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Okay I can't even come up with a subject for this one....
I'm really considering if I need to start seeing a shrink. I'm getting so sick of the roller coaster of moods. Seems even when something good happens my mind can only dwell on all the bad going on around me.
This weekend was a particularly nasty one. Between a sore throat all weekend (still getting rid of the last of it), dealing with a roommate having a break down and breaking up with his boyfriend (also a good friend of mine who I can't seem to do much to help because of situations tied to the break up), and someone else who I've been nice to for a while but who of late has been getting more and more annoying creating a fresh spat of drama to put icing on all else that happened this weekend.
All this left me with a headache all day Monday at work and I eventually left work early because I couldn't focus on anything. Then today (well guess technically yesterday but then I've not gotten to sleep yet) work was rough, rushing to one site on an emergency last minute call then off to another where I had to deal with a VERY dusty environment which didn't help with my sore throat. At the second site I had a large (rack mounted) UPS slip and fall, scraping up one wrist and smashing into one knee. Then no sooner do I get home than the friend who's been getting more and more annoying shows up uninvited once more to use the shower because he can't deal with his girlfriend/stalker/mother of his child. Things improved a bit after he left, went to one of Setti's co-workers apartment and played Rock Band. Well I mostly watched since they wanted to do it all on hard and I'm not that good yet (and may never be). So I drive back just to find this friend waiting for someone to get back to the apartment so he can once more take a shower. I'm not sure how long he was here as I kind of hid in my room.
Then while chatting with a friend online the conversation ends up steering into an area that just really sent my emotions on a downward spiral. I know he didn't mean to do it, but then it seems my friends seem to not mean to do a lot of things that upset and hurt me. It really makes me wonder if I'm just lousy at picking friends, or if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I have friends. I found myself wondering tonight how long it'd take for people to notice if I went missing. My conclusion is nobody would notice until they needed something from me, then they'd only wonder about it long enough to get annoyed that I wasn't available to do what they wanted me to do. I think the only person who'd end up worried would be my mom but that would even take a while since we don't talk all the time so she wouldn't realize something was wrong for weeks.
I really hate taking medication but maybe I should be on anti-depressants. I mean I keep hearing how most of them make you not feel much at all (they seem to be more mood suppressants than anti-depressants). I think I'd be less depressed if I couldn't feel any emotions at all. After all its harder to get hurt emotionally if I can't feel love, kindness, longing for attention, desire for intimacy. The deadening effect on the sex drive might help as well. I think I was better off the first part of last year when my sex drive was MIA, my emotional state seems to have worsened ever since it returned and made me want to not be single and alone anymore. It's funny, I now live with 3 other people but feel more alone than the few months before that when I lived all by myself.
Well that's all I can put down right now, just too much other stuff in my head that I'm not comfortable talking about because despite how hurt and alone I feel I can't bring myself to say things that will potentially cause pain to others, even if its people I care deeply for who just don't seem to give a shit about me. The closest I'm coming to that is not putting this behind a cut which I'm sure in my last post like this means nobody read it since it was safely hidden from their view and not locking this to friends only.
I'm really considering if I need to start seeing a shrink. I'm getting so sick of the roller coaster of moods. Seems even when something good happens my mind can only dwell on all the bad going on around me.
This weekend was a particularly nasty one. Between a sore throat all weekend (still getting rid of the last of it), dealing with a roommate having a break down and breaking up with his boyfriend (also a good friend of mine who I can't seem to do much to help because of situations tied to the break up), and someone else who I've been nice to for a while but who of late has been getting more and more annoying creating a fresh spat of drama to put icing on all else that happened this weekend.
All this left me with a headache all day Monday at work and I eventually left work early because I couldn't focus on anything. Then today (well guess technically yesterday but then I've not gotten to sleep yet) work was rough, rushing to one site on an emergency last minute call then off to another where I had to deal with a VERY dusty environment which didn't help with my sore throat. At the second site I had a large (rack mounted) UPS slip and fall, scraping up one wrist and smashing into one knee. Then no sooner do I get home than the friend who's been getting more and more annoying shows up uninvited once more to use the shower because he can't deal with his girlfriend/stalker/mother of his child. Things improved a bit after he left, went to one of Setti's co-workers apartment and played Rock Band. Well I mostly watched since they wanted to do it all on hard and I'm not that good yet (and may never be). So I drive back just to find this friend waiting for someone to get back to the apartment so he can once more take a shower. I'm not sure how long he was here as I kind of hid in my room.
Then while chatting with a friend online the conversation ends up steering into an area that just really sent my emotions on a downward spiral. I know he didn't mean to do it, but then it seems my friends seem to not mean to do a lot of things that upset and hurt me. It really makes me wonder if I'm just lousy at picking friends, or if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I have friends. I found myself wondering tonight how long it'd take for people to notice if I went missing. My conclusion is nobody would notice until they needed something from me, then they'd only wonder about it long enough to get annoyed that I wasn't available to do what they wanted me to do. I think the only person who'd end up worried would be my mom but that would even take a while since we don't talk all the time so she wouldn't realize something was wrong for weeks.
I really hate taking medication but maybe I should be on anti-depressants. I mean I keep hearing how most of them make you not feel much at all (they seem to be more mood suppressants than anti-depressants). I think I'd be less depressed if I couldn't feel any emotions at all. After all its harder to get hurt emotionally if I can't feel love, kindness, longing for attention, desire for intimacy. The deadening effect on the sex drive might help as well. I think I was better off the first part of last year when my sex drive was MIA, my emotional state seems to have worsened ever since it returned and made me want to not be single and alone anymore. It's funny, I now live with 3 other people but feel more alone than the few months before that when I lived all by myself.
Well that's all I can put down right now, just too much other stuff in my head that I'm not comfortable talking about because despite how hurt and alone I feel I can't bring myself to say things that will potentially cause pain to others, even if its people I care deeply for who just don't seem to give a shit about me. The closest I'm coming to that is not putting this behind a cut which I'm sure in my last post like this means nobody read it since it was safely hidden from their view and not locking this to friends only.