(no subject)
Blood on the Tracks - 01 - Tangled Up in Blue
Blood on the Tracks - 02 - Simple Twist of Fate
Blood on the Tracks - 03 - You're a Big Girl Now
Title: Blood on the Tracks - 04 - Idiot Wind
Rating: R
Pairing: Addison/Derek
Summary: The aftermath of cutting out Savvy's ovaries, Thanksgiving, and a prelude to Christmas.
“We should talk about this.”
Addison’s shoulders slump, her keys out of her purse and finger on the unlock button. “Talk about what?”
“Today.”
“Since when do you want to talk?” She hits the button an opens the door of her car, tossing her purse into the passenger seat. Addison leans on the open car door and stares at her husband. “Derek, you don’t want to talk, you think I want to talk so you say that we should talk before I have a chance to say that we should talk so it looks like you’re being proactive in this. For the record, I don’t want to talk.” She stares at the ground for a moment and nudges a pebble onto the white line dividing her parking spot from Meredith’s. “But you were an absolute ass to Savvy yesterday.”
Derek shoves his hands in his pockets and looks up at the night sky. “That doesn’t have anything to do with it.”
“Yeah, it does. She’s my best friend, Derek. And she’s a close one of yours.”
“You fucked my best friend.”
Her glare hardens and focuses on him and chooses to go the low road because his argument is stupid and, even more importantly, irrelevant. “He actually kind of liked that treatment.”
“Addison.” He glares back at her firmly, ending any line of thought she considered transferring to words.
She shrugs and lets it go. “Why aren’t you wearing your ring? I get why you didn’t before because of Meredith. But now. We’re supposed to be making this work. Why aren’t you wearing it?” When he doesn’t respond for a few moments, her face falls and her eyes begin to fill up with tears. “Or did you throw it off the ferryboat? Maybe the one you didn’t recognize me on the other day.”
“I still have it.”
“Then why...”
“I close my eyes and see Mark sucking on your neck while you lie there and scream louder than you ever did for me.” Derek says matter-of-factly, figuring he might as well just say it the way he saw it, and scuffs his feet against the asphalt. Addison’s always been vocal and he knows that she’s never held back with him, so he was thrown off balance not only by finding her sleeping with someone else but also by the thought that someone else was giving her more pleasure than he ever gave her. He knows her too well to even consider the possibility that it was for show. It would be easier, somehow, if he only had the visual. But the audio and the solid proof that she enjoyed it hurts every time he thinks about it. And he can’t not think about it.
Addison swallows hard. Mark did make her feel better (amazing, really, and thinking of that night and the nights that followed were surefire ways to get her to need a cold shower), but even in months of reflection she’s never figured out whether it was because Mark was genuinely better in bed or if she just hadn’t had great sex in a while. “Alright,” she whispers, thoughts about absent loves of her life and hearing rumors and seeing him look that way at another woman too incoherent to form into caustic retorts.
--
Addison was that girl who tore off band-aids in one swift tug, not caring about the pain or the wincing or that the scrap may have been bigger than the cushiony pad and that some of the cut itself may be pulled off with the adhesive.
Derek was that boy who sat in the corner and pulled it slowly, millimeter by millimeter, pushing down on the skin of his knee to keep it from being lifted up by sticky residue and turning the other way so no one would see the tears form in his eyes.
They both know that ripping out stitches is not the best way to help a healing wound stay clean and uninfected. And they know that it’s stupid to try to heal a wound without first numbing the area lest the patient scream and squirm around from the pain and possibly cause the surgeon to cut something that shouldn’t be cut.
They both took their required English course pass/fail.
--
If she were really smart, she’d have her bags packed and be on the next plane out to New York. Her friends are there, her life is there, her practice is there, everything is there except her husband. And at the moment, her husband isn’t there in Seattle. If she were really smart, she wouldn’t be there either.
But she’s there anyway.
If she were just average when it came to smarts, she’d be inside. She’d be inside and be curled up in bed as far away from his normal side as possible and if she couldn’t be actually asleep, she’d be faking it. If she were just average when it came to smarts, she’d be inside.
But she’s sitting on the deck of the trailer in a sweater and a pair of jeans, sheltered under the hideous awning from a rainstorm with a bag of now-cold take-out Chinese food next to her.
And she’s waiting for him and she’ll wait all night and through the morning if necessary because she’s kind of stupid when it comes to him.
“You didn’t show.” She looks for any reaction from him and all she gets is a lean against the awning and water dripping down his face and maybe a hint of apology. “I waited.” Her heart breaks a little more as all he does is nod. “Derek, are you done? Hurting me back? I mean, ‘cause I need to know. Because if not, I gotta special order a thicker skin.” Her voice catches in her throat. “Or something.” She expects him to walk inside and forget about her like he always has when she says anything about her feelings. And then she expects to cry for a while and hope that he comes outside to apologize - but he won’t - and then she’ll get into her car and drive back to the hotel and be kind of stupid by not calling Delta and booking herself on the first flight out in the morning.
But Derek sits down next to her and Addison can’t tell whether it’s a need for sex in his eyes, an apology, or an actual desire for her but at the moment, she’ll take anything she can get. Because if he didn’t care about her, about them, and just needed sex, he could easily go to Meredith and as “over” him as Meredith is, Addison knows that the intern would spread her legs if Derek so much as looked a possibility her way. But Derek’s here with her right now, not away with Meredith, and he’s leaning in to kiss her and whispering something about no anesthesia and their lips meet for the first time in months.
They simply kiss in the rain for a few minutes, his arm tugging her closer as their tongues tentatively snake out to meet each other again. And then it’s autopilot; their bodies remember how they feel together, their minds know what comes next and exactly what the other wants and they stand up together and Derek leads her inside.
He shuts the door behind them and flicks off the lights before circling his arms around her waist. Nuzzling her neck and lightly kissing the soft spot behind her ear, the spot that still makes her knees wobbly, he realizes just how much he’s been lying to himself about missing her.
She turns around and he kisses her, softly at first but building up into one of the fireworks-inducing kisses she remembers from the early years of their marriage. As his body lightly traps her against the wall, Addison figures that she’s the one who should be doing the pinning since it was all her idea but then he expertly kisses his way up her neck to swirl his tongue around her earlobe and she doesn’t much care because she knows how good it’s all going to feel later. Fifteen years with him and she’s learned to know what beginnings lead to what ends.
Derek’s hands roam over her breasts and down her sides to grasp the edge of her shirt. He pulls it over her head in one swift movement, smiling as she gasps. He takes a moment to smile at her before allowing her to tug his wet sweater over his head and he laughs a little at her disappointed expression when she finds out that there’s still another layer. His laugh disappears when she pushes off the wall and slowly, purposefully slips each button through its hole and walks them backward to the bed. As fantastic as the sex was with Meredith, Derek never saw such an intense look from Meredith. Meredith’s eyes never darkened right before a kiss, the passion didn’t run as deep.
But Addison. Standing in front of him, lightly brushing her fingers over his chest with each button, is the most sexual woman he has ever known. Fluid and intense, she’s always completely committed to the act and in the moment and sex with her can last incredible hours and leave him satisfyingly exhausted in every way imaginable.
As she slips his shirt off his shoulders onto the floor, he sees the woman he fell in love with and he sees her for the first time since she’s come to Seattle. He’s missed her, missed her soft skin and confident touch, her intoxicating taste and the sound of her low moans.
Addison feels the muscles of her stomach ripple as his fingertips tease the skin of her sides and slide up to trace the edge of her bra, following the line of the black lace around her back to unhook it and let it slip to the floor to join his shirt. She knows they’ve reached the moment, the moment when they can turn back and say they aren’t ready and they’ll wait another day. They’ve never been able to stop once they’ve passed this point.
Their eyes connect as the sounds of their breathing fill the air and there are no nods or looks or smiles, they just pull each other closer and tumble down onto the bed, kissing fiercely as Addison’s red hair falls down to curtain around them.
--
“You know,” she begins after they’ve rested in quiet, listening to the rain and the crickets, “there is one good thing to you living in the middle of nowhere.”
“You don’t bother anyone when you scream?” Derek smiles and pulls her closer, kissing her temple as he does so.
“Well, yes.” Addison blushes a little. She had always been a little self-conscious of how loud she is during sex and she’s pretty good at keeping quiet when it’s some place like the hospital or they’re at someone’s parents’ house. But Derek once asked her to let go because he wanted to hear the moans and whimpers he knew she was holding back. Sex became a lot more enjoyable after that.
Derek places another kiss on her forehead and gently rubs her back as she begins to fall asleep. He wonders what she didn’t give Mark. He’s certain that it wasn’t the first time when he walked in and he’s fairly certain it wasn’t the last and he wonders what she left out when she slept with Mark. Did she use her mouth and tongue in ways that would make him do anything she asked as long as she didn’t stop? Did she do that thing where she rolls her hips as she moves on top of him that drives him deeper into her? Did she scream his name?
No matter how angry he was with Addison, he never curled his fingers inside Meredith to hit the spot he knew would make her come in an instant, he never made love to Meredith with just his tongue, he never whispered Meredith’s name.
Some things, despite the hurt and betrayal, were just for Addison and he hopes that the same went for her.
--
It’s not even a month later when he tells her that he was in love with Meredith. And she doesn’t feel quite as bad for continuing her relationship with Mark once she knows that. She figures that they’re even now. He fell in love with Meredith; she continued sleeping with his best friend. Somehow it all works out.
They finish picking out Christmas gifts with a lack of their usual happiness that surrounds the activity and Derek hopes that Addison picked up on the past tense of the verb but Addison is too busy paying attention to the verb itself to notice tenses. They smile at friends and everyone who looks up from their drinks as they leave together, neither one surprised at how easily they slip into faking happy again.
“I’m going home for Christmas,” she says, breaking the silence as they lie in bed together. She cuddles into his arms for warmth more than comfort and companionship. If they were in a real house with central heating, there would be a foot of empty space between them. She’s lost track of how many times she’s questioned her sanity since she’s moved her shoes (all one hundred and six pairs of them) to the Pacific Northwest.
“And you decided this when?”
“Couple hours ago.”
Derek gently turns her over so he can see her face. “Is this because of what I said about Meredith? Because...”
“No, actually. It’s not. Not everything I do is a reaction to Meredith. It isn’t all about her.” Addison sits up and tugs a sweatshirt over her head and cuddles into its warmth. “Derek, I miss my family. We used to live an hour away from them. I had lunch with my mom every Tuesday.” She sniffles and wipes her eyes with the sleeve of the hooded NYU shirt. Derek does things daily to continue to hurt her but what she hates him for the most is pulling her away from her family and not giving her anything to fill the void. She’s close with her mother, closer than most people would think given her family’s social and financial positions and the corresponding stereotypes, and she misses the weekly moment of unconditional love. No matter what else had happened, no matter what Addison had said or done (or not said or not done), she was loved unconditionally for at least ninety minutes. And life is draining her energy reserves without that time to recharge.
He recognizes where she’s going with this and sits up too. “Not everyone out here hates you, Addie.”
She tucks her hair behind her ears, keeping her hands tucked inside the sleeves. “It feels that way sometimes. I’m going home for Christmas.” She says it with a sense of finality and a gentle hand that tells him that he isn’t invited. “Mom and Dad miss me.” They said so but it was always assumed that Addison would spend Christmas in Seattle with Derek. But she’s had it with fighting and kind of wants to lie - alone - in her childhood bedroom and not have to worry about what people think of her.
“Okay,” he says as he lies back down, too emotionally worn out to argue with her more. He knows that going home has nothing to do with her parents and everything to do with getting away from him and once that realization has settled in the relevant parts of his brain, he doesn’t feel so terribly guilty about not putting so much effort into keeping their marriage alive. Because if she doesn’t want to be with him during ‘their’ season, then it’s okay for him to proclaim that he fell in love with Meredith.
Addison looks over at her husband, annoyed that he doesn’t care enough to even ask if he’s invited (because she really wanted to tell him no just to see his reaction) or if she’s okay and even more annoyed that he can fall back asleep so damn quickly as if their conversation and her feelings don’t matter. She blinks out a few angry and lonely tears - it wasn’t just something people say when she told him that she’s lonely - and wipes her eyes again. Realizing that Derek has turned all the way over and is facing the wall and there’s no chance of her working her way into his arms for some more body heat, she blinks out a few frustrated and uncomfortable tears and gets out of bed.
She doesn’t bother to be soft or unobtrusive about it and doesn’t bother to be quiet on her way to finding a dresser to pull on another pair of sweatpants and a second layer of socks.
Blood on the Tracks - 02 - Simple Twist of Fate
Blood on the Tracks - 03 - You're a Big Girl Now
Title: Blood on the Tracks - 04 - Idiot Wind
Rating: R
Pairing: Addison/Derek
Summary: The aftermath of cutting out Savvy's ovaries, Thanksgiving, and a prelude to Christmas.
“We should talk about this.”
Addison’s shoulders slump, her keys out of her purse and finger on the unlock button. “Talk about what?”
“Today.”
“Since when do you want to talk?” She hits the button an opens the door of her car, tossing her purse into the passenger seat. Addison leans on the open car door and stares at her husband. “Derek, you don’t want to talk, you think I want to talk so you say that we should talk before I have a chance to say that we should talk so it looks like you’re being proactive in this. For the record, I don’t want to talk.” She stares at the ground for a moment and nudges a pebble onto the white line dividing her parking spot from Meredith’s. “But you were an absolute ass to Savvy yesterday.”
Derek shoves his hands in his pockets and looks up at the night sky. “That doesn’t have anything to do with it.”
“Yeah, it does. She’s my best friend, Derek. And she’s a close one of yours.”
“You fucked my best friend.”
Her glare hardens and focuses on him and chooses to go the low road because his argument is stupid and, even more importantly, irrelevant. “He actually kind of liked that treatment.”
“Addison.” He glares back at her firmly, ending any line of thought she considered transferring to words.
She shrugs and lets it go. “Why aren’t you wearing your ring? I get why you didn’t before because of Meredith. But now. We’re supposed to be making this work. Why aren’t you wearing it?” When he doesn’t respond for a few moments, her face falls and her eyes begin to fill up with tears. “Or did you throw it off the ferryboat? Maybe the one you didn’t recognize me on the other day.”
“I still have it.”
“Then why...”
“I close my eyes and see Mark sucking on your neck while you lie there and scream louder than you ever did for me.” Derek says matter-of-factly, figuring he might as well just say it the way he saw it, and scuffs his feet against the asphalt. Addison’s always been vocal and he knows that she’s never held back with him, so he was thrown off balance not only by finding her sleeping with someone else but also by the thought that someone else was giving her more pleasure than he ever gave her. He knows her too well to even consider the possibility that it was for show. It would be easier, somehow, if he only had the visual. But the audio and the solid proof that she enjoyed it hurts every time he thinks about it. And he can’t not think about it.
Addison swallows hard. Mark did make her feel better (amazing, really, and thinking of that night and the nights that followed were surefire ways to get her to need a cold shower), but even in months of reflection she’s never figured out whether it was because Mark was genuinely better in bed or if she just hadn’t had great sex in a while. “Alright,” she whispers, thoughts about absent loves of her life and hearing rumors and seeing him look that way at another woman too incoherent to form into caustic retorts.
--
Addison was that girl who tore off band-aids in one swift tug, not caring about the pain or the wincing or that the scrap may have been bigger than the cushiony pad and that some of the cut itself may be pulled off with the adhesive.
Derek was that boy who sat in the corner and pulled it slowly, millimeter by millimeter, pushing down on the skin of his knee to keep it from being lifted up by sticky residue and turning the other way so no one would see the tears form in his eyes.
They both know that ripping out stitches is not the best way to help a healing wound stay clean and uninfected. And they know that it’s stupid to try to heal a wound without first numbing the area lest the patient scream and squirm around from the pain and possibly cause the surgeon to cut something that shouldn’t be cut.
They both took their required English course pass/fail.
--
If she were really smart, she’d have her bags packed and be on the next plane out to New York. Her friends are there, her life is there, her practice is there, everything is there except her husband. And at the moment, her husband isn’t there in Seattle. If she were really smart, she wouldn’t be there either.
But she’s there anyway.
If she were just average when it came to smarts, she’d be inside. She’d be inside and be curled up in bed as far away from his normal side as possible and if she couldn’t be actually asleep, she’d be faking it. If she were just average when it came to smarts, she’d be inside.
But she’s sitting on the deck of the trailer in a sweater and a pair of jeans, sheltered under the hideous awning from a rainstorm with a bag of now-cold take-out Chinese food next to her.
And she’s waiting for him and she’ll wait all night and through the morning if necessary because she’s kind of stupid when it comes to him.
“You didn’t show.” She looks for any reaction from him and all she gets is a lean against the awning and water dripping down his face and maybe a hint of apology. “I waited.” Her heart breaks a little more as all he does is nod. “Derek, are you done? Hurting me back? I mean, ‘cause I need to know. Because if not, I gotta special order a thicker skin.” Her voice catches in her throat. “Or something.” She expects him to walk inside and forget about her like he always has when she says anything about her feelings. And then she expects to cry for a while and hope that he comes outside to apologize - but he won’t - and then she’ll get into her car and drive back to the hotel and be kind of stupid by not calling Delta and booking herself on the first flight out in the morning.
But Derek sits down next to her and Addison can’t tell whether it’s a need for sex in his eyes, an apology, or an actual desire for her but at the moment, she’ll take anything she can get. Because if he didn’t care about her, about them, and just needed sex, he could easily go to Meredith and as “over” him as Meredith is, Addison knows that the intern would spread her legs if Derek so much as looked a possibility her way. But Derek’s here with her right now, not away with Meredith, and he’s leaning in to kiss her and whispering something about no anesthesia and their lips meet for the first time in months.
They simply kiss in the rain for a few minutes, his arm tugging her closer as their tongues tentatively snake out to meet each other again. And then it’s autopilot; their bodies remember how they feel together, their minds know what comes next and exactly what the other wants and they stand up together and Derek leads her inside.
He shuts the door behind them and flicks off the lights before circling his arms around her waist. Nuzzling her neck and lightly kissing the soft spot behind her ear, the spot that still makes her knees wobbly, he realizes just how much he’s been lying to himself about missing her.
She turns around and he kisses her, softly at first but building up into one of the fireworks-inducing kisses she remembers from the early years of their marriage. As his body lightly traps her against the wall, Addison figures that she’s the one who should be doing the pinning since it was all her idea but then he expertly kisses his way up her neck to swirl his tongue around her earlobe and she doesn’t much care because she knows how good it’s all going to feel later. Fifteen years with him and she’s learned to know what beginnings lead to what ends.
Derek’s hands roam over her breasts and down her sides to grasp the edge of her shirt. He pulls it over her head in one swift movement, smiling as she gasps. He takes a moment to smile at her before allowing her to tug his wet sweater over his head and he laughs a little at her disappointed expression when she finds out that there’s still another layer. His laugh disappears when she pushes off the wall and slowly, purposefully slips each button through its hole and walks them backward to the bed. As fantastic as the sex was with Meredith, Derek never saw such an intense look from Meredith. Meredith’s eyes never darkened right before a kiss, the passion didn’t run as deep.
But Addison. Standing in front of him, lightly brushing her fingers over his chest with each button, is the most sexual woman he has ever known. Fluid and intense, she’s always completely committed to the act and in the moment and sex with her can last incredible hours and leave him satisfyingly exhausted in every way imaginable.
As she slips his shirt off his shoulders onto the floor, he sees the woman he fell in love with and he sees her for the first time since she’s come to Seattle. He’s missed her, missed her soft skin and confident touch, her intoxicating taste and the sound of her low moans.
Addison feels the muscles of her stomach ripple as his fingertips tease the skin of her sides and slide up to trace the edge of her bra, following the line of the black lace around her back to unhook it and let it slip to the floor to join his shirt. She knows they’ve reached the moment, the moment when they can turn back and say they aren’t ready and they’ll wait another day. They’ve never been able to stop once they’ve passed this point.
Their eyes connect as the sounds of their breathing fill the air and there are no nods or looks or smiles, they just pull each other closer and tumble down onto the bed, kissing fiercely as Addison’s red hair falls down to curtain around them.
--
“You know,” she begins after they’ve rested in quiet, listening to the rain and the crickets, “there is one good thing to you living in the middle of nowhere.”
“You don’t bother anyone when you scream?” Derek smiles and pulls her closer, kissing her temple as he does so.
“Well, yes.” Addison blushes a little. She had always been a little self-conscious of how loud she is during sex and she’s pretty good at keeping quiet when it’s some place like the hospital or they’re at someone’s parents’ house. But Derek once asked her to let go because he wanted to hear the moans and whimpers he knew she was holding back. Sex became a lot more enjoyable after that.
Derek places another kiss on her forehead and gently rubs her back as she begins to fall asleep. He wonders what she didn’t give Mark. He’s certain that it wasn’t the first time when he walked in and he’s fairly certain it wasn’t the last and he wonders what she left out when she slept with Mark. Did she use her mouth and tongue in ways that would make him do anything she asked as long as she didn’t stop? Did she do that thing where she rolls her hips as she moves on top of him that drives him deeper into her? Did she scream his name?
No matter how angry he was with Addison, he never curled his fingers inside Meredith to hit the spot he knew would make her come in an instant, he never made love to Meredith with just his tongue, he never whispered Meredith’s name.
Some things, despite the hurt and betrayal, were just for Addison and he hopes that the same went for her.
--
It’s not even a month later when he tells her that he was in love with Meredith. And she doesn’t feel quite as bad for continuing her relationship with Mark once she knows that. She figures that they’re even now. He fell in love with Meredith; she continued sleeping with his best friend. Somehow it all works out.
They finish picking out Christmas gifts with a lack of their usual happiness that surrounds the activity and Derek hopes that Addison picked up on the past tense of the verb but Addison is too busy paying attention to the verb itself to notice tenses. They smile at friends and everyone who looks up from their drinks as they leave together, neither one surprised at how easily they slip into faking happy again.
“I’m going home for Christmas,” she says, breaking the silence as they lie in bed together. She cuddles into his arms for warmth more than comfort and companionship. If they were in a real house with central heating, there would be a foot of empty space between them. She’s lost track of how many times she’s questioned her sanity since she’s moved her shoes (all one hundred and six pairs of them) to the Pacific Northwest.
“And you decided this when?”
“Couple hours ago.”
Derek gently turns her over so he can see her face. “Is this because of what I said about Meredith? Because...”
“No, actually. It’s not. Not everything I do is a reaction to Meredith. It isn’t all about her.” Addison sits up and tugs a sweatshirt over her head and cuddles into its warmth. “Derek, I miss my family. We used to live an hour away from them. I had lunch with my mom every Tuesday.” She sniffles and wipes her eyes with the sleeve of the hooded NYU shirt. Derek does things daily to continue to hurt her but what she hates him for the most is pulling her away from her family and not giving her anything to fill the void. She’s close with her mother, closer than most people would think given her family’s social and financial positions and the corresponding stereotypes, and she misses the weekly moment of unconditional love. No matter what else had happened, no matter what Addison had said or done (or not said or not done), she was loved unconditionally for at least ninety minutes. And life is draining her energy reserves without that time to recharge.
He recognizes where she’s going with this and sits up too. “Not everyone out here hates you, Addie.”
She tucks her hair behind her ears, keeping her hands tucked inside the sleeves. “It feels that way sometimes. I’m going home for Christmas.” She says it with a sense of finality and a gentle hand that tells him that he isn’t invited. “Mom and Dad miss me.” They said so but it was always assumed that Addison would spend Christmas in Seattle with Derek. But she’s had it with fighting and kind of wants to lie - alone - in her childhood bedroom and not have to worry about what people think of her.
“Okay,” he says as he lies back down, too emotionally worn out to argue with her more. He knows that going home has nothing to do with her parents and everything to do with getting away from him and once that realization has settled in the relevant parts of his brain, he doesn’t feel so terribly guilty about not putting so much effort into keeping their marriage alive. Because if she doesn’t want to be with him during ‘their’ season, then it’s okay for him to proclaim that he fell in love with Meredith.
Addison looks over at her husband, annoyed that he doesn’t care enough to even ask if he’s invited (because she really wanted to tell him no just to see his reaction) or if she’s okay and even more annoyed that he can fall back asleep so damn quickly as if their conversation and her feelings don’t matter. She blinks out a few angry and lonely tears - it wasn’t just something people say when she told him that she’s lonely - and wipes her eyes again. Realizing that Derek has turned all the way over and is facing the wall and there’s no chance of her working her way into his arms for some more body heat, she blinks out a few frustrated and uncomfortable tears and gets out of bed.
She doesn’t bother to be soft or unobtrusive about it and doesn’t bother to be quiet on her way to finding a dresser to pull on another pair of sweatpants and a second layer of socks.