do something to snap out of this. And that's just to start fixing myself. Fixing the relationship... I don't know how. I don't even know exactly what's wrong with it. I know that part of it is that I've never really stood up for myself. But I find it hard to believe that that would be the only issue. And until I can fix myself up a bit, I'm thinking maybe I should wait to figure it out and try to work on it.
So what does this mean? Right now, it means I'm not going to initiate anything with them. I won't be phoning, or texting, or emailing, or facebooking. I may want to, but I won't, because I need to deal with myself just this once before I try to fix the things around me. I'll be around if anything comes up, or if anything happens to change, though I doubt both counts. I refuse to crawl back for more of the same this time, though.
Unfortunately, this equates to the part where I'm probably going to miss most of the karaoke for the rest of the summer, which means I'll be missing seeing friends from choir, among others. It's not only because of them that I'll be missing out, though. It's really quite frustrating to work until 9:30, get a ride straight to karaoke, and then get a ride home two hours later. I could read in that time, and while it wouldn't be nearly as socially filling, it would be cheaper and less dramatic. So maybe that would be for the best.
It also means that I'm going to try to stop laughing when I talk about being a doormat. I will try to start standing up for myself. I'll try to tell people when I'm hurt, or angry. I don't know how long this resolution will last, but I'm hoping that writing it down will help. So note to self: stop it.
The funny thing is, this really won't affect my day-to-day much. I will continue going to work nearly every day. I will think about it at work, when I'm not busy. I will go home, and I will read, and certain lines and sentiments will continue to remind me of the situation. And I'll continue to listen to the music I have, because finding anything new would be more effort than I feel like putting forth. I will sleep, eventually, and when I wake up in the morning, I will either be getting ready for work again, or I will be finding a way to get to someone who will distract me. This sounds to me a lot like the past two months. I actually don't even remember what I did in May, now that I think of it. Clearly, work has taken over my life.
On the bright side (for him), I won't burn the pants I bought for him. I'll be nice enough to give them back once they're done being hemmed. I was told to burn them, you see, in an attempt to demonstrate my rage and lack of caring for his opinion. The only problem with that being that it would be a bit of an exaggeration of my rage, not to mention a waste of my money. And really, this is me, so I'll always care about his opinion. I just need to stop basing my existence on it.
I think that's the most sort-of coherent thinking I'm going to be able to force out of myself tonight. Now I just need to finish convincing someone who's in a relatinoship not to profess their love to someone who doesn't love them back and also isn't the other half of the relationship. Then bedtime, definitely.