(no subject)
So I feel like once again, I should get all of this off of my chest before I go to bed.
Tomorrow I'm driving down to Nashville, so I'll have 8 hours to think, and probs cry cause that's where I am right now. Right now I feel like I'm slowly turning into college Kelly. For those of you who didn't ever know her, a lot of the time she was a moody, saddy, pain in the ass. I don't know how I made friends... don't believe me? Go back and read some old posts in this baby.
This is also why drunk Kelly is not allowed to play for a while, until sober Kelly gets her life in check. Too many nights recently I've left ridic parties to come home and cry, like the old days. I HATE that.
Topic number one: I realized I'm pretty unhappy right now. I just feel so alone. Blah blah blah boo-hoo me, but whatevs that's how I feel. I have an amazing group of friends, but when all is said and done it's just me. Which I'm obvs used to, but I'm so done with it all. I thought I was okay just being me, but then I realized that it sucks. I'm just having a hard time finding how I fit with people right now. A lot of it is due to things changing after directing my friends, which I don't regret for a moment, but it def put a lot of things in perspective. And I have several friends who are going through some pretty rough shit right now, and aren't in very good places. But I just can't go there with them anymore. I'm the kind of person that tries to bear other's loads, always have been, and it's gotten me into some pretty bad situations in the past. I don't know what else to do without putting myself through it as well.
Segue to: I'm worried that I'm using theater to hide from my problems. I don't know if I do all of this theater because it's what really makes me happy, or if it's like an addiction and I only go from show to show to mask that it's the only thing I have that makes me happy... I know that post-show letdown is normal, especially after an AMAZING experience/run like Urinetown, but I'm worried that I'm jumping right into Fiddler auds so I won't have time to think about the things I don't like to think about.
I'm auditioning for grad school on Friday, and SIU Carbondale. 8 hours away. I finally feel like I have a pretty solid group of friends here, and I'm running away. WTF Chinese guy? Thing is, I want a masters degree. And I'm really unhappy with my job and need to take steps to do something about that. And really, I know that none of my friends would stay here for me, nor would I expect them too. This is just really scary. I'm terrified to leave, there I said it. And that's stupid, but I've always played it safe. Going to CMU, moving back home... no big thing. But now leaving what has been one of the best situations I've ever been in makes me want to hide under a rock or something.
I'm hoping that this weekend will give me time to put things into perspective. To find that inner happiness that I've had, well, since I moved home, knowing that even if it's just me I'll have to be okay with that, and to accept it. To remember why I love this bunch of freaks that I call my friends, and not only see the faults. To just regroup so that I can enjoy what I have, instead of getting depressed about what I don't.
Meh... that didn't help too much. Here's hoping I can fall asleep...
Tomorrow I'm driving down to Nashville, so I'll have 8 hours to think, and probs cry cause that's where I am right now. Right now I feel like I'm slowly turning into college Kelly. For those of you who didn't ever know her, a lot of the time she was a moody, saddy, pain in the ass. I don't know how I made friends... don't believe me? Go back and read some old posts in this baby.
This is also why drunk Kelly is not allowed to play for a while, until sober Kelly gets her life in check. Too many nights recently I've left ridic parties to come home and cry, like the old days. I HATE that.
Topic number one: I realized I'm pretty unhappy right now. I just feel so alone. Blah blah blah boo-hoo me, but whatevs that's how I feel. I have an amazing group of friends, but when all is said and done it's just me. Which I'm obvs used to, but I'm so done with it all. I thought I was okay just being me, but then I realized that it sucks. I'm just having a hard time finding how I fit with people right now. A lot of it is due to things changing after directing my friends, which I don't regret for a moment, but it def put a lot of things in perspective. And I have several friends who are going through some pretty rough shit right now, and aren't in very good places. But I just can't go there with them anymore. I'm the kind of person that tries to bear other's loads, always have been, and it's gotten me into some pretty bad situations in the past. I don't know what else to do without putting myself through it as well.
Segue to: I'm worried that I'm using theater to hide from my problems. I don't know if I do all of this theater because it's what really makes me happy, or if it's like an addiction and I only go from show to show to mask that it's the only thing I have that makes me happy... I know that post-show letdown is normal, especially after an AMAZING experience/run like Urinetown, but I'm worried that I'm jumping right into Fiddler auds so I won't have time to think about the things I don't like to think about.
I'm auditioning for grad school on Friday, and SIU Carbondale. 8 hours away. I finally feel like I have a pretty solid group of friends here, and I'm running away. WTF Chinese guy? Thing is, I want a masters degree. And I'm really unhappy with my job and need to take steps to do something about that. And really, I know that none of my friends would stay here for me, nor would I expect them too. This is just really scary. I'm terrified to leave, there I said it. And that's stupid, but I've always played it safe. Going to CMU, moving back home... no big thing. But now leaving what has been one of the best situations I've ever been in makes me want to hide under a rock or something.
I'm hoping that this weekend will give me time to put things into perspective. To find that inner happiness that I've had, well, since I moved home, knowing that even if it's just me I'll have to be okay with that, and to accept it. To remember why I love this bunch of freaks that I call my friends, and not only see the faults. To just regroup so that I can enjoy what I have, instead of getting depressed about what I don't.
Meh... that didn't help too much. Here's hoping I can fall asleep...